Oh no, here I go again thinking of a kid. Where are these goddamn urges coming from? Especially when I know damn good and well it’d be the worst thing for me. For several reasons. Oh well, all I can do is fight it and ignore it. A baby isn’t in my cards. Not even if I weren’t sterile.

I didn’t get up today till 11:15, so I’ll probably be up till 3:00 or 4:00 just vegging.

Later...

There was a catfight outside a little while ago, but in the meantime, Tom and I had the best talk ever about us getting married and having a kid. Now I feel like I can easily deal with daily thoughts to have one, even though they’re not daily. They’re about 5-10 days out of the month. We’re going to discuss a date tomorrow, but we’re both so sure. I never thought I could want it to be forever and have that person want that, too. I never think about or worry if it’ll end in a year, or 5 or 10. All I know is one day at a time and how I feel right now. We’re also both trying to keep an open mind to any possibilities such as having a kid or whatever. We won’t say I won’t and we won’t say I will have a kid, but 1996 is the year we’ll think about it seriously. We’re not against those who have kids before, during or after marriage, but whether I do or don’t, 1996 is a good year to decide, although I still have mixed emotions about it and probably always will. Plus, there’s still a 90-something percent chance that I may be sterile.

Well, it’s off to bed now.

Later...

Got up at 11:00 today, then Tom and I went to the library. We didn’t look for the article, cuz the more we thought about it, the more we figure they won’t have it. Greenfield’s not a huge enough paper.

We did get a DES book. I only scanned through it quickly, but it looks like DES-related cancers aren’t as bad as I thought. However, sterility is most certain. If not, a miscarriage is. In a way, even though I’m sure a kid’s not in my cards, this is a bummer, cuz it’s taking away my options and freedom of choice for 1996.

After the library, he got a haircut which looks very nice. I went into Ross’s clothing store while he was getting his hair cut. For a total of $23, I got a melon-colored denim vest and a short sleeve sundress. At the hair salon, I got a bottle of that detangler.

From there Tom and I went to a buffet. The food would’ve been good if it weren’t cold. After eating we came home.

Later...

Tom called the mortgage company and he set up an appointment for Tuesday.

Right now he’s watching a video of Wendy’s vacation back in New Jersey and New York.

I took Piggy out back for a while and we sat in the swing. Now I think I’ll go sit out back for a while.