Last night I wasn’t going to take any Melatonin, but by 3:30, I was too tired to do anything and sick of just laying in bed, so I took it. I thought I’d sleep till noon or later, but was up at 10:00. I slept forever yesterday, so I was caught up. Tom, of course, was up when I got up.

I’m not in a very good mood right now. Perhaps that’s because he’s gonna have us get together later and I know there’s going to be a problem/excuse, as usual. Each year that goes by gets harder for me. I feel no excitement and never look forward to sex. All I do is dread it. It stresses me out. As always I ask myself what I should do about it. What can I do about it? I either have to just live with it or avoid it. I mean, the sex we have will never change, so it’s a take-it-or-leave-it situation.

Out of sheer curiosity, and although I’m happy with the way things turned out, I sometimes wonder - what if there really is no outer force that’s kept me from conceiving? And what if my plumbing really is OK? What if it’s been all because of his lack of cumming all along?

I doubt it. I mean, I find that tremendously hard to believe. I’m pretty positive something out there plans each step we take in life. If it weren’t for my experiences, as well as the experiences of others, I wouldn’t believe it.

He tells me he wants to either stall or avoid Evie, David, and the kids visiting because they’re weird and David will want to do stuff on the computers and drive Tom nuts. But he’s supposed to love computers.

I think it’s the kids. I really do. I think he’s afraid of having to deal with my bitching about when the kids break something, and I’m sure he also fears the kid’s visit will get me wanting our own kid and bitching about his not cumming, but this just wouldn’t be the case. I’d move all the breakables, and I wouldn’t want our own kid just because they visited. I don’t want him to cum either, if he doesn’t want to. I just want him to stop bullshitting me and to tell me he’s not in the mood to screw, rather than play the I-just-can’t-get-in-there game. He doesn’t need to conveniently forget how to fuck. He doesn’t need to make up false injuries, either. All he needs to do is tell me he’s not in the mood.

There’s a new series out called The Others. If they can stick to the topic and not turn it into a show all about pregnancy and childbirth, then I’ll be looking forward to watching it every week. Of course, though, there’ll only be 10-15 episodes made. Not 200 like they used to with series. It’s about a group of psychics who have experiences similar to mine. Thank God there’s one thing I can’t relate to and that’s possession. That’d scare the shit out of me to be possessed.

Later...

Tom’s putting sex off as usual. He tends to wait till the end of his day or till close to when he has to go to work. I’m sure he’ll want to spend some time in the bathroom before we screw, too.

Later...

“I was having a hard time staying on the bed,” was his excuse this time around. “You should’ve moved,” I told him. “I’m not very coordinated,” he said.

Anyway, at least he went in there. I used lots of KY, too. Although I enjoyed the few minutes he was in me, it was also boring and predictable. I felt like we were just going through the motions with no real feeling. What else is new, though, huh? Another week and God will be acting like I’m fertile and in need of prevention. Tom will be way too scared to cum and God will stand by making sure he doesn’t, as if I could conceive if he did but was at the wrong time in life to be doing that. Again, why not just have me have to have a hysterectomy, God?

I asked Tom what he’d do if I was naïve upon meeting him and never knew or mentioned his not cumming. He said he’d assume I knew. But what if I apparently didn’t? I asked him. I’d never lie to you, he said. I still don’t believe him for a minute, though. I think that no matter how dumb and naïve I seemed and no matter how much I seemed to believe he was cumming, he’d never spill the beans on me and tell me the truth.

Later...

No engine gunning this weekend. Just music. Yeah, you heard right, but don’t act surprised. I told you we’d hear people’s music and whatever, regardless of how remote we are. And this was just barely on the edge of my range of hearing too, so wait till it gets louder and more obvious. The longer we’re here, the noisier it’ll get. I couldn’t tell where it was coming from, but I’m sure it was Dan. If he gets any louder, he’s got to go. Tom said that what with the way the wind’s blowing it could be coming from four miles away. Could be, but I doubt it.