Damn, I haven’t done a #2 since the day before the surgery. Is it gonna be like the last time? I hope to hell I’m not constipated for a week like before, then have the runs and massive stomach pains.

I made another bracelet out of macramé. I’m starving and am now making a TV dinner.

I’m surprised Andy hasn’t called yet. Bob really gets on my nerves here and there, but I’ll discuss it after I eat.

Later...

I told Bob not to write little messages or poems on his envelopes. They’re really quite embarrassing and it’s no one else’s business what he’s got to tell me. He said he wouldn’t, but the stupid ass goes and does it twice. He just doesn’t get it and he’s just getting to be more and more boring, corny, with the same old shit to say. I’m thinking of dumping him more and more these days.

I’ve sent him a few word-find puzzles I don’t really like and he likes them a lot. In a manila envelope, I’m gonna send a few I keep with a certain type of print I don’t really care for, and a letter giving him a piece of my mind for the last time.

It’s hard to keep my mouth shut about my desires and fears of having a child. At the same time, though, I don’t want Tom to feel pressured. Why do I still want something I probably can’t have? Especially something that could very well kill me and our marriage. Something I couldn’t handle physically and mentally. Me and others thought I could never handle a relationship, but what if Tammy’s right and my worst fears of having a kid do come true? It seems like it should be much easier for me to never have a child and I’m sure that’s true, but it sure doesn’t always feel easier. I really hope that if I am sterile and if Tom never cums that the definite and potential negatives to having a kid will be enough to drive that desire away.

For about the 8th time I prayed to God to allow me to become pregnant as soon as can be and let us be the best parents we can possibly be and still have a wonderful marriage. If it’s not in my cards, please allow me to deal with and accept it better and help me through that.

I told Tom yesterday that my feeling of conceiving in April was fading, but June was a little stronger as far as a feeling about that. His reaction didn’t surprise me due to comments he’s made in the past. He said June was a good month to get pregnant cuz it’s cooler by the time you’re big. And something about being married at least a year before getting pregnant and it being born in 1996.

Anyway, there are 3 things I have a hard time believing him about. In all other areas, he’s always been 100% honest as far as I’m concerned and could always see and sense. Again those 3 things are:

1. How he claims Kim and all of us woke him up.

2. He’s always gonna be cumming “real soon” or “any time now” (I believe him when he says he always gets close by how hard he gets). Then he slows down and pulls himself out as if to keep from cumming. I’m not a guy, but I don’t know for sure, as weird as this sounds. He says he cums by going really slow so he can feel every movement thoroughly and really take in the feeling.

3. He says I’ll be pregnant soon and soon in his book he says means anywhere from now to 6 months with 2 or 3 being more likely. I don’t know about this cuz first he said I’d probably have one in November, then that became December.

After a cigarette, I’ll discuss my two worst fears, although they are thankfully doubtful.

Later...

I’ve finally been blessed with being able to take a normal shit. A small one, though, so I know I need to catch up.

Anyway, about these fears that are doubtful. I mentioned before my fear of Tom not really wanting a kid, but just saying he does to make me happy. When we first met he did say he could live with or without a kid and would agree to have one if his wife (not knowing I’d be his wife at the time) wanted one.

He’s expressed more of a desire to as time’s gone on, but from oh, say, when we met till up to 4-5 months ago, he’s said comments suggesting it’s not what he wants. Comments like: Jodi, you’re not going to have a child. I like things the way they are. I don’t know if it’s what I want. I’m so busy, I don’t know if I want the responsibility. I never sensed you’d have kids. I don’t think it’s what you really want. Not everyone in the world can have kids, etc.

I believe he’s trying to get me to be more patient by putting off stuff, even though I tell him I consider it eager, ambitious and motivated, but how do I know for sure that some other woman or person didn’t really hurt him in ways he’s never said? Like promised him something they never gave him and he wants to “even the score?” I highly doubt this, but that’d be nearly as bad as being sterile for sure or him never cumming if he’s planning on always and knowingly doing all he can do to keep me from getting pregnant. I would be very resentful if I ever found out for sure or got highly suspicious of him trying to keep us forever childless. It’d be bad and unfortunate if he said he didn’t want one or if I am sterile, but that’s very different than having someone knowingly and intentionally playing around with a serious issue with you and your head. Well, I’m still 99.9% sure he’s not a Scott M so that’s good.

Can’t wait till I get these bandages removed on April 4th. They’re not nearly as uncomfortable as the ones in Boston, but it’s not heaven, either. I do have some itches here and there.

I took the small wimpy headphones that go to the Walkman to use in my box. With these, I can adjust it so the left side is in the back of my head away from that ear while the good side is right on my ear. I can’t do that with my big kick-ass ones. They sound lousy, but it’ll do for now. Tom doesn’t mind if I play the box while he sleeps cuz he is a heavy sleeper, but occasionally I do like headphones anyway. I only like to blast it in the daytime. You see, I couldn’t give a shit or care less if I woke them up next door at 3 AM. I just don’t want to disturb any other people around here that never have been rude and disrespectful to my peace and quiet. I suppose, though, I should forget about others and just live my own life as everyone else does. People go about their business, doing whatever it is they do at all hours of the morning, afternoon, evening, and very late at night.

I sure wrote way more than I expected to tonight, but I really enjoyed it. It’s great to write out new things as well as stuff I’ve mentioned a million times over and get it all out. Tom has never ever discouraged me from talking to him. It’s just that I don’t want him to feel pressured or burdened and he isn’t here and awake 24 hours a day.