I’ve read back in my first few journals and I’ve found not only that I’ve changed so much (I already knew that), but I’m not as good at spelling as I thought. Also, my poor punctuation which I still never bother to do correctly. What I noticed, most importantly of all is the lack of detail pertaining to certain events, people or places. An example is that in my first book, the first thing I mentioned about Nervous was, “Nervous is coming over soon.” I never wrote about how we met, where, who and what he is. How he got his nickname, although, that’s quite obvious after reading not even one page about him.

What I’m now gonna do is go back over the basics of life since I moved out on my own. That was December 3rd, 1985, the day before I turned 20. I’ll run through it as briefly as possible, but with all the essential details. It’ll be quite fun and adventurous even though I’d never want to relive it. It’ll make me laugh but that’s good that it makes me laugh as a reminder of how far I’ve come in life. How much I’ve grown and learned due to experience and of course my 6th sense. As, you know, I’ve been a victim of everything except child molestation as a kid, my parents weren’t alkies or druggies and neither was I. I, of course, experimented till that time I tripped.

Some of these people have been friends, lovers, neighbors or roommates. No person I’ve slept with whether it’s been for only 1 night has been left out, but many names of non-importance have been omitted.

I think it was around February of 1985 when I was hired at the Harley Hotel as a housekeeper. I’ve had other jobs which I’ve quit. As I’ve mentioned before, I’m sick of second best.

On December 3rd of 1985, the day before I turned 20, I moved out on my own to the first floor of Locust St. I still worked at the Harley where 2-3 months later, I took in a 17-year-old girl named Michelle L. She wanted out of her home fast as she says she was molested by her father. We got along ok till she met my brother Larry. It started as Larry and I having problems and him getting in the way of Michelle and I having a good friendship. He also was cheating on his wife Sandy with Michelle. Finally, I just wanted to be alone and in order to get rid of him, I had to get rid of her. She went to live with Larry and Sandy.

Shortly after I moved upstairs, around the corner on Woodside with the same landlords, I never saw them again. A few months after I kicked Michelle out, I was fired from the Harley. After suppressing my past, the impact of my past finally caught up with me. It all came out and very very hard and got in the way of my job.

A few months later, Dad got me on SS and SSI and got a back payment of $6,100. According to my dad, my disability checks were terminated when I was 18 and they shouldn’t have been. Of course, Dad lies by telling me it’s cuz of my ear. Even back then, when I was gullible, I knew it was cuz I’m supposed to be a nut head. An unbalanced joke of society. In a way I was, but my version of that is different than theirs.

I don’t know the exact date. All I know is it was late May of 1986 when someone began to knock on my bedroom window very late at night. I believe my brother was behind it. At first, I was scared, then I became furious. One night I vowed not to give this bastard the reaction he wanted and due to becoming so mad with fury, I planned to wait outside my bedroom window just before what would’ve been his third visit. I think it was his third. Anyway, right after the first incident with this sicko, I told Larry and John, the brothers who owned the building at the time, who had an apartment available on the 4th floor around the corner. I freaked when I saw it. It was so big and so much nicer, I had to have it.

Even though I forgot about the visit with the sicko and moved up right away, I knew from now on I’d never cower down to anyone again. I learned if you show fear to any kind of troublemaker or be naïve or vulnerable, you’ll be taken advantage of. So, I moved up there and Jenny, Jim and a friend of Jim’s helped.

Right after that, I met Nancy H next door. I also had met Emily B who lived down the street in a building also owned by the same brothers. Also, I became friends with an old couple on the 2nd floor, Jo and Eddy L. Jo was always sweet and sincere, but Eddy went out of his mind due to Alzheimer’s disease. I met a girl named Mary C, a few buildings down who had a young son. Whenever I could, I helped her out with food or by giving her things I didn’t want or need.

Jenny and I were friends since I was 9 and she was 10. Jim was her boyfriend.

I had discussed my being gay with only my brother and my therapist at this time, but wouldn’t act on it for a while. I was too young to know about gay bars and all the other stuff I know now. All I knew was that I had always been attracted to women, but would take whatever I could get for a while. Jenny also told me her sister Robin was gay and I found out Shelly R was too. Shelly’s the daughter of my mom’s best friend Charlotte. They go back way before Larry was even born.

I met Ron M in July of 1986. He was ok at first then changed as most people do. He was never brutal as he knew just what I’d do to people like that and he was patient in bed. The sex was boring and all the while he was “down there” I’d continue to fantasize about women. It took 3 months or so before he could get inside me without pain and he was small, too. Only 4” hard. His goal was to be married and have kids and when we went over to my parent’s house and he told them he wanted to marry me, I was shocked they didn’t say anything against it. I’m not shocked they told me to wait 5-10 years before I got pregnant and to get it medically approved. That was their way of saying, “You’re not rich and you’re not good enough to be a mother.” Of course, to them, money’s the number one thing. Not love. And they had said, “Do you want your kids to have the same problems you do? Or have no ear too?”

I said, “First of all, my kid won’t have the same problem cuz they won’t be raised the way you raised me. Also, I checked with a doctor and this ear bit is bullshit. You guys never had a missing ear. You were born with two normal ears. Yet you produced a child with a missing ear.”

This was around my 21st birthday and Dad said if we still felt the same by his birthday, April 5th, he’d set something up. Something small, they said, so we could be given the money that would’ve been spent on a big wedding. Mom said Tammy got a big wedding cuz Bill already had a home for them and a good job. Tammy, in some ways, was more screwed up than me, but could always get men with houses and money. 98% of the people I meet, males or females, are broke.

By the end of January, Ron and I were finished. He was just too immature, flaky, naïve, impractical, possessive and pushy. He was into pot and booze too which I was finished with. He may have cheated on me, but I doubt he did. I called Mom, told her why I kicked him out and laid it out on the line right then and there about being gay.

Later...

Just to quickly update you, I’m doing laundry now and had a nice chat with Steve on the phone last night. I guess he’ll be up this Saturday.

Other than that nothing’s really new. I’ve pretty much maintained a day schedule for the last week or so. However, I think I’ll be up most of the night. I was up till 6 AM yesterday but I got up at noon so that wasn’t too bad. No, actually I think it was 5 AM but that’s enough sleep, usually.

Now, let me go stop my VCR, get a cigarette, then I’ll continue with what I began last night.