Today was like it is 99% of the time around here - dead quiet. Just one little boom after I woke up, no music, and no Danantics.

I’m not looking forward to later on tonight. I almost dread it. Yes, it’s another round of fun in bed with my terrified and stubborn husband. I hate getting into bed with him knowing that only one of two things could possibly happen. Either we’ll have a cumless screw, or he won’t bother going in me at all.

Since we’re obviously not meant to have an exercise machine (and if we are, we’re talking way in the future) I started walking a half-hour a day on the walker. Like I said before - no, it doesn’t cause me to lose weight, it just makes me feel like I’m active. I’ve got to do something. Housecleaning isn’t enough, and the rest of the stuff I do isn’t even physical.

I finally heard from Paula. She called, and believe it or not, she just got the letter with our number. What took it so long to get to her? Anyway, there’s not much change on her end. Still dating married people regularly. This time, though, it’s a black cop, rather than some Puerto Rican. The cop’s been married for 17 years and has a few kids. I suggested that if she wants to play around, which is fine if she doesn’t want to commit, then why not try a single guy so she doesn’t have that third party to worry about? All she did was bitch about how the woman follows this guy left and right. Well, she certainly has a reason to be paranoid. While I was on the phone he called to tell her they had to lay low for a while. I swear, just like Andy, she’s not destined to have a loving relationship.

She was her usual selfish self, talking mainly about herself non-stop, but she did ask a few questions about me and I still did enjoy talking to her. She asked about the weather and if I’d been in contact with my sister or anyone on my side of the family. Oh, she asked about my weight too, after telling me she was up to 160 pounds. Getting heavy, I guess. She said it was cuz of a shot they gave her to keep her from getting pregnant. I asked her why she’d need that if she had her tubes tied, and all she said was that she had problems with that. Well, if she can get pregnant, she will. Not just because she’s a slut, but because God loves to sic kids on people like her. The trouble I predicted with Justin’s already starting. He’s beating up his classmates, thanks to the wonderful role model he’s got at home, and yes, she was threatening him as usual.

She said they cut off his SSI checks, saying he’s no longer handicapped. I guess he’s somewhat slow, but not so slow anymore. Anyway, she was bitching to me that all she’s going to get is $600 a month instead of $1,175, and was like - how am I gonna live! They have to give me welfare! So I suggested she get a job to supplement things since we know she can keep a schedule. She said I got her really thinking about it, but Paula can’t work. She really truly is disabled. Her temper will get her fired in no time if not her stupidity. She’s totally unreliable.

So, as you can probably gather, I have mixed emotions when Paula calls. I care about her and I do enjoy our chats, but she annoys me, too. She reminds me of how vengeful and unfair God is.

She says, for the hundredth time, she’s sending pictures of herself. Yeah, right! She’ll never send me a picture of her. Oh, she may be sending pictures, all right. Yeah, of her son and her car. Hell, she’d even send me a picture of her toilet before she ever sent me a picture of herself.

Later...

What is this? Is this guy on his way to becoming impotent, as well as cumless? He just cannot stay hard! I don’t know if he’s playing games, or what? He said he’s sorry he’s doing badly in bed. I asked him why, expecting him to say it was cuz of me, but he said that if he had to take his best guess, it was because we were financially strapped. But our bills are current, which is what’s most important, so who cares if we can’t get extra stuff right now? As long as the necessities are paid for, who cares? So we wait six months to a year for extras. Then he tells me he feels like a failure when he hears me mention things I want (like ink cartridges) that we can’t get for a while, although he understands I never intentionally set out to make him feel that way. Yes, we screwed up, and yes, others screwed us over, too. But we can’t live in the past and blame ourselves for the things we should’ve done differently or else we’ll all be miserable and have a hard time moving on. He shouldn’t feel like a failure and neither should I. We didn’t deliberately fuck ourselves up here, and like I said, as long as the necessities are paid for. That’s what counts. I understand his feelings, though. There are a lot of things I wish I’d said or not said to certain people in past experiences, and things I wish I’d done or not done. I’d take back not kicking the crap out of Barbara at the NHA any day. I’d take back my talking to Larry in the 90s any day, too.

The thing about it is that he may be having a hard time in bed cuz of money stress, but once we do have extra money, it’ll be something else. He’ll have some whole new problem in bed.