This must be the longest I’ve gone in between writing in a long time. A whole 4 days! That’s because (I’m trying to get out of the “cuz” habit and write properly). I’ve been busy as hell, but things have been great.

Most of what’s kept me tied up is the computer work I’ve been doing. I have only nine more journals to proofread! I told Tom to thank Mary for me for proofreading them. That’s the name of the lady’s voice I have my talking lips set to. There’s Mary, Mike, Brutus, Freddie, and variations of these voices.

I had Tom switch me back to Windows ‘95. Windows ‘98 sucks and even Tom agrees with me. I hate its sliding menus. Also, there’s no point in my being able to choose two colors for my active and inactive title bars when the damn thing only displays one color half the time.

Before I get into my big project I was doing - another quiet, freeloaderless, doorless, dogless weekend. With or without him in the picture, though, I know I’m gonna have to deal with winter noise. Meaning that as soon as it cools down, the kids are gonna play ball regularly enough. God’s gonna compensate me for sure for these quiet months because that’s how it always works. I always have to pay for every little blessing I get.

I told God, though, that he could stick Caddy Kid on me all he wanted to if he’d let me lose more weight. This weight-loss thing is going so slow that I’m virtually positive my weight’s settled at what it’s comfy at and is gonna stay at (116-119). Anyway, the day before I told God I’d take Caddy Kid for weight loss since I have to pay for everything, I heard him for the first time in a while. I thought someone was knocking on the door, till I looked out and saw him banging by. But ever since, I haven’t heard from him. That’s fine with me, though, because I still can’t stand it when he goes pounding by, and losing weight isn’t as important as it once was.

Later…

Lisa called a while ago, and I love the different ringtone for long-distance calls. (part of that new package) it rings intermittently for long-distance calls, thank God, or else I’d have ignored the phone and written it off as one of our many sales calls. I cannot believe how persistent these salespeople are. I’ve never seen or heard of anything like it before and neither have others I’ve talked to. Maybe God really is paying me back. First he took away my sleep for taking it away from hundreds of others. Now, he’s annoying me with the phone for annoying hundreds of others.

Anyway, Lisa cut herself again and went back to smoking (I don’t know if she ever really quit to begin with). I told her the same things I’ve told her before about why she shouldn’t be cutting herself or smoking. All I can do is hope that it’ll sink in in time and that it won’t take something as big as window-jumping to get her to learn her lesson.

Here I am, finally without the anger that I’ve had for years over the uncles, Larry, the parents, and now I have to deal with my anger towards Bill. Meaning that I finally either find ways to deal with and flush out my anger towards these people, or let time dissipate it and now I’m replaced with how much I want to kill Bill. God really is bound and determined to replace every single problem I fix or that just goes away on its own, isn’t he? If I were 100 pounds tomorrow, the next day there’d be a new problem waiting for me. If we won the lottery, we’d be inflicted with health problems for sure. Anyway, and like I said, the parents, uncles, and brother, are all in the past, but boy would I love to kick Bill’s ass to hell and back! If only he knew just how lucky he is that I’m so far away.

I find I often have scary, but mainly sad thoughts of Tom dying. No, I’m not talking about vibes or premonitions of any kind. Just thoughts. They’re so sad that they make me cry. You know I couldn’t live without my Tom. Still, I wish these thoughts would go away. They’re so utterly depressing! Just thinking about him dying makes me cry, so that should tell you all the more, just how quickly I’d kill myself if he really did die. Well, if God wants me to die by hanging myself, he’ll let Tom be killed. He knows this. In fact, I told God that if there was only one prayer he’d grant me from here on out, it’d be to let me be the one to die first. Everything else after that is just extra. I’d be enormously fat, based to holy hell, and have all kinds of shit/problems before I ever lived without Tom. Even if I could survive on my own (and I couldn’t because of my schedule problem) there’d be no life without Tom.

Tom and I made a new little sex plan. So far it’s been working out fine, but you know that’ll change. Whatever it is that’s up there, that’s always been so bound and determined to hex me sexually, will get in the way yet again.

The new plan is to screw every Friday and every Monday. Those are the two days that our schedules shouldn’t prevent us from getting together. We can have sex on other days, too, but we’re starting with these two days for sure to see if it helps the irritation I’ve had. As I told him, I can’t keep going through that. We need to either have sex or have no sex at all. So far, he’s been letting himself in there and that’s the only thing I care about. As long as he either gets in there or says he’d rather not, I don’t care how the sex turns out. In fact, now that he knows I’m dead serious about not having a kid and that that’s no longer something I want, he’ll probably never cum again which is fine with me. Not because I have any doubts about my sterility, but because I know he’s just as happy with not cumming, and because of the mess it makes.

I had Ratsy in Velvet’s cage for a while. It was cute how they played together. Right now, I’ve got Ratsy’s wire cage inside of Velvet’s Plexiglas cage, since Ratsy would only jump out of Velvet’s cage. Plus, he likes to climb the wire. Tom said he had a good idea for modifying Ratsy’s cage, in his message to me before he split for work, but he didn’t get into it. Well, he ought to be home soon enough.

Now for my big project. Tom expects to have his wallpaper/screensaver changer program done by Saturday. Meanwhile, I made a couple of new wallpaper/screensaver schemes. I wish I’d done this a long time ago because it is sooo cool! It started with me making Tom a little present. After all, he’s made and done for me computer-wise, I thought it was high time I returned the favor. So, I scanned in all kinds of family pictures with relatives of ours on both sides of the family. Minus the folks and Larry, of course. I did start to put in a few of Dad, but then I deleted them. I have pictures of Jen and Larry Jr. Both of us really liked this. Doing the family pictures inspired me with more ideas, so then I went on to make a folder of journal covers, too! I scanned all but about forty covers since there were some duplicates. Also, some were just too ugly for scanning. So now I have three different sets. The ones with Gloria and Norah. The family pictures. And the journal covers.

Later…

They say ignoring a troublemaker is the best way to deal with one, but I disagree. I’ve always learned that facing the troublemaker is the only way to deal with one. Well, it may not be a perfect solution all the time, but you sure as hell have a better chance of getting trouble off your back if you face it, rather than turn your back on it. And if you are gonna turn your back on it, you should face it first. So, instead of ignoring the first sales call of the day, I picked up and said, “Look, you’ve been calling consistently now for years…” then the woman asked me if I knew who she was. She said she needed to talk to Tom about his American Airlines account (the one he doesn’t even have) and I told her to go to hell and quit calling. Again, it ups my chances of getting these assholes off my ass, but for the most part, these salespeople just don’t get it and they just don’t give up. She’ll call again tomorrow. Even so, it feels good to get my frustration out on these persistent assholes every now and then.

I wish I could be just as persistent as they are with not snacking in between meals, but it’s so hard. It started off easier than the one meal a day, but now it’s gotten hard again. I still have more energy, I’m still walking, but I’m back to being hungry a lot. My body’s constantly crying out for the food and pounds it naturally craves, but I’d really rather not let myself get back into the 120s again, because then rocking will be hard again. It never ends, though. All this slavery just to stay where I am now in the first place! Why oh why did I quit smoking? What a waste. I just threw away one problem for a new one, but like I said earlier, that’s how it always is with me. Everything in my life was predestined to have a certain balance of - and + in my life. At least I can say, though, that my life has never been better than it is today. I feel more at peace nowadays, than I ever have before. I’m not dying to have lots of things I can never have. Instead, there’s just one thing I’d really like, which is to move, and that’s a done deal. Meaning, that is possible, that is destined, and it’s gonna happen someday. As for the weight - it’s OK if I lose or stay where I am so long as I don’t get too much bigger to where I can’t rock.

No, I certainly don’t miss the loneliness, the aloneness, the struggling, the addiction to Navane, the wanting a woman, the wanting to be a singer, the high sex drive I couldn’t satisfy with Tom, the wishing sex could end with him cumming, the wanting a kid, the wanting to quit smoking (I know that if I still smoked I’d still be thin, but my lungs would always be just as shitty as they were back then), and a million other things, like my parents and Larry.

If this were a year or so ago that we were in the position we’re in now, I’d have run to the doctor about my sterility in a heartbeat, even though I’d still come out of it without a baby. Now? I’m not even curious about finding out why I’m sterile anymore. If it was as easy as snapping my fingers to obtain the info that’d be different. A part of me feels obligated to go for testing because of how Tom took the time to switch us to Intergroup for its broader infertility programs, but I just don’t want to go. My heart’s just not in it, and I’m tired. First it was the ear, then asthma, then the ear again, then the braces, and lots of colds and flues and infections along the way. I’m just tired. Tired of the medical roller coaster.

Later…

freeloader update - at noon I heard a door slam, and shortly after, Tom came in and said El Cocko was parked in the carport. It left quietly without a door slam not too long afterward. Not one beat of music. And you know damn good and well that if this were in the past, he’d have come banging in. Tom believes that our city letters did the trick as far as the music goes and I think he’s right, although it’s sad that people won’t do right when a neighbor asks them to, but only when the city does. They’ll lower their music for the city, but not for a neighbor! I disagree with him on why he’s not living there, but I hope he’s right because if he is, it may lower the chances of him coming back, although I highly doubt it. I’m sure he’ll be back at some point. Anyway, I think that he moved out because they had a fight. He thinks it’s because of the letters. He thinks that by the time they got the second letter, they realized how serious we were and really checked into it and pushed to have him move out.

OK, say Tom’s right. No retaliation, though? I’d think that if his moving out really had to do with us, that they’d know it and that they’d try to pull some shit on us. Well, maybe they know it just won’t do them any good, and maybe the bitch really doesn’t want to lose her house, which is cool with me. As long as next door’s quiet and not distracting me and interfering with my everyday living, I don’t give a fuck who lives over there.

Wish we’d sent those letters in March of ‘96, though!

Measles was on the patio all by herself just now, so I gave her some of Tweety’s food.