Yesterday I typed up Tom Valentine’s letter and boy did I get the sweetest surprise from him. On one piece of paper, in the center of it, is a big heart that says Happy Valentine’s Day. Around that, he typed: To the most beautiful, lovely, pretty, attractive, gorgeous, good looking, beauteous, ravishing, sexy, intelligent, bright, sharp, smart, clever, talented, gifted endowed wife in the world. I hope you will be my Valentine forever!

This was so wonderfully sweet. Especially the words, sexy, smart, talented and gifted.

Later...

I just left Andy a message who I still haven’t heard from and read him the Valentine’s letter from Tom. I also typed it into my parents and Tammy’s letters I just did.

Later...

Tom’s on his way out to work, so I thought I’d write a few lines.

I got a letter from Bob, and due to him writing his letters towards the center of the paper; I punched holes in it and put it in the binder.

Later...

I have so many thoughts and ideas going through my head right now. I know some could be right, some partially right, and some way off the wall. I’m just doing what I do best right now. Analyzing and figuring. Remember how I said that a part of me would think Tom didn’t want a kid and part of me would think he did? Well, I believe way way way more that he does. I can tell by what he’s told me and all the opinions and feelings about it that he’s expressed to me. Well, it has been my experience that things either take forever to happen, if they happen at all, or they all happen at once.

There are only two reasons why I didn’t get pregnant when we met as well as around the time of our wedding or my surgery. One is cuz under one of Murphy’s laws everything happens at once. The other is due to all the “kid” signs all around me and thrown in my face for so long just like guys were for so long. Remember how I said it was quite obvious many years ago that God wanted me with a guy and not a woman?

It’s not that I can’t go to Tom and ask him about his feelings and that he’s not honest with me, it’s just that I don’t want any mixed messages to confuse me more. We can all give off mixed messages even if the feelings are basically the same. Even I have. For example, yes, I do want a kid way more than I don’t, but right now I probably appear to not want one. Truthfully, I don’t on a day like today. What I mean by that is that there’s no way I could keep up with it today till Tom got home. I’ve been up since 9:00 last night. Tom said that if we had a kid, I wouldn’t be in a situation like that, but I don’t get that. I don’t think having a kid will make it any easier for me to always be the day person I’d need to be or get up day after day, night after night, every hour to change and feed it.

Well, I know that Tom mentioned that my being 30 and the year being 1996 appealed to him. He also said a long time ago that June was a good month to get pregnant. This morning I said that March would be a good time to have it to keep it away from the busy months of June and December and he said, “Yes” in a tone I know really well. A tone that said he very much agreed and that’s what he was planning on. When I calculated it, I realized that dropping a kid in the month of March after a normal 9-month term would mean getting pregnant in June.

I thought about it and realized we were supposed to be in business a long time ago and have so many other things done a long time ago that aren’t done yet, or we did get things done, but way later than we planned on. Not that either of us is lazy or deliberately putting stuff off, but still, that’s the usual case.

I told him this morning that I can’t deal with prospective dates anymore. To please not say stuff like, “If you just wait two months, you’ll be pregnant.”

You know how I said my “feeling” of having a kid in November went away? Well so did conceiving in April. The reason why his saying this got to me is cuz I know it’s not true and I don’t want to go get myself all psyched up for nothing. He’s said he thinks we’ll have a kid in the fall. Now it’s the beginning of 1996. He’s said he was gonna cum in the winter of ‘94, then the spring of ‘94, then the summer of ‘94, then the winter of ‘95 and he still says he will cum. I can’t deal with this shit. I know he’s not out to play head games with me, but I can’t deal with bullshit dates.

I need to keep realistic here and remind myself of the fact that I probably can’t get pregnant even if he came in there daily. And that if I can and do, it’ll no doubt drag on for years. Meaning I probably couldn’t get pregnant before 1½ years or more from now. I’m sure he’ll cum when he’s ready to make that kid, but he’s also dropped hints here and there as far as me being right about the much later timing.

One time we were discussing sleeping together. I said it’d be best to do so when we have a kid cuz then I’m gonna be woken up constantly and not sleeping much anyhow. He said he disagreed. I asked if the reason why was cuz it’s so far away and he said yes, that was partly it.

But a month or so ago he said he thought we were just casually screwing without planning dates till it was discovered that I was pregnant. I always said, “Well, Tom, that’s fine, but you’ve got to cum for that to be likely.”

I’ll discuss someone else’s opinion on that later.

This morning we made a deal. He said, “How about it if we do this, but this is only tentative. We can change our minds. Despite the surgery, we’ll take care of the dentist in April and the GYN in May. Cuz then if you aren’t pregnant, you’ll be making very serious plans to be.” Then he went on to say stuff as if I’d way more than likely not be and he knew it. He mentioned asking if all looked OK to get pregnant at this May appointment. At this point, it’s getting harder and harder to think about it in a positive, hopeful way. I’ve had my share of letdowns in my life. It’s not that I’m not used to them, aren’t prepared for them, or can’t deal with them, but I sure don’t want to. If I’m not pregnant by June, then I will definitely wonder about both of us. I just don’t want to be getting my hopes up and all psyched up for nothing. It’s just too damn tiring. I think it’d be best and easiest for me if I think and have the attitude that I’m not gonna have a kid and that if I do, it’ll be years from now.

Lastly, I’m still not 100% sure about what’s up with his not cumming. I’m 98% sure he’s waiting till we make the kid, but there’s that 2% chance that there’s something wrong and he won’t admit it out of embarrassment or whatever.

I finally decided I would call a nurse and ask some of these questions at a medical info line. She did say I should ask a GYN these questions also, and to me, her answers are her opinions that aren’t necessarily right. She’s not in Tom’s head or a guy any more than I am.

Here are the quick answers first:

No, the KY won’t prevent pregnancy but could hinder it somewhat. More so, it won’t be a problem.

She doesn’t know about DES, but has heard of it and has heard that it’s supposed to affect having babies.

Now, as I figured and was told before, my meds won’t affect getting pregnant.

A nurse I once talked to when Tom and I first met said the chances of conceiving without a guy cumming is 10% - 15%. This is also what we had thought. Tom said the reason why there are millions of sperms is cuz one isn’t likely to make it. Well, the nurse said that all it takes is one and that we’ve been beating the odds cuz guys leak (and yes, he does) and there are millions alone in there. In just the leakage from the pre-cum, I mean. This makes me more convinced I’m sterile if it’s that possible and this much easier than I thought.

She asked how I knew he didn’t cum. Cuz he always says he was “so close” and I never feel anything leaking out of me. She said maybe it depends on how soon after I get up. I asked if she noticed it leak out of her when she’s with someone. She said she didn’t know, doesn’t pay attention, but that a GYN could tell if it’s possible for a guy to cum without discharging anything.

There’s also stuff like when he said, “This feels so good that it makes me never want to cum,” a few months back. He also said that if it were all up to him, he’d move in slow motion which is nice some of the time but boring all of the time. I usually tell him to be more aggressive. Go faster and harder.

He constantly goes from hard to soft and always has an excuse. He’s tired, he’s got a cramp, a headache, a sinus ache, etc.

She asked how he relieves himself and she can’t understand him going that long without relieving himself. I assume he takes care of himself and he’s told me he has wet dreams. She then said she agreed with me that his not cumming is psychological. She also went on to say that he could have a deep-seated fear of having a baby that he won’t open up about due to his ego or being sensitive in certain ways. Men have more apprehensions about having a baby than women, he could be afraid to lose me, etc. Yeah, I’ve heard it all. It’s not a guy thing, kids are for the mothers, it’s too non-macho, silly, and the guy’s turned off cuz the woman’s fat and feels jealous and left out due to the affection being on the baby. Yes, Tom has displayed sensitivity, jealousy, and feeling left out, but all this other stuff doesn’t fit him. If anyone has more fears and doubts about it I think it’d be me. I’m the one that always said I was afraid of losing him due to being tired, bitchy, and fat. I was afraid we’d have no time and no lives together. I was afraid the kid would come in between us, worried about affording it, etc. He’s said he’s not nervous about having a kid; there are more rewards to it than bad, and all kinds of positive things about it. I have to believe what he says. I mean, can he really be that much of a liar?

At this point, I’m gonna try my best to look at it like it’s never gonna happen as I said I would. If I’m not pregnant by the time June rolls around, then I’ll wonder if that nurse was right. Then I’ll go from thinking he’s holding off for now to he really does not want a kid. If he cums and months go by and I’m not? Then I’ll believe the DES did get the best of me and God doesn’t want me to have one for two possible reasons. One, it’d kill me. Two, I’d be such a good mom that doesn’t “qualify” in this day and age.