Little Buddy was getting to be a real Houdini there, so once again, I popped off the wire top and made a roof with the plastic shelves. The edges of the wire roof were a bit bigger, enabling him to squeeze through them, so this is why I have solid shelves there now.

Tomorrow’s the day Tom said we had a “date,” although we may not necessarily screw, as he said. If this sounds cold – I don’t care, but I don’t want to screw him. I want Teddy Bear to go down on me.

Got a visit from Scot today. I figured he’d come this week while he thought Tom was out. He came at 2:30. It’s 8:00 now and Tom’s still at work. They’ve been jostling his hours around lately.

For some reason, I was a bit nervous about Scot’s visit and he left a bad vibe lingering in the air. I’m still paranoid, and hopefully just paranoid, that I’m either going to get framed for something else I didn’t do, ordered to lose control of my body by being ordered to be drugged up by shrinks, have our house ransacked, and God knows what else. I’m still worried about this job issue, too. It’s only a matter of time before he presses that issue, and believe me, the guy’s a stickler for following rules. He made it very clear to me how much he needs me to do what the court’s ordered to “cover his butt” (like it needs covering – right!) and see that I don’t get in trouble. He needs it in writing from Helen whether or not she thinks I need further mental health treatment or meds. They took my freedom, but they aren’t getting my body, too. No way are they going to force me to take drugs and I don’t care what any court says. Even I have to put my foot down at times and have a little say in my own life/body.

A part of me still has a nagging feeling that says we’re stupid to stick around, but you know Tom – always eager to do the right thing. Yeah well, what do you do when you cooperate with the law, but it doesn’t cooperate with you? No normal human being could go through what I went through without being skeptical and paranoid of anyone connected to law enforcement. Until and if proven different, anyone in the system is a potential enemy as far as I’m concerned.

Maybe I’m just being paranoid, as I said. This is standard procedure he’s following, so I shouldn’t assume that just because unfair things have already happened they’re going to want to dope me up, too. And I still intend to put my foot down when the job issue is brought up. I did mention writing a book, but he didn’t comment or question it. I said this as we were entering my office.

Anyway, since I couldn’t get through to Helen (her area code changed) I left Tom a message at work. He later called to tell me he left Helen a message. She needs to step on it before I get thrown back in jail on account of her. She should’ve gotten the mail to Scot by now. So Tom told her what was needed and all I can do is hope for the best. It wouldn’t be fair for me to have to go to jail because of her, but I know not to pray to God for help on that one. Not in his grand unfair world so obviously designed to be the way it is!

Anyway, Scot came in with one of those fucking forms for me to fill out regarding general info. He saw most of the house, minus the retreat and closets. This stupid idiot put the stubborn bottles in the pail and he got the wrong idea for a minute there or at least a little suspicious. As much as I hate to have to explain myself to anybody, I told him that I don’t bother with bottles with stubborn labels that just won’t come off. I’ll be sure never to put the bad bottles there again, though!

One of the things that made me nervous about his visit, though I did my best to hide it, was his own nervousness. Or so it seemed, anyway. He seemed very antsy and like he couldn’t stand to look me in the eye. I don’t know if I was intimidating him in any way, if he was just nervous about being in a stranger’s house he’s never been in before, or if he was hiding something. His reassuring me that he was just trying to keep me out of trouble was rather unnerving to me. I learned that it’s those who say stuff like that and tell me everything’s going to be OK that turn out to be liars.