I think I forgot to mention that Tom got clear contact paper and a spray-on plastic sealer for my wall art. The plastic sealer works great and now I don’t have to worry about any more runs. The clear contact paper will keep them protected too, but you can see the seams. First he tested the spray by spraying the balloons I did in the kitchen/back room archway. When we saw how great it worked, we did my favorite one. The one of the cat and vase of flowers sitting on a table. Now all we have to spray is the cactus, a hanging plant and the palm tree in the hall. To hell with the design I did on the mailbox, the rainbow and tulip and the picture of multi-colors above the living room wall heater. The ones I put contact paper on are the flowers and the little girl in my bedroom, the vase of flowers and pot of leaves in the living room and the designs in the hall and in the door frame of the hall/living room.

Later...

We all know that right before a woman’s period is when she’s not only the horniest but tends to think more about having a kid. Well, I guess at least most women know this. I guess it’s got something to do with the hormones.

So anyway, early on the morning of the 6th, I was doing dishes and had to stop cuz my heart was beating so hard and so fast. It had been doing that for hours. This panic came over me when I thought of having to wait till 1996 to maybe have a kid. And all I could think about was my singing, too. I began to feel like my life would be on hold and at a complete standstill for a year or two, and I just didn’t know what to do in the meantime. I’m not exactly the most patient person there is. I’m far from it.

I began to worry that something bad would happen or I’d be compensated for being so blessed with Tom and AZ.

Right now, cuz I have my period, I feel like I’ve slipped back into reality and I wish I could stay here all the time. Why is it that telling myself what I’d have to go through if I were to be a mom always isn’t enough to take away the desire? I can think of lots of reasons for both not being a mom and for being a mom.

I talked to Tammy after I talked to Tom who said nobody would do anything to me or disown me, but she said that I won’t have a life, kids only sleep a few hours, and this and that. While this is all very true and that should stop the desire, I also see it the other way around. That I don’t have the kind of life that I’d have to give up to begin with. Meaning, how often do I go out? Hardly ever. I don’t want to be in any other career other than music and if I were doing something with music, then we’d most definitely have the money to pay for daycare or a babysitter. The only real thing I’d be giving up is sleep and probably some sanity, but look at Gloria. She’s got a husband and a kid. I’m not saying it’s easy, though.

I don’t know what to do or think. I mean, I feel great right now, but what about in 3 weeks? I guess I’ll always have desires here and there to have a kid. For a while, I felt like a freak. Asking myself how I could want something I couldn’t handle physically or mentally. Tom says it’s perfectly normal, he just knows I’m not sterile, I will be a mom cuz he can see that’s what I want and that it is mutual. We’ll see, but the two most important #1 things that I’ll always want as a top priority are Tom and my singing. That comes above anything else in this world.

Later...

I forgot to mention something else about Tom. Yesterday morning after he got up and talked with me, he went to lie down for a while. After a ½ hour or so, I got the urge to go cuddle up with him. I opened the door quietly thinking he’d be asleep, but I could’ve sworn he was doing himself while lying on his stomach. I could be wrong, but if he was - fine. Whatever turns him on. I do the same thing when he’s not here or is asleep.

He just got up, so I’ll write more later.

One more quick thing - got my ring in a 4½ and it’s the perfect fit. So beautiful, too!

Later...

Now for Fran’s bullshit. I’m fucking 3,000 miles away and having problems with him. No more and no fucking way! I don’t care about getting Sabrina’s letters. He’s not worth it, especially with the little confession he left on the VM last night. I had a feeling about it too. He said he billed two calls to us, is sorry, knows it was wrong, but is sending Sabrina a package. Sorry doesn’t cut it this time. I talked to Tom about it and if there are any calls on the bill, we’ll get blocks. The fucking operators always break the rules. I should know. I used to bill calls here and there. If they hear a desperado like Fran pleading with them, they just feel bad for him and foot the bill to us. No fucking way. I’m not going to deal with this fucking shit from across the country. I better call Andy and warn him, cuz if he billed calls to Nervous and me, he billed calls to him, too.

Later...

I didn’t get any mail yesterday, but I hope to today.

Tom’s in the shower now, but when he gets out, I’ll tell him to just hang up if Fran calls and I’ll do the same. He can waste all his time calling and leaving all kinds of messages.

As for Sabrina, well, she can stop on over and write to him saying that she’d still be his pen pal, but would never give Fran her number if she had a phone cuz of how he billed calls to Jodi. That Jodi doesn’t want anything to do with him, that was a raunchy thing for a friend to do, etc.

Guess I’ll go work on a banner for Tammy and all them guys.