Got a letter today from Lisa.

I’m still working on a tan. I have a definite start but I still need much more. Donna’s been taking care of that and making it less boring cuz we talk about this and that. She’s very nice and very pretty. She’s 29, married and lives in Andy’s old apartment. She’s got it beautifully decorated and it’s a nice apartment.

If I made an extra $50 a month, I’d have taken a 1-bedroom. I could use the extra space and it’s what I’m used to. It has extra closet space I could use and a humongous walk-in closet in the bedroom. That thing could pass off as a whole separate room itself. Maybe someday. Where I am now is fine with no furniture, but more of a life.

Mom’s sending a TV. Wish I had shelves, a small table, and maybe a loveseat, too.

Later...

Donna is very pretty and she knows I think so and that I’m gay. She’s 5’ 8” and slightly chunky. She says she weighs 148 pounds but she doesn’t look it. She’s very solid. She’s got a nice tan and she’s part Hispanic and part German. She and her husband’s parents speak Hispanic, but they don’t. Believe it or not, there are a lot of Hispanic people who don’t speak Hispanic. It’s a funny thought knowing that if she wanted to know how to say something in Spanish, she’d have to come ask me.

She has large dark brown eyes and dark brown curly hair almost to the middle of her back. She’s very friendly and open and easy to talk to. She’s a conversationalist like I am but shares a lot of the same fears and feelings as I do. She’s not too trusting of people. When I first told her I was gay, she was shocked due to the fact that I’m so feminine. Of course, that’s nothing new for me. All she’s ever known before were gay guys and butches. She told me that even though she’s madly attracted to dark guys, there once was this gorgeous woman she saw. I guess she and her husband were out at some restaurant and she got up to go to the bathroom. In the ladies’ room, this woman was in there who she thought was drop-dead gorgeous. This woman was coming onto her too, from what Donna told me. She was playing with Donna’s hair saying, “I love your hair.” She and her husband were drooling over her and staring at her. She said guys were hitting on her and she seemed uninterested and kept her eye on Donna. Donna said that she would’ve gotten together with that girl if it weren’t for her husband.

Now, why can’t this happen to me? I’m single. How come everyone can just go up and get who they want while I can’t? No matter how well I present myself, I’m a product of major rejection. With women, that is. I’m sure that just about any woman who hits on any guy will succeed. But for me, the lust is never mutual. It’s always one-sided. With everyone else, though, it seems it’s either mutual attraction or they just don’t care. I’d never ever want to look like a butch but it’d sure be easier. Women would be more attracted to me and guys would be less attracted to me. It’s gonna take me at least another year to find a one-nighter. But that’d be only if I put much more effort into it which I haven’t really cared to do now for almost two years. I lost the motivation and the energy to put the effort into it. You’d think it oughta be easier when you’re only looking for a one-nighter. People feel less threatened when they know you’re not out to put the strings on them, but it’s like it’s not meant to be for me.

No matter what, it still all comes down to me being so feminine. And unique, energetic, and with very little experience. Not ready, willing, able and confident. It’s so scary and awkward for me and I’m so sensitive due to being alone all the time. And not raised with closeness. As much as I’m a good actress, I can’t put up that much of a front. I can’t pretend I’m used to it.

I don’t like to talk about anything personal either. Donna doesn’t know anything other than I’m gay and I came here due to my asthma, my best friend, my music and cuz it’s cheaper to live here. She does also know about the project and that I was sick and hospitalized for two weeks but she doesn’t know all the details. Donna does seem like the type you can talk to and have her understand without her turning against you or throwing anything up in your face, but why bother?

Now I have some things to write about Donna that’s a real shocker. Her being a friend to me since I don’t know anyone here and making tanning less boring is great enough as it is. But then she and 3 others I met did an awesome thing for me. A girl named Angel and her husband Brian, along with Angel’s little sister Grace got together with Donna and they brought me tons of food! The church didn’t come when they said they would and Robert upstairs gave me a few things.

Donna was over here one day and I gave her a ring. She told me then that she had a sundress she didn’t fit into anymore.

I told her and Angel at the pool how I’d be near starving till the church came and that I had an application going for food stamps (Andy and I must go there tomorrow). So a knock on my door woke me up yesterday and it was Donna, Angel, Brian and Grace. The previous evening I was at Andy’s and she left a note on my door. She had come over twice and I got back close to 12:30 AM. I figured she’d still be up, but I didn’t go over to her place. She told me she was worried and remembered I said I had asthma. That shocked me cuz no one remembers anything you say. They all have minds like garbage disposals so I forgot how receptive Donna is. I told them I just woke up and she said, “Well, can we just drop this off?” I thought she meant the sundress till I looked down and saw them holding something like 7 bags of groceries. I was like, oh my God! They got tons of food! I’m not used to anyone other than my family going all out for me like that. My stomach was growling with hunger but that evening the church did come and bring food. The few days I went hungry here is still way worth it just to be here. I’d rather be here and go hungry every so often than be with my furniture and all the material things and food in the world and have to live in that project back east ever again.

Current Location: Arizona