We've had more rain in the last two days than we have since last spring. It's a welcome change, although I can understand how people accustomed to cold, damp, rainy weather most of the time might find it dreary and tiresome. It's not quite like the warm, summer rain you experience in tropical locales or during the desert's monsoon season.

A disappointing revelation from Tom this morning was that they were still blowing leaves along the perimeter even while it was raining. I had no idea they could do that. I inquired if they could still mow, as Andy mentioned they mow wet lawns there. Tom said it would depend on how wet it was. This news is disheartening. So much for relying on the rain to spare me from the daily landscaping cacophony. I really hope it returns to just a few times a week soon enough. The noise from car doors and traffic can be distracting enough as it is. I'm grateful to be on nights now, whereas before, I always preferred to be on days if possible. At this point, I'd rather stay on nights.

Since Alison stumbled upon my Prosebox account by accident, even though I used a username I've never used before, I'm certain I made the right decision by making my current book accessible only to members. This way, if anyone I don't particularly like discovers it, they won't be able to read beyond July when we moved in here. I'm posting essentially the same content on Blogger and MD, but this allows me to freely express my frustrations about those I despise without giving them the negative attention they crave. I can also voice any suspicions I have about people I'm connected to but not overly close to. If I'm close enough to them, I can simply approach them directly if I want to address any concerns.

So yes, trolls could find my account there, and yes, the owner plans to let Google index public blogs. But for now, the only blog they know about that I'm still using is Blogger.

For instance, this paragraph will only appear on Prosebox, and I want to mention that while Kim may not be as eager to leave anonymous comments on Ask, and she might still be hesitant to reveal herself on Blogger, she must be reading my tweets. Aly received an email alert for her latest of dozens of accounts, so I blocked it. I know she'll just follow me from another account, but why make it easy for the troubled individual? She's already blocked Aly. As if Aly cares? *rolls eyes* Trolls. Who can understand them? Kim may hide her identity, but I'll know if and when Molly finds me. She enjoys appearing on my tracker, almost as if she relishes thrusting her unwelcome presence in my face. She still checks blogs I no longer even use.

If I've ever had a weakness, it's been the compulsion to air out my grievances. Then again, maybe it's not necessarily a "weakness," but rather just a part of who I am. I prefer to address issues directly whenever possible. So I sent Maliheh a brief email asking, "If I said I was dying of cancer, would you care, or would you still consider me a 'mission' accomplished?"

As expected, I received no response. I encoded this message because I was curious to see if she would pick up on it. She did. She hit my tracker several hours later, but I realized it was because she accessed her messages and mine would be toward the top. Once it's pushed toward the bottom, TIP won't pick her up unless she opens the message.

Why she's reading and saving my emails after breaking up with me is beyond me. All I can think of is that she's hoping I'll say something incriminating. If she were genuinely interested in what I had to say, why wouldn't she follow my blog, too? Unless she's doing it anonymously, she's not following me any more than the individual from AZ. She's simply hoping to gather "evidence" that the spiteful, vindictive person can use against me, much like the individual from CT hoped to. So any future messages I send will have to be worded carefully and sparingly.

Later...

Since Ask and Blogger are public sites, I've decided to let those posts shared on Facebook be public unless someone "likes" or comments on them. If they do, since I just can't seem to get people to stop liking and commenting on my public posts, I'll make them friends only.

As most people who know me are aware, Tom spent six months tirelessly filling out job applications to no avail. When the government callously cut off our unemployment benefits before he found a job, we felt so desperate that we contemplated ending our lives to spare ourselves from a slow, agonizing decline on the streets. We're too old for that kind of hardship, and I, for one, couldn't handle life on the streets even when I was young. I'm simply not cut out for that lifestyle, and yes, I've come to despise a higher power for either directly subjecting us to suffering or permitting it to happen as if we hadn't already endured enough hardship.

At the very last minute, Tom not only landed a job, but it was one he hadn't even applied for. Instead, someone came across his résumé online. Meanwhile, Andy claimed he's the one who secured Tom's job after praying in the final hour to prevent losing another friend to suicide. He believes it was divine intervention that got Tom the job. If his belief is accurate, then who or what was trying to bring harm to us? It certainly seemed like something was determined to lead us toward our demise, though it's difficult to reconcile the idea that the same force that saved us was the one attempting to harm us. Do I believe there was a malevolent force pushing us toward death? Absolutely. Do I also believe something otherworldly intervened due to the timing being an incredible coincidence? Absolutely. I just can't determine what that force was. Prayer has never yielded much for me, but perhaps, just like there are individuals who never experience dream premonitions, there are those who can make prayer work for them. No, I didn't pray for a million dollars, in case you're wondering. I genuinely kept my prayers modest, fair, and reasonable. Maybe it's all about who God favors. Perhaps He saved us because He favors Andy but not because He cares about Tom and me. If that's the case, then I hope Andy remains on His good side because I've felt nothing but disdain and estrangement from Him throughout most of my life. As for me, I'll never forgive Him for at least permitting so many atrocities to befall me.

Speaking of prayer, I had a dream where I was out and about somewhere, and my purse was missing. I prayed that I would find it. I then entered a room and saw it sitting on a table. Excitedly, I rushed toward it, thinking, "I can't wait to tell Andy that God answered one of my prayers, too!" But when I grabbed the purse, I found it completely empty. It sort of dampens the excitement when you've still been deprived of what's most important.

They say that whatever doesn't kill us makes us stronger, but I'm not so sure about that. I believe it's more accurate to say that difficult times may make us wiser, but they can also make us more fragile and anxious. Instead of instilling strength in me, it has left me with memories that I'll have to carry forever. Oh, it's certainly heightened my appreciation for the good times, but it's also contributed to my paranoia in some respects, leading me to spend too much time worrying that the past will come back to haunt me.

So, is Nane ignoring me? I feel comfortable mentioning it here because I'm certain she would never create an account here. Ever since I shared pictures with her showing the weight I've gained and my haircut, which she didn't like, it seems I'm hearing less and less from her. First, she said she was unwell, and then she mentioned covering for a colleague who was on vacation or something along those lines, yet I know she's been active on Facebook.

Although I can't recall the specifics, my parents appeared in several dreams once again. It seems that in most dreams where they're still alive, I don't seem to know Tom, and I'm living with them.