I just saw the most sickening, cruel, unfair and depressing thing on TV. In a news documentary in India, it shows how not only is it perfectly legal to beat and kill women whose marriages are arranged, but it’s a common, everyday practice to kill baby girls. Because it’s a poor country, girls are considered too expensive and, in their beliefs, and traditions, girls are a curse and inferior to boys. This drives the belief in me, like never before, that God set out to curse women and girls and that life’s not fair. I believe God’s got two things on His mind more and more these days. One, to control the world’s population. Two, to ruin each generation more and more by giving more and more kids to bad people and to people who don’t want them. I see no reason to believe or even think for a second that God would ever give us a child.

I know it’ll always be hard for me to accept never having a kid, but I don’t think I have a choice. Instead, I must put all my energy into stuff that’s real, rather than dwell on something I can’t do anything about.

I’m looking forward to today. We’re going to do up tie-dye shirts and play around.

I was thinking of asking Tom if every now and then he’d say he was cumming when he’s in there. It’d turn me on and make me feel more like a “normal” woman who’s really pleasing him. However, I don’t want to make him uncomfortable and make him feel silly, either.

Got a Christmas card from David and Evie yesterday. Before that, we got one from Geri. Already we have more Christmas cards than I’ve ever gotten in b-day and Chanukah cards combined. It sure is weird having Christmas cards and presents cuz it’s like having two birthdays or two Chanukahs, instead of one of each. It’d be funny if we had a kid in June, cuz then it’d be 3 things in June and 3 in December. December would be my b-day, Christmas and Chanukah. June would be our anniversary, Tom’s b-day and the kid’s b-day.

Tom got a watch and a thank you card from my parents. His card said: thank you for caring. Tom’s never worn watches and I think he said he doesn’t like anything around his wrist, so I hope he likes it. He must as it’s not anywhere to be seen, so he must have it on (he’s asleep now). I laughed when I saw the $175 price tag cuz they never forget to remove price tags.

I think I’ll go watch TV now. I’m sure I’ll find another pregnant woman saying she’s going to poison or feed her baby unhusked rice so it’ll die, but that’s life, huh? Obviously, it’s also what God wants too, if He truly exists. He lets it happen, after all.

Maybe I’ll do some more typing, too, as yesterday I finished the David document and began and finished Wendy’s.

Later...

I completed the Lolita document and worked on 29.

Tom oughta be up anytime now.

I may have a new radio station. Well, for the longest time, I’ve been listening to KOOL FM. They play music from the 60s and early 70s. They also play some 50s. When I was watching TV, a commercial advertised a station that does only the 70s. I wish I knew of one that did the 70s and 80s. Some of the songs suck and others are great, so we’ll see.

Now, it’s off to type more.

Later...

Now I’ve only got about 27 pages left of 29 to type up. I’m at the part where Stacey tried fucking me over. Yup, she had a thing for me that scared her. It also pissed her off cuz she couldn’t and wouldn’t act on it, so she lashed out at me. Just like Nervous, Fran and a lot of guys can be. If they can’t get positive attention, they seek negative attention. It had taken me a while to figure out what was motivating Stacey, but upon reading back on the incident, yes, she had a thing for me. I’ll bet you I was the first one she ever thought of in that way. If not, one of several, and it finally got to her after so long of being able to deal with it.

Boy, Tom’s really catching up on his sleep and must’ve been tired. I just remembered he was to stop over at Eileen’s after work to delete stuff from her computer. Eileen is the one with the gay daughter named Robin. She’s got a husband and 7 kids. Good, God! I wonder if she wanted that many?

The more I analyze a certain situation, the more confusing it seems. You know me, though. I love to analyze stuff. If God’s out to keep me childless, then why keep Tom from cumming? All He has to do is make sure the DES sterilizes me. Is it to make us wait longer for whatever reason? Hmm… how does his not cumming fit into this when I could very well already be sterile? I’m sure I’ve already got all the pieces of the puzzle in my hands. It just takes time to put them all together sometimes. Just like it did for a few other situations. Hopefully, someday it’ll make sense.