I looked at the date I just wrote and asked myself why it seemed familiar and didn’t settle right with me. Then I remembered it was the day I was admitted to the Brattleboro Retreat in Vermont in 1981 for 5 months of hell. Wow! It’s been 13 years. It feels like it’s been that long, but it also feels like it may as well have been a few years ago. I remember everything very clearly and vividly. I knew then that if there truly was a heaven and a hell and that if I went to hell when I died, I’d be totally prepared having already been to hell.

I was just a baby when I learned people are often like fresh milk. They may start off good, but then they go sour. Thank God for Tom and Andy, though. Thank God.

After I have a smoke, I’ll get into what I’ve done and a talk I had with Tom.

Later...

In a little while, I’m going to go cook some spaghetti and boil some vanilla extract. You boil it till it evaporates and it freshens the air and kills all the cigarette smoke.

I didn’t get up until 3:30 PM but got a lot done. Tom made me a doctor’s appointment for 8/16. I supposedly have a female doctor, but I’m sure God will see to it that I’m usually in the company of males whenever I do go there.

Tom said he was out back very briefly but could hear them next door.

Yeah, I believe it. Oh, I just dread how it’ll be a month from now.

Tom worked on his poster-making program. It’s looking good.

I called Kim and told her Alex’s address. She said that there had been an ambulance call while she was at work or something like that and thought it could’ve been his parents, but the call wasn’t from that house. She also said she met a great-looking guy at the beach, but when he said his name was Bob, she said - forget it! Tom and I were cracking up over that one.

She said she also pictured Tom with black hair, as I sent her a video print-out. She said she didn’t know he had “blondish” hair, but I told her it was brown/gray. She said he looked really sweet.

Tom went down on me before going to bed. After he went to bed, I dusted, straightened up and changed my sheets. I also watched a kind of boring movie with Lindsay Wagner. I showered, shaved, did my hair and straightened it. I began typing #60, but now I’m going to cook and do dishes before I write any more.

Later...

OK, I made the spaghetti, so now I’ll write about what I told Tom. There was a part of me that wanted to tell what I told Tom to my parents, but I’m not going to. Yes, I’ve made a few prank calls to my aunts and uncles, but they’ve done shit to me, too. They’ve accused me of things I didn’t do, they’ve threatened me, they’ve shoved me around, slapped me, and told people I was crazy, while they’d be phony and friendly to my face. It is kind of sad in a way that these people haven’t acknowledged me in years (aunts, uncles and cousins) and probably never will. At the same time, though, I know this way’s the best (having no contact). These people are fucking assholes for the most part who’ll believe only what they want to believe, and Tom made me feel better by letting me know that he too, has aunts, uncles and cousins he hasn’t seen in years.

Well, now I’ll go do the dishes, then maybe I’ll type Kim a letter and get one started to Bob.

Later...

Kim’s letter’s printing out right now. Did the dishes, but I probably won’t start Bob’s letter till tomorrow. I’ll also send Tammy a message.

Remember how I said I was sick of copying letters and was going to talk them into tapes? Well, I’m not even going to do that. I’m just going to keep the originals in manila envelopes and if he writes anything unusual or different, I’ll tell Kim. We talked about it and she agreed, cuz he never says anything new other than he wants out of prison, loves Kim, wishes he could see me and get the hell out here.

Later...

I didn’t get up till 3:30 PM, but I’ve already got enough to tell. I got 2 letters from Bob as well as a Polaroid picture of him. He looks totally different. I’ve always known him with no beard or mustache and with a crew cut. Well, this time his hair was 2-3 inches long on his head and he’s got a full beard and mustache.

Later...

Back again after playing with Piggy, talking with Tom, and watching TV after he went to bed.

Tomorrow the post office is redelivering a letter from Bob in which I owe 23¢ postage due. I can’t believe they wouldn’t deliver it over a lousy 23¢.

I also got a very strange letter from SSI. They’re saying that from Sept. 1st on I’ll be getting a check for $466 every month. They said the reason for this is cuz I had no income for July. How do they know that? July’s not over yet and what about August? I tried to call them, but couldn’t get through. Ma said to ignore them, but Tom said to call and see what they have to say about it. Yeah, that’s what I’ll do. Another funny thing is that this $466 is to come from SSI, not SS which usually is a bigger check. SSI in Arizona pays no more than $16 and in MA it’s a little over $100.

So am I on or off disability? Who knows, but Tom says, “If someone wants to give you money, take it.”

I agree. I’ll have to tell them I’m married now, though, and that my checking account’s been closed.

My parents were in a glorious mood today. My mom answered and asked where I’d been. Guess she’s been trying to call me. She was laughing, as she said not to call her all the time to ask what or when, but she’s sending a package and both Larrys will be calling about a visit. They want to see me and meet Tom. Tom said, sure, he’ll meet them. Cool! I was afraid Tom might be uncomfortable with that idea. But I wonder - will I be up when he calls? Will I be awake when they say they can come? Will Tom have to work when they say they can come?

God, please let it all fall into place!