I miss my Teddy Bear sooooo much! How I wish I could know what the future really holds for us and I just wish she wasn’t so far into the future still! So many things could happen. She could find a girl she falls madly in love with and be living with her come next May. She could decide I’m too far away to bother with. Maybe I’ll see her occasionally. Or maybe we’ll get together every week or so and make wild, passionate love like I’ve never experienced before. Nah, there’d be some kind of problem with the sex. There always is. The only difference would be that I’d be attracted to this one like no others in the past. It’s not that Tom, Brenda, Kacey, or Ann Marie were ugly. There was just no sexual spark in the way that there is with Teddy Bear. You know when you’re attracted to someone just like you know when you’re in love with someone. Although Palma diverted my attention away from Teddy Bear for a while during the first couple of months I was in jail, I was always turned on by her and I knew it right away. I wonder if I’d be so self-conscious in bed with her, due to my lust for her, that I felt like a fumbling fool, not knowing what to do, unsure of myself, etc.

The only thing I’m sure of is that I’ll no doubt be more into her than she’ll be into me and that she won’t be urging me to leave Tom to go live with her. Again, I have no desire to leave Tom, but it’s really quite frustrating to have finally met a woman I’m attracted to that I really like and that likes me back, after getting married. Why couldn’t we have met before I got married? On the other hand, as easy as it is for me to say I’d be happy with her, would I really be? Would she accept me the way Tom has? Or would she push me to work and keep a schedule? I don’t know. I just can’t see her going for that breadwinner/homemaker thing.

I asked myself a question, just to be honest with myself, pertaining to whether or not I’d leave Tom for her, and this time I got a different answer than “no way.” This time the answer was “I don’t know” when I asked myself if I’d leave him for her if I could have everything I’ve got with Tom with her, who I’m more attracted to, plus a decent sex life, plus the ability to sleep together.

Hmm…

Well, I certainly can’t see it, but I know I have to keep in mind that anything’s possible in this world. Anything. I have to remember all the things that I thought were 100% impossible that were possible and remember that nothing’s guaranteed in life. I just hope and pray that given that one in a million chance I did leave Tom for her or for any other woman that it’d work out forever. I’d be really fucked with nothing and nobody if I were to leave Tom for someone that ended up leaving me. Then what would I do? Where would I go? We’d have to be even more compatible than Tom and I are overall, and that’s real damn compatible, and she’d have to be real damn convincing in order to get me to give up Tom and the security I’ve got now.

I don’t know. I just don’t know. Even though there is a sexual attraction beyond anyone I’ve ever been intimate with before, and even if we could hit it off even better than Tom and I ever did, could I do that to Tom? Could I just throw him away? That’d be awfully hard to imagine. I’d always be wondering whatever became of him and his life. I’d miss the guy something terrible, too! I don’t know if I’d feel all that guilty, though, simply because we can’t help what we feel. In other words, it’d be silly for me to waste my time feeling guilty over my attraction to her when I just can’t help it any more than I can help liking the color pink, chocolate, music, etc.

A part of me wishes she was just another celebrity that I had a crush on. That way I could get all kinds of pictures of her off the net, and I’d never have to be torn between her and Tom in any way because a relationship would be out of the question in the first place.

Later…

Apple Cheeks stopped by about 15 minutes ago. This was his quickest visit. He stood in the dining area the whole time too, while I was filling out the form. He said he got the form from Gina saying that I’d completed my community service and asked if Helen was the last of the “special conditions.”

He didn’t leave right away, either. He sat in his car for a few minutes after he left the house. I assume he was doing paperwork cuz from my viewpoint out the windows, he wasn’t lurking around the property.