Sometimes I feel just as pissed or at least irritated with myself as I do with those that have given me a hard time in one way or another throughout my life. I just feel like I could have done more to prevent it, like I should have seen the warning signs, not been so nice… That sort of thing. So it’s like I blame them for screwing me and then I blame myself for how I handled them. But what’s done is done and oh how I have learned from it!

Once again Aly is saying that I, perhaps unknowingly or unintentionally, make her feel put in the middle when I bring up Kim or Molly and that’s why she’s been holding back on things she could tell me about them. Expressing my opinion doesn’t mean I’m trying to put anyone in the middle or persuade someone to go in a particular direction, but fine. She never has to discuss anything she doesn’t want to.

But how does she think I feel over the fact that she won’t give me her address, I’ve never seen a picture of her with Cam, and I don’t even know the guy’s last name? It’s hard for me to believe this is simply about her having doubts as to whether or not the relationship will last. She’s hiding something. She’s either afraid I’ll use the info against her somehow should I get pissed at her or Cam doesn’t exist.

I’m starting to feel like she’s complaining about me a little more lately and like I’m just not good enough in some ways even though she recently told me she always values our friendship. But first it was what I said in regard to Cam losing his cat, then she tweeted on her other account that I butt in unnecessarily, and a few other little things that are starting to add up and get to me. Is she trying to pick a fight with me or something? Well, I don’t “fight” anymore. I either get along with people or I don’t have anything to do with them. The only ones that will eventually hear from me one last time are the termites. I mean, of course I would contact more than just them if Tom died suddenly and unexpectedly and I was about to kill myself but I don’t bother to troll or fight with people like I used to.

Anyway, I told her she never has to bring up anything she doesn’t want to even though I would never insist she hold back on anything and I won’t bring up as much either. The less open someone is with me, the less I’m open with them. Not by design but I naturally can’t help but be more open if someone’s open with me and less open if someone’s not so open with me. It’s just how I am and a natural instinct of mine. In the end, Kim and Molly (I know she’s not done with Molly forever) are her friends so it’s not like I’m dying to hear about them.

I discovered something by accident as is how I usually find things be it objects or information. While I still think the smaller spot on my leg is the actinic keratosis (AK) I had on my arm and back, the big red patch may very well be Bowen’s disease. The good news is that even though it’s considered pre-invasive it seems just as treatable as AK and just as unlikely to invade deeper tissues of the skin and spread to other parts of the body. Doesn’t seem like anything that can’t wait until my April appointment. I just hope she can spray it with liquid nitrogen as she did with the AKs. Sometimes they have to scrape the skin.

I missed my wine after taking a break from it and just wanted to get out and also get a sweet treat, so we masked up and headed to Rite Aid yesterday morning. Armed with Moscato and a Milky Way bar, Tom suggested checking out the Christmas aisle before we left where everything was on clearance, and we found a couple of cute things for just $2.50 each. A color-changing glitter lamp that sort of reminds one of a lava lamp. The glitter is in a watery gel so that it stays afloat longer when you shake it.

Also got a cute doll called Emily with auburn braids and brown eyes. She wears pink and purple, my favorite colors.

The Mac was sluggish and I was having trouble clicking and dragging puzzle pieces during my puzzle walks, as I call them, so he upgraded it to Big Sur.

As we agree, zone minutes are more important than step counts and active minutes so I’m making sure to get those. That’s usually simple enough as long as I’m not tired. In fact, I usually get more than the daily recommendation.

As funny as this may sound, the quantity of my food intake seems to matter more than calories or what I eat. I rarely bother to count calories but I definitely pay attention to what I eat now that I’m getting older and make sure that 5-6 days a week I eat healthily. But it’s true that quantity really does seem to matter most for me. I think I would be more likely to gain weight on larger servings of fish and veggies than I would on just a few bites of high-calorie crap.

As 2021 approaches, we chatted excitedly about the possibilities that await us next year like how we’re going to go out of here and a big part of it is going to depend on who the house goes to. If we knew in advance exactly when we had to be out of here, it would be easier to get plane tickets and also control where we sit on the plane. But if we have to go about things the traditional way and deal with the escrow and not know exactly what’s closing when and what we need to sign when until the last minute, then it might be too expensive to fly since we couldn’t get the tickets in advance.

Time will tell if my vibes and dreams mean anything but despite having a pretty good accuracy rate, I have to assume they’re just dreams and guesses until and if I see otherwise.

I doubt the dream I had last night meant anything since I would never want to live on a beach. Close to a body of water, yes, but not on the beach. Yet in the dream, we had a circular bedroom that was mostly surrounded by a popular beach and I wondered how I would sleep during the winter when all the snowbirds crowded the beach right outside the wall of the bedroom. I then remembered our soundproofing plans and hoped they would work out!

The only other dream I remember was going to a male doctor that turned out to be a joke for some reason. So I went back to a doctor I was familiar with who told me my OH was causing my eyes to bulge at the sides and a little in front too. I asked her if my eyes could possibly pop out of my head and she had this dubious expression as if to say that yeah, they could. LOL