Aly thanked me a million times for telling her about emotional tapping, saying that it helped her a lot when she felt like she was going to panic. The poor thing sleeps shitty and has to take a medication that makes her nauseous even with another medication to help combat that. Next week she’ll return to the lab to see if it helped. I hope so. I know she doesn’t want to have to have a transplant.

I also hope that the dream I had last night doesn’t mean anything. It really sucked! Tom and I lived in a two-bedroom, one-bathroom apartment that was in the middle of a strip of apartments all on one floor. The place was smallish and I could see it in vivid detail. There was only one entry door. You walked into the kitchen and then you stepped through a doorway to the right and into the living room. Then down the hallway at the opposite end of the living room was a bathroom to the left, then a bedroom, and then a larger bedroom straight ahead at the end of the hall.

There was a storm going on or something because all of a sudden I was standing in the living room and it was dark like the lights had gone out or something. There may have been a small dog in the room as I made my way to the door to look for Tom, whose voice I thought I just heard. When I opened the door and glanced outside, the wind was gushing unlike anything I’d ever felt before and I was now worried about him. It was very dark out and I couldn’t see anything or anyone anywhere. I was tempted to step out and look for him but I knew that our door would lock behind me if I did, plus I was barefoot. I woke up as I went to get my shoes on.

And then I also had snippets of dreams that only lasted a second or two. Something about Linda Ronstadt having medication on her bed for a yeast infection when we were in her house.

Next, I was hanging out with a few black people and one of them wanted me to call someone on a young black girl’s behalf. I was afraid to make the call in front of others, though, who were coming and going because I didn’t want them to think I was trying to get her in any kind of trouble.

Then I was watching a group of adults remove seatbelts from some kids that had arrived nearby in a small bus, suggesting they may have been disabled or something.

I loved having Tom working at home on the conference call last night. Sometimes I wonder if I would feel better if he worked at home during the night, slept during the morning, and maybe went in in the afternoon for a few hours like he did today. But then anxiety is anxiety and I can have flareups anytime, anywhere, with anyone around… or not. Felt great yesterday and so far today but I’m having my precautionary Sleepytime tea to see if that helps keep the anxiety from setting in in the first place.

I’m trying a new cleaning schedule to see if that helps me be more thorough. I hate dusting so much that I tend to cut corners, go too fast, and blow off dusting certain sections. This way, instead of going through the whole house in four days every other week, I clean something every day but just a small section at a time, ending up with the same sections every other week.

Andy has always been into multiple accounts much like Kim and Aly, so if he really wanted to see what he could see of my Facebook account, all he has to do is look in from another account… and find my link to Curious Cat. Well, someone anonymously slipped me a video of a black man giving another black man a verbal beating. Instinctively, I thought of Andy right away. It came at a time when I knew he would be up, too. When I jumped on the main feed, though, I could see that someone else got the same video, which bumped my doubt up a notch. Still might’ve been him, but if it was, why now? Plus, he’d probably be more likely to choose a video of whites defending blacks or blacks picking on whites to make a point. Oh, I remember those little “statement” pics. He was such a black lover and defender.

It’s raining today so I’m hoping that that will keep things quiet until I go to bed which should be around noon. It got up to 72 degrees again yesterday but I still slept well. In fact, I slept better than I did on Sunday because I didn’t wake up as much. I just had that shitty dream.

I feel totally ghosted by Tammy and the girls and I feel like they don’t really want me in their lives. I don’t know what the hell’s going through their minds for sure or what’s going on in their daily lives. I only know how I feel. I know Tammy’s got to be getting my messages. The question is… if she can take the time to check in, why not the time to make a quick reply more often? It’s almost like she gets off on having me wait on her like Maliheh did more and more before she ghosted me altogether. Not saying that they’re going to do that to me, but it’s like they’re trying to keep me at arm’s length. I know I should be okay with that and see the good in it because that way there’s less risk for potential conflict as opposed to if we were always around each other and in touch more often, but I feel like something’s going on that they’re not telling me. Sometimes I wonder if Tammy’s health is a lot worse than she wants to admit but I don’t think so. She loves to whine to others about her health. She’s also quick to let someone know when she has a problem with them, so that’s why neither theory makes sense. She’s playing with me or there’s something else up that I don’t know about.

I think I’m going to stay off Facebook altogether (I’m not into it anyway) and see how she reacts. Hello if someone messages me because I get notifications by phone. Like I would try to get myself to do with Nane and Maliheh, it’s time to make her wait on me.