Well, not too much has happened since I last wrote. The family next door continues to wake me up every fucking morning. So far, in a way, they’ve been doing me a favor by keeping me on schedule. However, if there was a night that I was up very late and wanted to sleep late - forget it. School or not, it’s a zoo over there as early as 7 AM.

Like I said, the place is fully decorated now but it’s such a dump. I’m just going to pretend I love it here as much as I can. For a girl who’s so open, honest and blunt, I’ve decided to not kiss ass and lie, but pretty much keep my mouth shut. With personal issues. Not all of them but mostly depending on what I feel my mother and sister could handle. Mom could care less, and Tammy - well - she’s partially a different story. It’s like she can and cannot handle shit. I mean heavy-duty shit or stuff she’s not into or knows so little about. She’s not stupid and she does care and understand somewhat, but she’s always been a billion times moodier and hysterical than me. And I can get quite bad at times. We both learn to deal with shit better as we grow older. Everyone does. But my moods are blown over and done with quickly. I’m able to somehow, as hard as it can be, find a way to laugh and cheer myself up. Tammy’s moods drag on and on forever and it’s always something new. The issues that have frustrated me in the past, and partially now, are only 3 or 4 issues. With her, it’s both old news and a new problem each time I see her. Although Tammy’s taken after Mom in several ways and she and I are complete opposites, there’s not a thing in the world I wouldn’t do for her if I could compared to that fucking control freak mother of ours. That little fucking bitch had the nerve to both tell me how I should and I do and I will feel about living here. How she should’ve put her foot down 3 years ago about me living here. I tell her how the timing was off, I needed to sit on it for a while for many other reasons other than Andy, I’m an adult who’ll make up her own fucking mind. When and if I’m ready to. Then, she tells me that’s what parents are for.

I asked, “To control me?”

She says, “Yes.”

I answered, “When someone’s under 18, that’s the time to do what you want them to do and not be supportive of their decisions.” Of course, I wasn’t in the mood to get into the Brattleboro Retreat and bring up other stuff.

When are these people gonna live their lives only? Stop telling people how to live, what to do, say, wear? Offering totally false, stupid, immature, ignorant, crude, unnecessary opinions? When are people gonna stop playing with my head? Stop contradicting me? Stop leading me on? Stop lying to me and misjudging me and calling me a liar? Let me be myself? LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE?!?!?!?!?

It gets easier and easier to see myself dumping them one of these days. Soon, they’re gonna lose kid number two. And as we all know, I’m half on Larry’s side and the other half resents him, but it’s gonna be two gone, one more to go. They’re not worth it. They’re not my type and I can’t deal with people like that in my life anymore.

Well, enough of that shit and all that bitching. However, as I said before, here’s where I’ll do my bitching as well as the happy or so-so stuff. For Tammy, I’ll put on a happy face within reason as much as I can. The few issues I’ve been dealing with, she knows about. Like music and wanting more one-nighters with “real” women. Other than that, my asthma and the dive, all is usually well.

Earlier we all went to Friendly’s for ice cream. Tammy, Bill and the 3 girls, plus a friend of Lisa’s. Tammy was in a tense pissed-off mood. What it was all about, who knows? I couldn’t hear all that well over the girls and the crowd in the place.

Our waiter was a definite fem who reminded me of Andy. Andy, Tammy and I ate lunch in there a long time ago. In the “No Fags Allowed” section of Norwich (NFA). Bill said it stands for Norwich Free Academy. I knew that, but once I swore to Andy it was National Football Association. Andy insisted it was a police academy. So, in the end, we agreed to keep it as No Fags Allowed till we found out for sure.

I met Mary Jane when I walked into the office to sign the lease which is month to month and give her a check. The rent’s $139, not $138. Oh well. She’s pitifully ugly yet very nice. When she was going through stuff like the rent, power and dumpster, she pulls out the eviction policy and says, “We don’t have to worry about this.” I thought, gee thanks. How kind of you.

The shirt I wore to Friendly’s has long sleeves but doesn’t cover my whole forearm when I reach out. First I was hit with Bill asking what happened and I said, “You know what happened.”

He said, “No, I don’t know. How could I know?”

I said softly, “A few months ago. You know, as in setback.”

He said, “Oh.” And that was that.

Luckily Tammy was in the bathroom so she could be spared a fit or a heart attack. The second time I went to reach for the ashtray in the center of the table and every person at the table took a good long hard glance at it. Even though Cassandra said I’m not a bad person for doing it, and to learn from it, I’m angry at myself and trying my best to block it out. That stops me from being so angry about what I did. If I block it out, I mean. Most things I can face, express and discuss head-on. So you know if I’m that angry, it hurts. It really hurts and I hate myself for it. Otherwise, I’m basically happy with who, how and what I am.

Jessie, Kim, Bob and Cassandra are the only ones that have my new address and number. As I said, I’ve spoken to Jessie 3 times. Cassandra may call and I may call and write her a letter. She also says she may come to see me this summer. I know Jessie will be here soon, but I doubt I’ll ever see Kim or Bob again in my life. Yes, I will write to them. All they ever talk about is getting my crazy letters with all our lines. Maybe Bob will call me someday. He told Kim, “I miss that little shit.” Tonight I tried to call him collect but it wouldn’t go through. I did leave a message on Ann Marie’s machine. I hope to get another good time in the sack with her, but good luck to myself. Kim called me the day I moved in. I was cracking up when she told me Mark said he misses me. That I was honest, friendly and funny. I know he always liked me but many people have been slightly freaked out by my energy and uniqueness at first till they get to know me. Then when I’m gone, it’s so quiet and they miss me.

Funny thing is, though, when I moved, I told myself I’d dump everyone. Even considered Andy. But then I said why do that? Especially when he’s so far away and we don’t have to deal with each other on a regular basis? Now, I don’t know what I’ll do but Fran and Nervous are old news. That is for sure. I do miss shooting the shit with Fran though. Maybe I can write to him and enclose my number in time. For now, I’ll leave him both mad and wondering. He knew I was planning a move here. I told Tammy to give Andy my number if he calls. When I got my new number, it was too late. He’d already changed his as he said he was going to. Then, when he tried to call me, I’d already split and no one knew it’d be so soon. Andy’s new phone is in his own name, but he’s not listed. What’s taking him so long to call Tammy for my number? Either he’s busy, not in the mood to be lectured by Tammy or Tammy lied about telling me she’d give him my number. But would she lie? We promised each other no bullshit and to say “no” rather than yes and bullshit one another. I can always write him a letter and find out whatever is going on.