Forgot to mention yesterday that I finally beat him at golf. It was only by one stroke, but I never thought I’d see the day. Then again, the more you do something, the more you improve. Usually, that’s the case anyway.

Andy’s back to annoying me with the celeb/black shit. I learned a couple of things a long time ago, though. You can’t change people’s minds just by sharing your own POV. Secondly, asking him to stop something does me no good most of the time. I’m learning more and more that it’s best to just ignore annoying people. If it was constantly in my face, that would be different. I don’t know if he just wants to annoy me and gets off on it or what, but I’ve told him enough times that I’m not into celebrities. Plus, he knows we have different opinions where blacks are concerned. It’s a no-brainer. There’s no real mystery here. So why he wants to keep sending me memes related to the Smith/Rock incident at the Oscars is beyond me.

Having a blah night. Totally wish I could snap my fingers and have it be daytime and us on the beach. I have a feeling that would turn off this feeling pretty quickly. Wish I could at least go out and sit on a dock over some canal or something like what my parents had for a while. Part of me is still tempted to run to a shrink, but what could she do for me??? Give me drugs I couldn’t handle. I still have no reason not to believe this isn’t going to be an issue on and off for the rest of my life, so I really have to learn to live with it or end it all. I still plan to give it till I’m 60.

I promised myself a long time ago that I would never give in to delusions and brainwash myself into believing there was a God who loved me and was looking out for me as a means of coping. None of that feel-good shit. Then again, if it would help me, why not? Even if I was kidding myself; if I could make myself believe that this story truly had an ending to it other than death, why not? Why not give myself hope, no matter how false it may be? If I could just tell myself, it’s only until I get adjusted to the new dose and until my hormones fully settle in, and then everything will be fine, and make myself believe it while I was at it, why the hell not?

I dropped the soundproof blanket down by the open side of the bed and covered most of it. Slept with the nature sound up a little louder and added an earplug and no thunder woke me up. Tom said on a scale of 1 to 10, the thunder was a 6 and there were several sessions of it too.