When we got in, there was a message from Larry that he was gonna be in PHX and mentioned stopping in that night or the next day. After I played his message, I noticed that Tom looked upset and I asked what was wrong. He said he was overwhelmed.

Well, so was I, but I really got pissed when he said that he’d have to “pick up the pieces” when the visit was over. That made me feel like a lousy piece of shit. Like I was a burden to him and not worth it. I told him that I could pick up my own pieces if I needed to and that this was something I had to do. Also, if the visit went bad, I would tell him I never wanted to see him again. I said if he loved and understood me, he’d be a good sport and be supportive. I’m sick of his jealous trips. First, he’s jealous of Kim and now my own brother.

I wanted to give my brother the benefit of the doubt and see if he’s changed or not and see if there could be a relationship with no hostility or anger from the past. I also said he isn’t someone I could associate with on a daily basis any more than I could with my parents or Tammy. I want and hope that there’s a way we can have occasional contact, rather than never have anything to do with each other.

Then Larry called at 7 PM that night and he said he was in Las Cruces, New Mexico. He said he may hit PHX in 3 hours. If not, maybe tomorrow at some time but he had to call his company at 8 AM to see if they had to send him to Yuma or wherever.

He asked to talk to Tom for directions and Tom knows much more than I do. Well, this struck a nerve in him and he went to bed. I asked myself, why should I feel guilty about asking the one I love for help? I felt it was easier for him to tell Larry directly than for me to dictate back and forth.

So Larry never came that night which was OK with me cuz I was tired.

I awoke the next morning after only sleeping a few hours. Tom was already up when I went into the kitchen and he wouldn’t say a word to me. Right away I thought, I don’t need this shit and I’m not gonna take it. So I asked if he was planning on being a poor sport all the time and was gonna try to control me and if he was gonna do this when Tammy and my parents come out here.

Well, his main gripe was that we had plans for Saturday which I didn’t even know about. We were to go to a restaurant, but I thought that was next weekend. He also said he was working on the pool and was going Christmas shopping. Well, the pool and the shopping had nothing to do with me, as I couldn’t help him with the pool or his shopping. I don’t know his family or have any idea of what they’d want.

Then he was expressing his concerns about me letting Larry and abusive people into my life. I said that if Larry came off as abusive or I felt in danger in any way, I’d have nothing to do with him and that I don’t let abusive people into my life. I’m not the Jodi I used to be who would just lay down and put up with people’s shit. I know how to say no to bad people or places.

Neither of us ever thought of me moving out, but when he said “the engagement was off, we were over, I was scum treating him like scum,” I was both furious and hurt. And all because my brother visited me. I thought once again about how life’s all about dumping and being dumped. I wondered if he was gonna throw in the towel and say we were through every time we have a problem. It’s easier to call it quits rather than work things out. I asked him how overnight he went from us working through the tough times to let’s call it quits. He was putting false feelings and intentions in my head, jumping the gun and doing things he didn’t like me to do. He said I was abusive to him by canceling our plans and time together. Seeing my brother is not abusing him, I didn’t know we had plans, I don’t like to be abused, and what goes on in my life with family or others doesn’t mean he’s less important.

So later he apologized for saying mean things to me and I told him of course I want to try to see others when he’s working or asleep so we can be together when he’s home. And yes, he’s encouraged me to see others. And yes, I love to spend time with him. The good thing about it was that we settled our problems and talked them through in a few hours, rather than a few days like it used to be. We even made love and that’s another good thing that I’ve been very happy about. He’s been more physical with me.

Today it got even better, as what he said to me was the best thing he’s ever said in making peace with any of our disagreements. It took a very big person to say what he said when he got home from work after I told him my visit went well with Larry. He said he felt so bad cuz he was really wrong yesterday and didn’t handle it well at all. He really said this from the heart and that he wanted to give me more responsibility like I’ve been wanting if I still want him. I told him of course I wanted him and that if I didn’t, I’d say so and get the hell out. He said he knew that I could relate to pressure and that he wanted me to help him from going crazy and making the same mistake and he trusted me to be responsible for making my own judgments when it comes to us. He doesn’t ever want to say mean things and he wants to learn to handle himself better when he’s upset. He doesn’t want any stupid rules and says I can go back to dancing anytime I want. Oh, I knew this cuz nobody tells me what to do and I refuse to live in a controlled place. I am a responsible adult and he’s not gonna play daddy or put out rules, any more than I would. He fully agrees with this. When I mentioned I was afraid he’d come home from work early when Larry was here, he looked sad and said he didn’t ever want me to feel that way cuz I don’t deserve it. I agree. I also agreed with him to not say nasty things when I’m upset, too, as words can hurt like a slap or a punch. I felt so happy with all we talked about before he hit the sack. What we have to work out and get better at is a joke compared to what Andy and I had to work out and get better at as friends so I’m far from worried. I still feel very confident that we’ll be OK and we have so many good days. We began going together in August and the total time that’s been bad is about two weeks of it and I think that’s pretty good compared to most people!

Later...

I’m sooo happy now. The visit went well with Larry as I said before and I do believe he wanted to see me and wasn’t simply out to please mom and dad. I could sense that Larry’s not anxious to see Tammy, but what can I say? In a way, I’m not surprised, as those two were not close ever. He and I were.

In other news, Tom and I are doing great. Naturally, he’s sound asleep now and I may try to knock off soon.

Before I do, let me mention what I did for Bob. It took me many hours, but I didn’t mind. Especially with Tom’s stereo having high-speed dubbing. I made him 19 tapes of convos and edits. He’ll love it and this will really occupy his time. I taped onto tapes of other people, cuz I want to get rid of those and use only blanks if I can. Well, I’ll write more later. Bye for now!

Later...

I had quite a busy, yet productive day today. I dusted, vacuumed, cleaned the bathroom, washed dishes, washed the shower curtain and last night I changed the pig’s cage. I also went out to the driveway and picked up 3 flyers that had been out there and trashed those.

Only Tom got mail today, but I spoke to dad. No UPS package got sent yet, but it will soon. My guitar and other stuff will be in it. Meanwhile, tomorrow I hope to get an envelope ma sent.

I spoke to dad about their new place which they love. Pictures will soon be sent to me. Can you believe they do not have a camcorder? I’m surprised they don’t.

I told him that Kim, Phil and Alex came and that Kim sent a camera. I also told him all the great things about Tom and dad said, “It’ll work. It’s your time now.”

Can’t wait for him to hurry home so I can show him all I’ve done around here and tell him things.

Last night he was so loving and rubbed my back and made me coffee when I got up after a nap. I could see in his eyes how he still feels bad about last Friday and Saturday. He expressed once again how he felt bad for saying mean things. That’s what really counts. If he couldn’t see his faults or didn’t want to confess to them, then there’d be a problem and I’d probably leave.

Later...

Tom and I just talked for an hour and a half. Now he’s gone to bed.

I have a sprained ankle which is a little sore. We have no ace bandages, so I wrapped it in a towel.

The lady never called back as I asked her to, but she called from a dance studio somewhere about a free trial lesson.

I did some thinking as far as the Ex-Caliber goes, or any other bar. The only moneymaking nights that are worth it are on weekends and no club will let me work less than 4 shifts a week. Sunday - Thursday nights and days aren’t really too much more money and if I did work weekends, I’d hardly see Tom. This would be cruel and unfair to both of us and my spending time with him is as important to me as it is to him. So, we’re gonna check out dance places for disco or modern dance and see if weekly lessons are affordable. This way I can do what I love to do, it won’t be 6-7 hour shifts, I could schedule it so Tom could drive me, he’d have better peace of mind and I wouldn’t have to deal with drunks in loud smoky bars. We’ll see.

Right now, I’m taping a 2-hour movie of the Brady Bunch having a Christmas reunion. After, I’m gonna watch a movie called Single White Female.

Earlier I typed 3 letters. To Kim, Alex and Fran. I also pre-addressed envelopes. I’d like Tom to teach me how to print address labels for those I constantly write to. This way, all I have to do is stick it on, like I do with my address labels. It’ll be neater and easier.

Well, it’s almost showtime, so I’m gonna go make me some popcorn. I must take my meds in an hour.