Three days in a row of being out and having appointments was starting to drive me crazy! I was beginning to feel like I’d feel in jail - smothered by too many people and too little space.

Helen says I’m making great progress with the anger and doing better each time she sees me. You’d think, as I told her, that I should be fuming every minute of every day after what these freeloaders put me through, but I guess that all the good I got out of it is what keeps me from doing that. Besides, I spent so much time fuming, that I’m nearly all fumed out. There’s hardly any left in me, but don’t be fooled. If I could legally find, kidnap and torture that bitch and her boy toy, I wouldn’t hesitate. She’d stay with me as her master for 6 months, the very same amount of time I was held hostage before I let her go, and believe me, nothing good would come of it for her. She’d be leaving scarred and traumatized beyond help.

When Scot stopped by yesterday at noon, he was much more relaxed. He was in and out real fast, never going in any of the enclosed rooms, and not even asking me all of the usual questions that are part of a script they follow. They usually ask if there are any changes, any police contact, or any problems with drugs/alcohol, but he only asked me if there were any changes.

He gave me a good suggestion which I called and left a message for Helen about. He suggested having her give me a note to take to the mental health screening. Hopefully, this will keep them from bugging me for another appointment, if they see I’m already working with someone.

He asked me if I had any idea how long I’d need to see Helen, but I have no idea. Technically, I don’t need to see her ever again. I think she’s already offered any help she could possibly offer me. Especially by enlightening me with the possibility that Tom wasn’t deliberately holding back, but I still sense deep down there was a fear of making a kid. Not so much because he didn’t want to have to deal with it, but because he doubted my ability to deal with it, even though he said he felt I could handle it.

I think I’ll see her a few more times, then we’ll be done. It’ll save us money, too.

It was kind of funny because we got to talking for an hour and a half. A half-hour into the next lady’s appointment. I told Helen to be glad it wasn’t me waiting on her like that, or else I’d be as pissed as I was the day I first met her!

After Helen’s, we went to the pet store. We can’t afford the cage yet, thanks to the freeloaders, but we did get a couple of wooden burrows for the mice, some food, and a new guinea pig! Yeah, I kind of miss having them around even though they’re not very playful. They don’t do anything. They just sit there, but they’re so cuddly, unlike rats who just want to run around and play, and they sure make neat sounds, although this one hasn’t squealed yet. For the first few days, guinea pigs lay low. It’s a female pig that costs $16. She’s black with one white paw and a white stripe on one side that looks painted on. She’s still velvety soft because she’s not fully grown. She has a regular GP nose and not a pug nose like Velvet had. She’s pretty timid so far. Especially compared to a rat. Rats, though, are still my number one. They’ll always be my favorite.

I deleted the mice, except for Gizzy the house mouse, from my pet chart. I decided not to bother keeping mouse records, other than in this journal. Speaking of which, I got a good look at the babies today, who are just sprouting their fur. I see Skunkhead in them. Instead of having mostly solids, I’ve got mostly markings in this case. I’ll get a better look at them tomorrow when I go to clean their cages.

Saw the ear specialist yesterday and was there for two fucking hours! Specialists are terrible in that way. First we saw the doctor, who’s kind of old. Like in his 60s. He’s an ugly geek, too. He cleaned the canal out which was totally loaded with dead skin. There were huge chunks of it he pulled out. He said he wants to see me every 6 months. Then he had a mold made for that ear to keep water out when showering or swimming, but of course, I’ll never wear the damn thing. It was made out of silicone rubber. I also had a hearing test done, too.

Still haven’t heard from Mary. My guess is that she either decided to dump me for some reason, got extradited and lost my address, or someone’s been interfering with our mail. But I don’t know whose mail is being intercepted if that’s the case. My mail to her? Hers to me? Both?

Tom got me a new electronic reader to read my journals when I proofread them. It’s good to hear it as well as see it. This reader is a little more convenient to use than my old one.

He also got me a dictionary with Spanish, German, and Swedish. It’s nice to have that on the computer and to type in the word I want, rather than look it up in a book.

I’ve been having a serious mental block about working out. It’s just so discouraging knowing I can’t lose the fat without starving consistently. Then, even if I could, I’d still have to eat way below the average amount to keep it off, so I’d be very hungry either way. I’d have to work out for hours every day in order to consume 1500-2000 calories a day without gaining whatever weight I lost.

Another reason I’m having trouble bringing myself to work out, though I should settle for gaining muscle even if I can’t lose the fat, is because I fear that someone or something will come and undo all my hard work, forcing me to start all over again.