Some of the stuff I’m gonna mention I probably already have, but I’m just gonna make sure I’m thorough.

This whole entire house has never looked better than it does now. Just about everything in the back room is in place and organized. I recently went through all our papers and filed them in the file box. I put all the computer disks in one box and tidied up odds and ends. Yesterday we both did lots of laundry during our busy day of drilling the hole in the wall, wiring and weeding.

For the longest time, there was a thick wire strung from the living room, across the living room/kitchen doorway, through the hall, past the bathroom, and into Tom’s room. That’s all gone now as Tom has cable and a phone in his room. This will sure make vacuuming a lot easier. So far, the cable and phone are working in his room. We’re gonna fix one of the 19” TVs so I can have that in my room. Lastly, he’ll do the phones in the back room and the living room. We’ll probably end up with two phones in the living room, one in my room and one in the back room. There’s one computer line, too. He said he’s not sure yet what and how he’s gonna go about doing the audio and video wires.

I just got through to that radio station and they’re gonna play that song for me that I haven’t heard in years and have been dying to have on tape.

Yesterday we made the beds and today I went through all his clothes. He has a dresser with 4 drawers and on top, I put his underwear, socks, bathing suit, and long pants. The second drawer has his shorts and about 5 shirts.

I made a pile, as he asked me to, of clothes that looked stained or too worn out. This consists of socks, underwear, shirts and a pair of shorts. He’s gonna go through that and he can decide what to do with it.

I may or may not have mentioned this, but he went over to his parent’s house yesterday and she gave me 4 cookies she baked that she knew Tom didn’t like. They were pretty good.

She also had a gift there for us from his brother Steven and his family in CA. It was a book of 3-D images, and believe it or not, I can see them! Some of them I can see instantly. She also gave Tom a puzzle of horses.

OK, so now I think I’ve got every day before today all updated.

I called Larry today as it’s his 41st birthday and we had a good talk. We didn’t discuss it, but he got my letter about Jenny. Obviously, he understood, just like I understand where he’s coming from as far as the stuff he’s told me. He knows that other than my journals, Tom and Andy I won’t say anything we talked about to Tammy or to mom and dad. I also know that whatever I tell him is safe with him. There are 3 things I know he’s always been good at from what I could always see, regardless of if we were in contact or not. 1. He can keep a secret. 2. He’s a dependable hard worker. 3. A good father. When I told him that if we ever have a kid, I hoped to be as good of a mother as he is a father, he said, “Thank you.”

Anyway, the things me and Tammy say about him won’t get back to him and the things me and Larry say about her won’t get back to her. Despite the fact that Tammy’s been more positive towards me for the last few years, I had to laugh about some of the things Larry said about her cuz they’re so true. I’ve always felt that Tammy was a lousy mom, cuz of her moods and temper, but I’ve never told her this. It’s not my place to and it wouldn’t change things. Anyway, Larry said he wasn’t surprised that Tammy’s a lot like mom was and that he remembers her hitting one of them (probably Lisa) at his house. If I’m remembering right, the last time they saw each other was before she met Bill. Or actually, it was in 1989 for the unveiling of Nana and Pa’s gravestones. Bill was probably there with her, but Becky and Sarah weren’t born yet.

Anyway, he said that Tammy did something very bad to both of them. I’m not sure specifically what he’s talking about and I didn’t ask. When he said that even Sandy won’t forgive her and doesn’t want to talk to her, I knew they had to feel it was quite serious, heavy-duty shit. You see, Sandy’s so passive and easygoing. She’s always been a really sweet, friendly person. I can’t picture her ever going off or saying the word damn, let alone the words shit, fuck or asshole. It takes a lot for her to turn against anyone. He said he’s standing by his wife’s feelings and isn’t about to say, “Hey, this is my sister. You have to do this.” That’s cool, just like Tom and I can compromise. He won’t tell me I can’t see someone he doesn’t like and play daddy, but I’ll see that person away from here or when he’s working or asleep. He said if they do go see her it’ll be for two reasons. To make mom and dad happy, and to have something to laugh about. He respects Dad’s feelings more than Mom’s.

He says while he feels sorry that Bill’s got cancer and wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy, he doesn’t know the guy and knows that if he goes down there, she’s just gonna be phony and pretend to be Mother of the Year while sucking up their sympathy, saying she’s changed. I hate to say this, but yes, I can honestly see that. She’s always been such a major hypochondriac.

He said that he’s sure that if he gives her his number she’ll call every 10 minutes. Yeah, I can see that too, but only with him. This is just cuz she’s very desperate to see him and I can understand that. When he dumped me, it was like, oh well, I’m used to this and life goes on. However, it really hit her hard.

The part that cracked me up is when he said, “She could call me and I could put the phone down, get in my truck, go out and get some coffee and a donut, come back and she’ll still be there talking.”

Now, who do you suppose that reminds me of? Nervous, of course. I told him a little about him and how I called him collect from the beach, told him to hang on, listened to 7 songs and when I returned, he was still there waiting.

Anyway, it turns out that Tammy called Mom upset that she doesn’t have his number and then Ma called him about it. Larry just laid out his feelings about that and hopefully, Ma won’t bug him as I agree with what he said. You can’t make someone do something, and he still has to live his own life. I asked her not to let Tammy know that I’ve got his number so no one’s feelings get hurt when I called there to ask for the dates of Sandy’s and the kids’ birthdays. We chatted really quickly, but I’ll get into that after.

The DJ played that song for me and I, as well as others, have called requesting a song called One Tin Soldier, but he can’t find it. He says he’ll keep on looking for it. The other song I just got was Seasons in The Sun, but it’s not by Terry Jackson, it’s by Terry Jacks.

Anyway, back to my talk with Larry. He’s just taking it easy today. Everyone’s fine. I told him of our busy day yesterday and they said they added a sliding glass door and a deck off of the master bedroom, but the house needs some work. He says he has to redo the driveway. He’ll try to send me a picture of them. The weather’s 60º, but it’s damp, raw and rainy. That’s the usual January thaw they always have.

He told me a really funny joke: What do you get when you put a potato on a dick?

A dictator

I asked him where he’s getting all these jokes from and he said he hears them over the CB. He had a scanner on in there.

Anyway, that’s the bulk of our conversation, but if I remember anything else we discussed, I’ll jot it down.

I called mom and some woman answered, saying her name was Teresa. She’s obviously someone I’ve never met and she goes, “Your mom never told you anything about me?” but she knew who I was. I asked her how they met, and she said at some bar. I told her and Mom that at least she’s got a sense of humor.

Ma gave me their birthday dates and it goes like this: Larry’s August 2, Jenny’s February 4, and Sandy’s February 5.

Later…

After Tom and I screwed, and neither of us came, we had a discussion. Cuz I can only cum by him going down on me, I can somewhat relate to him. However, I told him I feel awfully guilty about his not cumming and that I feel he’s indirectly blaming me for it. He insisted there’s no one to blame and it’s his problem which he’s had before with others and that he really did cum that one time. I told him I have a mixture of feelings and questions about it. He says there is no subconscious underlying fear of having a kid, but he feels no urgency for it and that he’s got time. I had wondered if he was trying to force patience in me and I know he’s mentioned my getting pregnant in April and having it at the end of 1995 or the beginning of 1996. I still want to do whatever I can with my singing and hobbies, but I guess I figured there was no reason to wait.

Well, I may have been wrong when I swore that gay or straight I could never get a decent person and have a great relationship and about getting my foot in the door with my singing sometime in 1994, but I’ve also been right on lots of stuff. I was right when I knew in my gut and heart that it wasn’t meant for me to be with women as well as other stuff and I know I’m right when I say there isn’t ever gonna be a kid. Probably not even if he came in a big way every day. I know that the sooner I can accept that I’ll never have a kid, the better off I’ll be, but it’s not so easy to do. I know I can and will do it though. It’ll just take time. Just like it took time for me to accept the fact that I could never be with a woman, except for 1-niters, or the wrong types. I can’t make or force myself to get over it at the snap of my fingers, but when I think about the dark and realistic side of it, it helps. You know, all the shit you go through physically, mentally and financially.

I wonder what in the world Andy’s up to. He must really be working like crazy. It’s not too much like him, though, to not call for a few days. Also, I have the Lindsay Wagner movie I taped for him and I’m sure he’s fairly eager to see it.