I mentioned how I met Tanya through the personals, then met her at Pearl St. As nice as she was, I wasn’t turned on.

After speaking to the woman with the nice long hair, I went back over to where Kim and Tanya were sitting and there she was. I usually like them to be taller than me but she was my height. At the time, it didn’t matter as I was so attracted to her. She was the perfect example of the masculine yet quite feminine type I go for. She was shaped like Brenda, less curvy than me. She no doubt weighs less than me but doesn’t look like a toothpick. She wore jeans and a simple gray T-shirt, appearing very casual, yet so pretty. She had long straight brown hair that fell to the middle of her back. Brown eyes, tanned skin, and a beautiful smile with teeth that made mine look sick.

It turned out that she and Kim were in sign language classes together at U-Mass. She lives in Amherst and it’s a local call from here in S. Dfld. Kim said she was honest, outspoken and friendly and we exchanged phone numbers. I was, like I said, instantly curious, excited and tempted, but wary.

This was last Wed. night and she told me she’d get together with me the following Mon. or Tues. as she was to be very busy. She plays the guitar and has a 4-track and said she’d bring it over. Meanwhile, we both agreed on calling each other before we got together.

But now that’s all done and over with. Yes, I threw it all away and Kim said, “Are you going to do this every time you meet someone?” That feeling of, “Oh my God, is this really happening to me for the first time after 25 years? Someone I’m attracted to and possibly interested in?” Kim told me that there’s a first time for everything and I wasn’t looking 25 years ago. She’s right but what I’m about to say is, in my opinion, is more important than considering that. First of all, I’m not even sure that anything ever would’ve happened between Maliheh and I. Also, true that she could’ve been very busy, but I feel if she was that interested in me, she would’ve met me by now. I did call her and she did call me, but tonight I felt it was time to be honest.

I called and told her on her answering machine that I’ve done some thinking and that sometimes one must do not what’s easiest and what they want, but what is best. I told her I didn’t feel we should see each other and that I was considering her as well as myself. I told her it may sound cruel and as if I was judging her by experiences I’ve had with other people, but that I didn’t want to be hurt. I don’t want to get into anything I may regret. I said that I was not implying she was out to harm me as I don’t even know her. Lastly, I told her how I’ve been alone 99% of my life and it would no doubt be less awkward for her. It’d be too awkward for me, not that I don’t like someone who’s older and more experienced. I do, but how many people are going to be patient enough with me and willing to understand me? I don’t want to be worrying about what someone else is thinking or wondering if they understand me. I don’t want to go through the hassles of them getting to know me or of me getting to know them. I’m not motivated to put the effort into it anymore. Especially when sooner or later, one of us is going to dump the other. Like I always said, all I need is me, myself and I. Only I can know and understand myself and I do. I don’t want to have to communicate with anyone other than friends. What others don’t know or understand won’t hurt them. The only way for me to be happy, carefree and independent is to remain alone. That way there’s no fear, anxiety or guilt. I realized also, that even though other people did shit to me that I didn’t ask for, in a sense I did ask for it. I did bring it on myself and deserve it cuz I was stupid enough to get involved. Never again will someone get the chance to hurt me and I will never be a sucker for it either.

So, when I hung up I cried and was hurt and pissed off at myself. I said, “Oh no. Now, why did I do that? That was mean, cruel and unfair. You pushed her away and never gave her a chance and you’ve blown it for sure now that she knows you’re scared and not confident.” But then I kicked myself in the ass and told myself I did the right thing and I’d wished I’d done it when I did if I had gotten involved. How can you cry over someone you only met once and only spoke to for an hour? This is the only way I can protect myself and at least I can be honest about it. I’m good enough for myself. I’m good enough as someone’s friend, but not good enough as someone’s lover.

Later...

I hate her! I hate her! I hate her! I hate her and the rest of this whole stuck-up world! It’s amazing how much nerve and lack of respect people have. How harshly one can judge another and condemn them. How one can make you feel so ashamed and blow so much out of proportion? How one can exaggerate and make you feel like some crazed mass murderer? Slap you in the face for your good intentions. Condemn you for asking a few basic questions when you meet them and make it sound like you asked for their whole life story. Make a cruel, harsh and wrong assumption about you after you’ve only spoken to them a few short times and you know you carried yourself well. Tell you you’re persistent after only speaking with them 3 times for 5 minutes in one week. Tell you they may consider a relationship and drop other hints suggesting that, then totally contradicting that, while lashing out at you. It’s like grabbing someone and hugging and kissing them, then two seconds later they pummel 20 bullets into you from a gun.

Maliheh calls up saying she didn’t appreciate the Dear John message when there never was a relationship and never would’ve been. I tried to explain that was to prevent one and she did seem interested and even Kim thought so, too. She said I was the one with the 20 questions, and I tried to tell her that I was only curious to get to know her. They were basic simple questions that weren’t overly personal. She said I wouldn’t listen to her and that I’m alone for a reason and that’s because of me. She wouldn’t even listen to me. And I’m alone cuz of people like HER. How dare she say that shit to me, and why is she alone? She told me she got her aids test and it’s negative and reminded me her next partner was going to do the same, not that I’m sure what this has to do with anything, especially if she were never interested in me.

This is how I know God is punishing me, and it’s too late at this point as someone gorgeous and right for me could beg down on their knees. No one will ever have me! No one! From now on I’m going to condemn people for their feelings or for asking me any questions. I’m going to make them feel ashamed and foolish. I could never ever be in a normal relationship with anyone, no matter how right and attractive they were. This was the final straw and my mind’s been played with enough. If God’s goal was to keep me alone by not only sending me the wrong ones but also by driving so much fear and paranoia of people into me, he did it. See, it is the same pattern and now, not even Kim can say I’m wrong about what’s meant to be and what’s not. Congratulations God, or whatever the hell’s out there. You’ve finally been 100% successful. Of course, I’d never have to beg for you to never allow me a singing career. I’ve only come to know the plan all too well.