Message I sent Jess that I thought would make a good entry…I struggle with, well, just being normal. OK, so I know that being normal is overrated at times and that some people wish they weren’t oh-so normal, but sometimes being different gets old too.

I can’t take the full amount of thyroid medication my body needs and I don’t know that I ever will. I can’t treat my high cholesterol and therefore I may never reach an advanced age. I can’t sleep at night every night. I have a driving phobia I never could conquer. I have a deformed ear that looks worse than it did before they dismantled the frame and drilled the canal in 1995 to make sure I didn’t have a tumor when I complained of discomfort (turns out it was the frame and skin that couldn’t shed itself that was trapped inside).

I have a husband I love dearly and wouldn’t trade for the world but had a low appetite and could never perform normally and therefore I had a joke of a sex life back when I had an actual libido before menopause. Although it worked out for the best in the end, I couldn’t conceive when I wanted to because of the DES I was exposed to in utero (a drug mothers at risk of miscarriage were given back in the '60s). I’ve always believed that a woman should have the right to choose to have a child as well as not to.

But I was denied that and other basic human rights. At least it sure feels like that at times. I don’t know if it’s happenstance or something up there that singled me out and decided to pick on me, but it does suck at times when you’re so unique in a lot of ways. I just try to remind myself that on the flip side, most people will never have someone who loves, gets, and accepts them as they are as I do. I can learn almost any language I want. I’ve written over 50 novels even if some of them are short stories. I got to be a pretty good singer, even though I haven’t had any interest in music in centuries. I learn quickly and can teach myself almost anything. I have been said to be very intelligent in the things I remember, notice, and figure out on my own as long as I stay away from numbers, LOL.

Also, while I would have preferred a career of some kind, at least I never had to worry about evil bosses or coworkers. Nor did we have to deal with the hassles of two vehicles. Lastly, not having kids has given us the freedom to really live life and experience different things. So I’m kind of caught in a tug of war. I’m glad things worked out the way they did, but I hate not having more freedom of choice. When a person has no freedom or the ability to choose things that greatly impact them, it really sucks.

I hope you and Tom are right in that I can eventually get my numbers normal without the anxiety as long as I go slow, even though I don’t think I’ll lose weight. No amount of busyness can get a pound to budge with me LOL. It’s OK though. I know I would be healthier if I lost a little, but I spent most of my youth skinny, I had my skinny days, so I don’t mind spending the rest of it on the fat side. Most older mammals pack on weight with age anyway.