It’s looking less and less likely, at least to me, that I’ll be getting any kind of a home job. Thanks to the freeloaders, there’s only so much I can do anyway, as a convicted felon. Tom still thinks I ought to try to write for profit, and that we could still do farming, but I don’t see it. Besides, I’m afraid to set goals for myself and to set out to do any particular thing because that’s never worked for me in the past. Besides, I’ve been a homemaker for so long that it’s obviously what I’m meant to be. I wouldn’t have been this way this long if it weren’t for a reason, and because I’ve been this way as long as I have, it seems unlikely that it’d change.

Anyway, I’ll be the bored homemaker that I was before the freeloaders took over my life, but at least I’ll be a free one. Not totally free, though. Not for a couple of years yet. I still gotta do this for them and do that for them. What I’m saying is I’d rather be bored in the comfort of my own big, beautiful home, than cramped in a jail cell with cellies that are loud, rude and obnoxious, waking me up all the time, along with the nurse screaming, “Are you OK?” And the clothes exchanges. And the 8:00 hour outs for scalding hot or ice-cold showers. And the cold, starchy food.

I think another thing that’s got me hesitant to get into things like writing, besides the fact that I don’t think I’m good enough, know that publishing’s a bitch, and don’t feel it’s meant to be, is because if I did succeed, I know it’d just be a matter of time before somebody came and tore down whatever success I built up for myself. It’s like – why work out faithfully when the freeloaders may come and tear down all the muscles I built up by having me thrown in jail for half a year? Why get a farm going when the freeloaders could come and kill all the animals?

I know it’s a shitty attitude to have and that’s letting them win and stop me from living life (whenever I get the opportunity to do so), but I can’t help but feel the way I do.

The queen of appointments here has two appointments tomorrow, and amazingly enough, none are for the freeloaders. I’m getting blood drawn, then I’m going to the dentist. After that, we’re going to go swimming at Mary’s.