I believe my life will be a whole lot easier if I just cut out food altogether. I’ll eat every now and then, I’ll eat on vacations, I’ll still walk a half-hour a day, but I can’t live my life watching every fucking bite I’ve taken. First of all, the regimen I’ve been on should have caused me to lose weight and I should’ve been back to around 100 pounds a while ago. However, I accepted the fact that for whatever reason, wacky thyroid or not, I couldn’t get below 115. Maybe that’s just how I am now. Just like one can’t help their height, there are some people, both fat and thin, that can’t help their weight. I’ll be damned, though, if I’m gonna live with a new long-term problem, though. For 18 years I fought with the cigarettes and their effects on me physically and on my emotions. Well, I’ll be damned if I’ll swap in one problem for a new one and let the food/weight bring me down for years, too, as it has been for months now. I don’t want to set myself free from watching what I eat by going back to eating whatever I want to and not worrying about it, because those days can never be again. I will gain a ton of weight if I do that. However, as we know, there are some things that change and that are inevitable and that are out of our control. There’s no easy way to keep my weight where it is, and I sure as hell couldn’t lose weight, but I can turn the other cheek on some things that have plagued me and been a problem. I was taught that if you have something that’s a problem - dump it if you can. Omit it from your life (like a woman would dump a problem male and like I dumped abusive family members). So that’s why I feel it’d be better if I just didn’t eat, rather than worry about what I ate and deal with the hunger and counting the hours till I could eat again. I can’t deal with that kind of slavery either. I’ll walk, I’ll drink, but I just can’t eat anymore. Food just totally brings me down. 

From the looks of the Caller ID box, Lisa tried to reach me yesterday. I hope she’s OK and that she gets her weight down because I know how much she wants to. I worry about her weight and Bill, though. If Bill got on her ass about weighing 130 pounds, then he’s surely gonna be cutting her down like hell about being 150 pounds.

I sent Tammy a letter, and as her sister, I felt it best to warn her of what I vibe, fear, feel, or whatever you want to call it. I told her I’d never try to persuade or suggest she like or dislike someone, but that whether or not she’s on good terms with the folks when they die - please don’t go to their funerals. I really see great potential for either extreme violence or even murder, should she, Larry, and Ronnie ever be in the same room together.

Ratsy seemed really depressed earlier. Even Tom noticed it. I switched water bottles since he seems to prefer roller balls to levers, so we’ll see if this perks him up. Maybe he was just kind of dehydrated.

I awoke at 117 pounds today, and since I shit yesterday, of course I’m stuck today. It’s no wonder I could never lose any weight. You can’t lose weight if you’re backed up in shit every other day.

Got some personalized stationery from the HS. They sent 5 sheets of stationery with little pictures of cats and dogs and with my name/address. And envelopes, too. I wrote/sent 2 sheets to Paula and 3 to Bob.

Bob must really be losing his mind. I had been sending Bob a few postcards Dureen and Art had sent, and according to Kim in her email to me, Bob thought they were from her. How fucking stupid can he be?! Didn’t he recognize my handwriting or see the Phoenix postmark?

I decided it was time again to play detective and browse the web to see what I could find on Gloria. It’s fun because one never knows what they’ll find. I found a few goodies - a few pictures and a boring screensaver, but I have it anyway. I found another picture that was in the bunch that Dureen stole. It’s nice to have these pictures back and I like them so much better on the computer, rather than the walls. They’re safe from tears on the computer, although I do have a few on the walls. The cool thing about it is that if a picture does tear, I can just reprint a new copy!

I saw a fascinating documentary on the Titanic. The big luxury cruise liner that went down in 1912. It hit an iceberg and is still 2½ miles underwater.

Tom didn’t have much more to say in regard to his class in Vegas. Just that it was mainly about changes in life and how to accept/handle them.

Later…

Guess we’ll be hearing from the bitch if she leaves at the same time she did yesterday morning. Yesterday morning, at 6:15, the freeloader bitch gave me 3 loud, hard, deliberate, obvious slams on its way out.

I have mixed feelings about going anywhere for Labor Day. At first I felt she wouldn’t party without him in the picture, but yes she will. The bitch still has her sick little gal pals and all their 10,000 kids. Everybody has to come to the bitch’s place for parties, so why not? And as an added bonus, they can all badger me. I’m curious to stick around to see if my strong party vibe rings true, but at the same time, I kind of want to get out of here because I don’t want to be invited to her fucking party. The last thing I want to do is sit around and listen to that bitch and her crony’s party. If they’re that fucked up that they feel they have to make a scene and get attention, that’s their problem. In the long run, though, I think that’s when my schedule will be on nights and I very well could be asleep throughout the late afternoon and early evening hours. But the question is - will these sick fucks let me sleep? Because if they don’t, I swear that bitch and her associates are out of here! Truthfully, though, I don’t see why I couldn’t sleep as long as I had the fan and music, of course, to blend in with their ball games and music, but things are different now than they were last Labor Day. They didn’t have two city letters complaining about them back then, so maybe, if they still feel such a need to be heard and noticed by me, their noise source will be mainly vocal.

Later...

I’m a pound heavier than I was when I got up. See, something’s gotta be going on, because although I did eat a little bit today, I didn’t even eat 1000 calories, and if you have 1000 calories or less, you’re supposed to lose weight. I shouldn’t be maintaining or gaining, but I am, so it must be for a reason and really meant to be. Maybe it’s just fluid that I accumulated since I got up, but all I know is that I never used to have this problem. I could gorge all day and be the same, or even less than when I woke up, so I’d still say that something’s gotta be going on that’s got to do with my metabolism or thyroid. Maybe, after I continue to eat so few calories and walk, I should go back to the doctor to find out why I can’t lose weight. Like I said, if I can’t lose weight, then I can’t lose weight and so be it, but couldn’t this end up being worse than just hanging at this plateau I can’t go beyond? This could be a sign of other problems to come, so we’ll see. Still, I know I should’ve lost more weight by now. No one should hold the same weight doing the walking that I’ve been doing, and by following the diet plan I’ve been following.