Now to tell the story about the band which is why Mark gave me The Advocate in the first place. Mark had said how he likes to read the personals just for kicks, so as I mentioned before, that’s how I met Tanya. I tried calling at a decent hour for 3 days, so when that failed, I called at 2 AM. I was goofing off totally figuring things probably wouldn’t work out anyway, but of course, nothing too scary or raunchy. I played the guy some edits and gave him a few crosses. I guess there are 3 roommates. A girl and two guys by the name of John. The John that was forming an alternative band was on the line the bulk of the time.

So finally, I came to realize how nice he was and how well he handled me so I got serious. I sang a bit over the phone, then he took my number telling me I sounded quite good, but may not be what he’s looking for.

Last Friday he came over and he really is a nice guy and we share a lot of the same philosophies and beliefs. He’s not gay, but he has gay friends.

I liked his lyrics. They were very free and open. He writes a lot like Stevie Nicks and Andy would and he played me a demo of his last band which was in New York City. He just moved here, but I noticed right away, that his last singer sounded a lot like Stevie Nicks. He told me that he felt I was a really good singer and had great pitch and picked up quickly, but will continue the ad for a month. I guess he originally planned to do this beforehand no matter what. Comparing what people say now about my singing to a few years ago, there’s a major difference. Years ago it wasn’t good enough or developed enough. Now, some people say it’s too dynamic and too vibrant. John is really looking for someone with more of a voice like Stevie Nicks. Stevie has had no real training and never really fully developed her voice. Gloria would be hired for this right on the spot. So many people prefer so many different styles that it can be hard to be one extreme or another. It’s sort of like being too good for certain bands such as in this case, so it’s both a compliment and a bummer. Maybe he won’t call, maybe he will. Who knows? It’s cruel to say this, but I hope whoever else calls for an audition sucks. That way, hopefully, I’d be hired.

I’ve been doing journals now since Oct. 27, 1987. I know this is something I’ll always do and want to do. Even though not quite each and every page of these journals have been filled, 98% of them have short little love stories that I never had the patience to finish, but that’s ok. It keeps my mind and attention focused on things I really want to write about. However, I’ll always continue to combine certain things with real and important issues. Issues that in my mind, mean a lot. The other pages were used for drawings or lyrics or names of people or charts of some personal or fun kind. Drawings from now on will go on a sketchpad where they belong. Ending this journal, I’ll say that since I’ve slacked off on writing about my past in more detail, it’ll surely be done in the next one.

Also, I will write about Maliheh, the gorgeous girl I met the night I met Tanya in person at Pearl St.

Later...

Before I write all about Maliheh, the next thing about my past I’ll write about will be Andy, Jessie and Tammy W. Now, believe me when I say there’s not too much to write about Tammy W. I know I was reunited with Andy and Jessie before I met Tammy over the phone as well as Linda J. I miss Linda a lot and I’m sorry she had to just toss our friendship out the door. I know why she chose to throw it away of course. Cuz she wanted me as a lover. I miss her, though. Even though she was quite mysterious, I miss our talks and the laughs we shared.

Tammy W was a 19-year-old girl I called one night who told me she had a little girl whose father left her. I told her she ought to find a woman. I also thought she’d hang up on me, but instead, she told me she thinks about that. She was too messed up to even think of getting involved. Getting involved seriously. I was too naïve still at the time to know that you can’t get involved seriously and you’re lucky if you can a few weeks or a few months with someone. Breaking up was just as common as meeting someone. No doubt more common. By now, she probably has been with a woman. As well as more men. Again, you know philosophy and that is, if you can fantasize, you can do. Except for the times I fantasize about strangling my mother when she gets on my nerves, but that’s just me, of course. That’s how I operate. It’s probably like being gay. You have a choice whether or not to act on it. Tammy was young, confused, abused and so viciously controlled by her mother. Also, she had so much legal shit going on with the father of her daughter. She was pretty, though, and looked an awful lot like Tiffany. I haven’t seen her for almost 3 years now. She was wild, though, and hung out with such creeps.

I miss Linda and Tracy more and you know how pitifully ugly they were. Now that I covered Linda and Tammy, I’m too tired to go on. I’ve done quite a bit of writing tonight but next time around, I’ll discuss Andy and Jessie and Maliheh, too. Don’t get me wrong, as I do not feel Maliheh will be any big deal, but the moment was fun. Maybe I am wrong for once but why and how can I be? I’m 25 years old, not 18. You know how I feel on that matter. The chase is much more fun than the capture. It’s really weird but with me, it’s one way or another. Either I’m bummed out cuz I’m not attracted to someone, or I’m scared when I am. Yes, it is exciting to finally have it be mutual. But can this actually be happening to me once and for all? It’s too good to be true and I’m tempted and curious but scared at the same time.