Boy, sometimes I really feel like a complete waste product. Not only is the past depressing to think about, but the future is, too. The future is depressing and a bit scary. If I never become a singer or have a child or a woman (first best), what will my life be about? Will I be on SS forever?

I know I’ll never have the last two things up above in my last paragraph, as I know the difference between fantasy and a vision. For example, when I think of a woman, it’s a fantasy cuz I know it’s not meant to be.

As far as singing goes, I know it’d be easier to say “fuck it” and settle for some stupid job I hate. I feel helpless and like I’ll never get anywhere with it but the vision just won’t go away. When I picture myself as a singer, performing, rehearsals, traveling, studios, interviews, and Grammys, it just seems so real and so natural. I’m already 25 now and I feel like my voice isn’t a gift I can use. It’s more like a curse and a tease to me now even though I’d never stop singing. Could I ever make it by being poor, anti-drugs, and by having no car, no money, no sex, and with all the fears and lack of trust I have in people?

I know these bands, Free Press and Radiators, will never call me. If they did, they’d turn me down cuz I have no car, no experience, or maybe not the type of singer or person they’re looking for. Like I said before, some people get everything or some things they want, but I’ve never been granted one wish. I mean a major wish. A wish that really really matters. Yes, I have made more personal growth than I expected. Yes, I have gotten more of a voice and other abilities than I expected. Yes, I’ve moved to a great apartment in a nice town, but should I give up? Is it now really time to give in to a job I hate? A nothing-nobody job?