Ugh, 8 billion people in the world now. I suppose it will be 10 billion or higher by the time I die. They talk about it declining after a while, but that just doesn’t seem possible. Even if the fertility rates keep dropping, we’re living longer and longer.

I thought I would do some writing and enjoy the break from the planes until they start up again shortly after 5. I got up at 10 and heard five or six just in the 45 minutes I waited till I had my coffee. Totally annoying, and I just can’t get used to it.

I got a lovely perfume sample and the cactus seeds have been planted! I was curious to see how easily (or not) I could pull the dead plants up. The fern slipped right out and the base of the dirt was shaped like the pot it came in. So I filled in the rest with regular soil and scattered cactus seeds at different levels. The thing said to “scatter to the surface” and I wasn’t sure if that meant literally on the surface or just beneath so I did both. If all goes well, it will germinate in 7 to 12 days. It said to keep it lightly misted and after that, it can survive with little to no water. I love these self-watering pots because then they can help themselves to what they want, instead of me and my shitty guesswork.

At first I thought it was paint scrapes but then I realized there were spots of mildew on the shower trim, so I hit it with that horrible, stinky bleach I hate with a passion that blueberry incense doesn’t even seem to cover. It faded but the surface was wet after I hit it with a Clorox wipe, so I may have to spray it again when it’s dry. I noticed that bleach penetrates better on a dry surface. Meanwhile, I was surprised by how well it killed that orange shit. Would be great if it worked on the human type of orange shit that may very well end up prez again.

Bad/good TSH results. I’m up to 6.93, which explains why I’ve been feeling calmer yet have more fatigue. But the good is that this is the lowest I’ve gone without feeling anxious. We’re a bit surprised. He thought I would be a 4 and I thought I would be a 5.

My only concern right now, besides not being able to figure out what’s causing my GI issues, is the anxiety returning as it ramps back up fully in my system. It was on the 21st of last month that I scaled back my dose. I know I cut the waiting time to under 30 minutes a handful of times to speed up the process of draining it from my system so I could feel better faster. Well, again it’s going to build back up in my system. So how am I going to feel between 6 to 8 weeks of waiting 30 or more minutes consistently? Hopefully only less tired, but it seems my only choices are fatigue or anxiety. I would definitely take the fatigue, but I don’t know anymore if my fatigue is connected to my thyroid for a couple of reasons. I had fatigue when my TSH was a 2. Also, when I was first diagnosed at 32, I didn’t have any fatigue at all. Now I’m thinking that may be more age-related, if not something else. Even my type of sleep disorder can cause that and just things like waking up to pee.

If I’m going to have problems again, it could start around the 23rd. But if I can make it to December 7th without any anxiety, I’m golden. Seems too good to be true for one who doesn’t get off very easily or get many breaks in life. The question is if the anxiety does come back, will it go away if I can get myself to tough it out? I don’t know if I could stand it long enough, especially without knowing for sure when and if it would back off.

It seems I’m just not meant to be normal without being anxious and I choose fatigue over anxiety, as I said. My TSH is low enough that I’m not struggling to keep from gaining weight. I just couldn’t lose, but truthfully, I wouldn’t have the guts to even if it was easy because I’m afraid of any significant changes that could give this finicky drug a reason to beat up on me again. Unlike most people, I’m just very sensitive to levothyroxine. For me, it has a very fine line between helpful and hurtful. But 6 is better than the 14 I was earlier in the year and this way I’m not dealing with a racy heart, anxiety, feeling like I’m on fire, and those dark thoughts I hate with a passion. The doctor is okay with me sticking to this dose but wants me to go to the lab in three to six months, which is fine.

Just when I thought I was finally better, I had horrible cramps and the runs yesterday at the end of my day. Why does this have to happen at the end of my day so often?! I’m wondering if the anti-diarrhea pills delayed it and that’s why I thought I was getting better.

I dropped the stool sample off at the lab yesterday morning and they must be usable because it says my results are pending. I would think they would have notified me by now if the sample was no good. I’m guessing they’ll come in at about 9:30. That seems to be when my last two thyroid results were posted. I’m going to be frustrated if they don’t find anything and give me treatment for it. If it isn’t an infection or parasite, then what the hell could it be? Pretty sure it can’t be cancer or anything dangerous but I would really like to know what it is and how to deal with it. This is ridiculous. I’ve never had this problem before. I had to take ibuprofen for the upper right stomach cramp-like pain as well so I wonder if there’s a connection. Like maybe gallbladder issues. What sucks is that if they don’t find anything that means more testing for me that could be a lot more unpleasant than having to gather shit to throw into containers.

Kim apologized for being so repetitious but I expected little change. And there hasn’t been since she asked me again for my address, so she could send me a birthday card. I think she misses swapping care packages, cards and letters with Aly and wants to take that up with me. Not going to happen. I realize Aly had no problem with giving her address out, but I would prefer to keep my address out of the hands of Crazy. While it’s sweet of her to offer to send me a birthday card, I simply have no desire for postal mail in a digital age. It’s so much easier to keep in touch online. Like I tried to tell the termite, it was totally unnecessary to call each other. If you didn’t want to write or use speech-to-text, she could have done audios on Facebook.

I’m so, so glad to have her and her crazy brood out of my life! I have been so much happier without them and their toxic anger and constant drama in my life. The lies, the exaggerations, the whole damn thing was just pure and utter bullshit.