Never before have I had such a craving for different foods than the usual mashed potatoes, chicken and salad. I want a week off from the same old, same old. I’ll never lose weight anyway, so why not a box of white powdered donuts, some canned peaches, some spaghetti, and some Grape Nuts cereal? Except for the donuts, this isn’t exactly junk food. Just different stuff. I eat healthy foods, don’t exceed 1500 calories a day, and am still fat, so what the hell? Although I’d look best at around 100 pounds, I may be able to drive my weight down to between 115-120 pounds if the fucking Bowflex would ever get here, but that’d be about it. For now, I’m bouncing between 122-124 pounds.

I’ve had allergy attacks on and off throughout the day. There’s just no knowing what’ll trigger them. It’s a real bitch to live with; never knowing when your nose is going to go on the fritz.

Paula left a message saying she was going to lose her phone because she can’t afford it and says she’ll send a letter. Yeah, I knew she’d lose that phone. Also, she’s moving again like she does every 2-3 months.

It’s been a week since I’ve heard from Dan. I’m not sure if he’s left the state yet, but I don’t think he’s gone two weeks, and definitely not three, without engine gunning. So, if I don’t hear from him by the middle of the month, I guess we can assume he’s gone.

I’ll be going to bed early this morning, and it sucks to know that the military will wake me up several times during my sleep. I don’t know, it just seems like it’s time for that. Time for them to be heard a few times during the day.

My computer has a slight flicker to it, which Tom doesn’t know how to fix. I’ll just live with it for now.

There’s not much left to do with my “spring cleaning” I plan to do every few months. The dolls were the most work. The rest is just cleaning the blinds, tops of doors, doorways, cabinets, and pictures. Places I don’t usually hit regularly.

The child desires have remained backed off, thank God. I feel silly having said I’d use a donor if I ever wanted one again. Yeah, right! As if he’d let me? If he interfered with my getting pregnant naturally, he’d interfere with my getting pregnant the invitro way too, to say nothing of the divine interference I’d get.

Even if the choice was mine to make, I doubt I’d choose to have a child. I would’ve in a heartbeat in the past, but times have changed. 99% of the time I’m OK with knowing I’ll never have one. I’d rather be curious than have a kid and wish I didn’t.

I sat and thought of the different things I’ve done and gone through in life, both good and bad, and I can’t imagine ever dancing again, even if I was still thin and transportation wasn’t an issue. I could never let myself be used like that again. That is so wrong and so greedy of those cheap club owners to make the dancers support the bouncers, DJs, and bartenders. The owners are obligated to pay their salaries, not the dancers. If I’m gonna work, it’s going to be for me and my husband and not my coworkers.

Later...

Just as I predicted, our brand-new house is already having things break. Tom says it isn’t broken, but nonetheless, our garbage disposal shouldn’t have hung up like it did. Tom unplugged it before going to bed and will fix it later. What else is he gonna have to fix? The car? The dishwasher? The washer? Dryer? What? God, leave us alone with the breakage for six months! Just six lousy months, will you?!

Freddie bit Tom when he was holding him the other day. I don’t know why. He’s never bitten me. Not yet, anyway.

My schedule’s slowly, but surely flipping. I slept from 7:30 to 4:30, but not without a million interruptions. Not due to the military, but due to a series of weird dreams. In one of them, a couple of boys who might’ve been in their late teens were trying to break into the retreat window. I could hear them talking and see their shadows through the white blinds. I got up out of bed and got dressed, planning to go out the front door and run around to the back and surprise them, but woke up before I could get out of the house.

When the Bowflex isn’t here by Thursday or Friday like it should be, Tom will call to find out what the next problem is. I just hope it isn’t the references. I had to guess Kim’s number and address since I can’t find it, and Paula’s losing her phone. Well, if worse comes to worst, we can use Steven and Dennis as references. They used us, so we’ll use them if we have to.

Dan hasn’t left the state yet. I’m not surprised. I think he’ll leave closer to May. The reason I know this isn’t because of the engine-gunning, but because I could see lights on in his place earlier. There’s a chance he could have lights set on a timer to light the place up at night while he’s gone, but I doubt that.