Someone’s definitely living in Dan’s now. There were about 3 lights on last night and one of them was turned off just after 10:00. Well, unless she had the night off, it wasn’t Teddy Bear. I think it’s Dan. Especially if his last name, Dadlow, is still on the mailbox. I think that at the same time he bought a new house, he bought a new vehicle and that’s why it’s been quiet as far as engine gunning goes, along with the fact that it’s a bit hot to sit outside gunning engines. I think it’s been quiet music-wise because it’s been too hot to open the windows to let others hear it. I think he sold his Indiana house and that’s why he’s here at this time of year. It’s certainly too quiet to be freeloaders and I don’t see how they could afford a new home, anyway, even if this is one of the smallest and probably cheapest models they have. It’s no doubt a cookie-cutter that was used as a model on display in their lot in the center of town. I’m sure he bought the new house with the money from the sale of his Indiana place. I’ll have to look for patterns to get a sense of when the lights go out and how often.

Last night I was missing my other love, my second love, so bad I was nearly in tears. Hour after hour, day after day, this woman is on my mind. I can’t get her off of it! Although it’s a wonderful feeling falling in love with someone, a part of me wishes it never happened. It’d be easier if it hadn’t, but it did, so obviously it was meant to be. Sorry, Teddy Bear! I didn’t mean to fall for you. You were only supposed to turn me on, not steal my heart! I just don’t know what it is with her. If my type’s usually feminine and Spanish, Indian, Asian, and even Italian in some cases, then what is it with this dyky, 5’ 10”, 200-pound redhead with acne? I guess it’s just her winning personality, I don’t know. All I know is I miss her, and – ich liebe dich, Teddy Bear!

One by one the babies from batch number 2 are dying. I guess that because the Gray Lady’s in such shit shape, that’s why the babies aren’t making it. There started off with 9 babies and now there’s only 1 left.

Later…

It’s Dan. It has to be. No, I don’t hear any music or engine gunning, but the lighting patterns are a dead giveaway. Quite often, after the sun set and the temperature cooled down a bit, he’d have his back door open and the carport all lit up. The fact that he never had the old place hauled away tells me it’s him too, along with the fact that there was never a ‘sold’ sign and that his name remained on the box. He’s better than blacks or Mexicans, but I’d have preferred my Teddy Bear! Maybe this is a good thing. Maybe she’ll still want to eventually move into this area if she doesn’t before I see her again, and she can live on this land. Wouldn’t that be convenient?! Seems too good to be true, though. I just can’t see it. But that’s what I said about other things, and as I’ve learned - sometimes the things we fantasize about really do become a reality! It just sucks that I have to wait another 310 days to find out for sure just what happens next!

Woke up at 114 pounds today, the lowest I’ve been since coming home. About 5 days ago, all of a sudden and quite miraculously, I quit being hungry all the time. I’m stuck for it, though, and I know I’ll be back to around 120. I always end up back there.

I was thinking about Tom and our relationship. Again, the love continues to grow with time, but it’s just not new and exciting like it would be with Teddy Bear till she too, was no longer new and exciting. I want to explore new horizons with Teddy Bear, but I don’t want to give up what’s comfortable. Meaning I don’t have to worry about explaining myself to Teddy Bear so she knows and understands me or having to deal with things like my not being able to sleep with her. But with Tom, he knows I can’t sleep with him, is OK with it, and as far as I’m concerned – why should I give up someone who accepts me as I am and who knows/understands me inside and out? The good thing about having Teddy Bear as a side dish and not full-time is that it’ll keep things special for longer. If we saw each other every day and even lived with each other, then the flame would die faster.

I wonder, though, just how accurate are my vibes/logic as far as what the future holds for her and me. Will we really ever even see each other again? Will it be intimate? Will she be OK with it? Could I be wrong about assuming she couldn’t fall in love with me and wouldn’t want me full-time anyway? I know I’ve been wrong before, but so far, she seems so accepting of me and my life as it is that I think she’ll be OK with it. It’s not like she didn’t know about Tom up front. If he was a problem for her, I doubt she’d have shown any interest in me back, after I let her know I was interested in her.

Because my printer’s out of ink, and because Tom hasn’t picked up the new printer he mentioned getting that’s refurbished and supposedly more efficient, he hooked an old dot matrix up to my computer that Mary had given him.