Well, another year has gone by and now begun. Another year I have improved, and my life has improved in so many different ways, but at the same time, I’m still nowhere and nobody.

So I’ve written during, 1987, 1988, 1989, 1990, 1991, 1992 and 1993. Seven different years, even though I’ve only written for 5 years and 2 months and 5 days. On Jan. 8th, it’ll be 2000 days.

Been out on my own for 7 years and 1 month on January 3rd.

Well, I have to get Lisa a B-Day card. She’ll be 10 on the 20th. I’ll send her $10, too.

I’m sure that in 1993, I won’t have sex. Well, maybe, and I mean just maybe, I’ll have sex, but never will I ever have lust. Never will experience lust like with Ann Marie, let alone the ultimate lust.

I called Susie who told me to call her at Dennis’s at a certain time. I did, but she says she’ll contact me when she’s sorted through everything. She asked me if I want the matching chair that Andy didn’t take. I have no room for it so I called and asked Alana if she wanted it. She said yes and Kara came and got it. I gave her money for cigarettes for both of us.

My checks must’ve come in later yesterday. Kara’s going to be getting hers soon.

We crimped each other’s hair.

Sometimes I wonder if I should beg and plead for God to send me some lust, but I know it’ll do no good as we made a deal with Ann Marie. And I got two nights with her, not only one. It’s also so much easier for me not to bother. After being alone so damn long, it’s way too hard and awkward changing. Maybe in another 5-10 years, I could get another Ann Marie, but that’d mean I’d have to go to the bars, put personal ads in and get my head played with till I got lucky in 5-10 years. It’s no longer worth all that. I believe I’m meant to be celibate for a long time, then maybe have “sex.” I know God’s keeping the deal, cuz if lust was in the cards he’d send it to me somehow knowing I’ll never step foot in a bar again. There’s a reason why I’m feminine and am attracted to feminine women and that’s cuz I’m meant to be celibate and independent. Someday down the road, though, I’d like to (within reason) return to settling. I want to learn how to do that like most people can cuz that’s life and reality.

Later...

Earlier I typed up a letter to Kim. I haven’t heard from her in a while, so I hope she writes soon. Next, I’ll write letters to Bob, my parents, my nieces and Tammy. I wonder if my parents and Tammy tried calling yesterday, but hung up before the machine came on.

I hope Dennis writes to me, but I doubt it. He said he doesn’t like to write. He took off yesterday for Williams, but he’s not too sure yet what he’s gonna do. He may go live with an aunt in Washington D.C. Maybe work helping to rebuild after Hurricane Andrew in Florida. Or work with some guy he knows on a ranch in Venezuela. I gave him an address label and told him to get in touch with me when he knows what he’s gonna do.

Andy and Kara left me messages wishing me a happy new year. Kara said to call her in the morning.

Since we could never program channel 3 into my VCR, I taped Hard Rock Cafe in New York. It was nothing spectacular, but I really wanted to tape Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. They showed a little bit of Times Square and it was snowing pretty hard. Through the fireworks, I could see the snow. I also could tell it was bitter freezing cold cuz I could see people’s breath in the air very well.

I guess I really haven’t made any new year’s resolutions any more than I made any birthday wishes. My last remaining wishes just cannot come true. I just wish I wanted some other career as badly as I wanted to be a singer. I also wish I could quit smoking and be madly attracted to butches. All this sure would make my life near perfect. I guess God’s got to leave each of us with a few things we can never have or ever do.

I sang softly earlier and later on I’ll belt it out. Then Andi can listen to me for a change.

I put up two Gloria posters, but soon I’ll be trashing them along with 95% of my collection. My mom has already trashed about 60% of my collection. Once I get my other guitar and see that my pictures aren’t in the case, I’ll be sure to trash all but a few I’ve got here. I just don’t want half of my collection. I want all of it or none of it.

Today I may also color my posters and edit tapes.