Tom made Employee of the Month! He doesn’t know what his reward is going to be yet but he should find out today. I’m sure that whatever it is will be a lot less than he actually deserves. He has come to realize that there’s no hope of moving up anymore at this place unless he agrees to travel and that’s something that he would never want to do even if he was single. The most important thing is that we have more than enough money to live on. He makes more than we need and we no longer live paycheck to paycheck. After the hell we went through in the past, that is plenty good enough for us. So he isn’t going to look elsewhere at this time. 

When I was logging into my Ask account I got a pop-up saying that I repeatedly violated their TOS and that I need to stop immediately or else my account will be suspended. What TOS am I supposedly violating??? 

Tomorrow I have to go to the dentist for the first time in about a year. I’m guessing I have three cavities. I’m going to ask her about getting my bottom retainer removed. I’m also going to ask her about sealing my teeth since I am so prone to cavities no matter what I do. 

Woke up several times during the night as I always do, but this time it wasn’t with back pain so that’s good. 

Not much in the way of dreams that I can remember. I know I had a lot more dreams than I’m able to remember. It’s like there are scattered bits and pieces that are just barely within the realm of my memory. But I just can’t quite grasp them. It seems I was at the beach in one dream. 

Nicer weather means more Bob. I can hear him bopping around the garage more often. Those subtle little sounds are easy enough to drown out, but I dread the day he breaks out that damn saw of his once again. And his hammer, and his sledgehammer, and his sander, and all the other shit that he uses as instruments of torture against my peace when I’m trying to concentrate on things. 

Later… 

I have been searching and searching my brain for story ideas but I just can't come up with anything. Therefore, I guess I might as well write about nonfiction instead. How about Maliheh? Ever since I had that dream about breaking into her place she has been on my mind. I keep racking my brains as to why she dropped out of my life without a single word as to why, and all I can think of are three possibilities. 

What I don't get is why she didn't have the guts to tell me in her own words whatever it was. It’s not like her to be a wimp like that. The Maliheh that I briefly knew was very outspoken and not afraid to speak her mind. For some reason, however, she must have been afraid of me in the end because the blunt, direct Maliheh who always had the guts to speak up for herself failed to utter a word on her way out of my life. 

Again, I can only think of three possibilities as to why. All of them make sense but they don't make sense at the same time they make sense, if that makes any sense, LOL. My first guess is that she befriended me under false pretenses, wanting to get her name out of my story. But then the more I thought about it the more I realized she never needed to falsely befriend me since all she had to do was ask. Her being my friend or not being my friend would not have changed whether or not I was going to use her name in my story. She asked me to change the name of the character that was based on her and I did. I still would have done this even if she said, “I don't want a friendship with you… I don't ever want to talk to you again after I tell you this… I just want you to not use my name in your story.” 

That's all she needed to do. So now that befriending me just to get her name out of the story fails to make sense after thinking that it does make sense, this brings me to my next theory. Maybe she grew uncomfortable with the idea of knowing that I was attracted to her. But then again, that one doesn't make sense either. If my attraction for her really bothered her, why would she have been my friend for as long as she was? Who the hell is friends with somebody for two years who is oh so uncomfortable with knowing that the person has this harmless little crush on them? 

And so that brought me to theory number three. This one – after analyzing it many different ways – makes the most sense of all. Only she knows the truth, and I will never know it too unless she contacts me and shares it with me. Then again, even if she did, there's no trust there anymore. She killed whatever trust we had built up by dumping me like she did. So no matter what she says, I'm not going to buy it. But here goes anyway… I think she came to have feelings for me which increased more and more over the months and it eventually got to be too much for her. She knew we never would or could be together and that we probably would never even see each other and so I think that once she realized the cyber relationship wasn't enough for her, she finally let go for good. This one makes more sense than an increasing discomfort of my being attracted to her. I think that she started off not having any feelings for me, but that they increased over time. It is much more likely for somebody's feelings to increase over time than for them to experience a growing feeling of discomfort over somebody liking them. Not unless the person started doing things to make them uneasy, anyway, and what could I have done… drive cross country and start following her? The way I treated her never changed from the time we first started talking in 2010 to when she dropped out of my life. So that's why I don't think I made her uncomfortable in any way or that it was anything that I said or did. I think it was all on her and that she just couldn't control or deal with her own personal feelings. I just don't understand why she didn't tell me this on her way out of my life. What did she think I would do to her for it, throw darts at her all the way from California? 

Even if I may not believe what she tells me, I would still really love to hear an explanation from her just out of sheer curiosity. Then she can go about her merry way again because I definitely would never want to be friends with her again in the future. Again, no trust there.