Last night I spoke with Tammy about the feelings I’m having about Andy, Phoenix, music and how much I love the apartment, but am so bored and feel so cut off. She was very understanding and encouraged me to keep my chin up, saying it’d work out. Well, who knows, but she asked me about state training and asked about teaching music till I could move. I told her it wasn’t that easy and how there’s literally no transportation unless you have a car.

I did decide, however, to place an ad in the Northampton Gazette to teach music or sign language here at home.

Perhaps, and I mean just perhaps, as I’ll probably chicken out, and also cuz whether I do or do not fear or doubt people as it’s pointless to meet people, I’ll call Every Woman’s Center in Northampton. Or maybe it’s at U-Mass in Amherst. I hear they have all sorts of groups for women. Gay groups and groups for single moms, teenage moms, abused and battered women and whatever else.

Aside from my fears of people, there are two things. One is, having no car and the other’s how much I still feel gay women are none other than a major turn-off for me. Again, why go to a group to discuss my feelings when I already know how I feel? I don’t want a part-time or full-time relationship with a butch or a so-so. I want a one-nighter every few months with a feminine gay woman. They’ll laugh at me and say, “Good luck!” Why do I always want the impossible? Of course, keep in mind as I do, of a thing called meant to be and not meant to be. I know there could be thousands of pretty feminine gay women and God will never let me have one for one night. Then, he’ll send me one who’s ugly or just another spot on the wall and laugh. Andy did say, though, how he met this feminine and attractive girl who goes to Denny’s named Saundra that speaks Spanish, Japanese and French.