Makes me nervous when I see them pull the SUV out of their garage and into the carport next door like they’re clearing the garage so they can work on something noisy in it, but I haven’t heard a thing.

Had a long chat with my sister, but first, let me shut Bjork up and skip to the next song. Whoever told that bitch she could sing anyway? Guess it goes to show once again that the music business is more about who you know, how much money you have, and who you’re willing to fuck.

Anyway, I couldn’t get the MagicJack to work. It said, “Call in progress,” but I never heard any ringing. Tammy saw that I tried to call, though. I used the cell to finally get through, and I think Tom and I each having a cell is enough. So I’ll probably cancel my MJ subscription when it expires. No, I can’t go hands-free that way or listen to messages online, but how often do I do this anyway?

There was only one thing Tammy said that disturbs me and has me wondering if it’s even true, though I don’t see why she’d make it up other than to feel she was “counter-attacking” me for believing she or Bill got our new address from Tom’s family when we moved from Phoenix to Maricopa so they could feed me to the pigs after I threatened Bill by mail and on his answering machine, which I no longer believe. I’ll get to what I believe soon enough.

Most of this entry will be kept out of public and will only be shared with just a few close, trusted friends. Consider yourself LL’d if you get to read this – loved and lucky.

Tammy has been known to be a hypochondriac and a complainer that makes my complaints seem like nothing. She may still be the complainer from hell (I don’t mind, though), but there’s no way in hell she’s making up or exaggerating the medical problems she and Mark have.

When I called her I told her she didn’t have to tell me anything she didn’t feel comfortable telling me, but she waved that off and said, “You’re my sister, so I want to tell you everything.” Then the complaints tumbled out like a waterfall, mostly about Stephanie and Lisa.

Tammy used to have a friend named Mary, who had 3 daughters. Their father, like most fathers, preferred not to be in the picture. Eventually, Mary met Mark and was finally happy to have a guy care about her kids and raise them like they were his own. Then Mary died of cancer. I’m pretty sure Tammy and Mary didn’t meet till long after Mary married Mark. Anyway, one of the daughters is Stephanie. She’s now 33 and positively fucked in the head. She’s on disability and she hangs with guys that do drugs and I guess one of them got arrested for assaulting an old man. Not something Mark can just “ignore” and “avoid” and remove himself from any more than some of us can ignore insanely loud neighbors as much as we’d like to. I’ve seen Stephanie’s picture. She’s hideously fat and ugly. So much so that she almost makes me look thin and pretty. More importantly, she’s really put a lot of stress on Mark, and again, it’s not the kind of drama one can walk away from that easily. Stephanie lives in Indiana right now and when Mark drove to Ohio to see his brother and then to Indiana to see his daughter, who knew he was coming, she wasn’t there.

Stephanie, like Lisa, was/is also into stealing. Lisa was on cocaine for a while, and Tammy said she stole her wedding ring and sold it for 3K. This is on top of the constant, constant lies. I never could understand adult lying, as funny as that may sound. I can see not divulging info so as not to hurt someone or maybe softening the truth a bit, and yes, I would lie and say I knew nothing about it if I committed a crime I was guilty of, but why lie as adults when people don’t have the hold on us they do as kids? No one can punish me for admitting I’m a sexist. They can’t take away my stereo for a week or make me stand in a corner and face the wall. So while I may not need to broadcast it with a neon “I’M A SEXIST!” tee, to whom must I fear and hide it? But that’s just how these girls are; lie after lie after lie.

While I don’t doubt the drama Tammy’s going through, I also wonder how truthful she’s being in general. It’s not like she’s a habitual liar or anything like that, but she has lied in the past and there are some inconsistencies in some of her stories that seem to go beyond normal forgetfulness. She went from losing 30 pounds to 14 pounds when she was sick. Her dog used to be 85 pounds and now it’s 90 pounds. Ok, so most of us mammals gain weight with age, but there are other things, like the letter I supposedly “accidentally” sent Sarah and Becky that was meant for her before I dumped her in 1999. At first I thought she was saying it was intentionally aimed at them, and I was like, why in the world would I have gone off on my nieces who were just kids and had nothing to do with whatever was going on? They never did anything wrong, though a couple of them, particularly Lisa, were extremely rude to me when we were all bickering online in 2009, but I have since ignored Lisa. I don’t hate her, but I don’t want to be in touch with her, and she hasn’t made any attempts to contact me either since she flung her rude and false accusations at me that bordered on sheer insanity. She’s not on disability, though, which sort of surprises me. She’s a CPA, which is a little more involved than a candy striper. She cleans up patients and stuff like that.

Makes me glad, once again, that we never had kids of our own. What if, no matter how well we treated it, it grew up to be a crazy, deceitful druggie that brought so much grief and stress into our lives as if life alone didn’t dish out enough shit to us along the way?

Really wish she hadn’t gone and brought up Bill, though. Some subjects we just DON’T want to hear about no matter how much we’ve faced them and dealt with them, and know that nothing can change the past. I don’t remember what it was she said. Some casual comment about him driving Becky or Sarah somewhere.

Tammy has changed for the better so much but is still the same old Tammy at the same time. The deceptiveness is still there and so is the thirst for vengeance. It may be subtle in some ways, but it’s an underlying thing I can sense. Hell, she even admitted a while back trying to spite Lisa off of worker’s comp. So she’s one of those that I’d trust immensely if I ever needed help, but that I also know I must tread lightly with, be careful what I say, and hope to hell I never piss off. I wouldn’t hesitate to dump her or anyone else I thought was too toxic to have in my life, but I hope I don’t have to. Not just cuz no one wants to hate their sister so much they’d dump them, but because she’d never let me live in peace. Sadly, Tammy, like Kim, Molly and many others, can’t just move on. Instead, she picks on, follows and harasses anyone she can. Blocking and ignoring her would be easy enough, but she would abuse our numbers and I don’t even want to think about what she may do with our address. So that’s why I trust her when she’s happy with me, but don’t trust her at all when she’s not. I used to pick on those I dumped or that dumped me, but once I realized how immature and risky that was I began to simply avoid and ignore them whenever possible. Wish more people were like that.

While I have never denied sending her and Bill some nasty stuff, I absolutely have NO recollection whatsoever of accidentally addressing an envelope meant for her to not just one of my nieces, but to two?! Would love to have seen the postmark on the envelope to see if it really came from Arizona and not from someone trying to make me look awfully bad, cuz I just don’t see how, no matter how pissed I may’ve been at the time, I put the wrong name down in the heat of the moment… twice. Is she sure she isn’t just saying this due to how angry I was at the way she handled certain things in the past?

When confronted with the letter she sent Tom in defense of Bill, she told me she had no self-esteem and that due to her childhood, she felt she deserved the abuse she got from men. Now I’ll be quick to admit that at the time I didn’t understand why women stayed with abusive men. It made no sense to hang on for the kids and all that shit, but I realize people don’t always parent the same way they handle relationships. Now don’t get me wrong, I still think there are some truly sick and twisted women out there that get off on that shit. If some like rough sex, why not a rough relationship, huh? Take Rihanna, for example, who went back to Chris Brown after he beat her up. I don’t know much about Rihanna’s personal life and I don’t care, but I always had the feeling that she truly enjoyed the abuse, the attention, and the sympathy it brought her. I can’t wait for the day Brown hits the wrong woman, though that’s the problem with these sick cocks; they’re usually smart enough to avoid women they know won’t fight back or leave or both.

I can kind of get where she’s coming from as far as feeling unworthy of good people when you consider the types of “friends” I had in the past (Fran, Nervous, Jenny, etc.). I was too damn nice and forgiving and I took a lot of shit I’d NEVER take today. I let people jerk me around like a puppet, and I too, felt like I’d never get anyone worth having. If a man had raised a hand to me, I’d have fought back, but I also would’ve been dumb enough to forgive him more than I should have had men been my main cup of tea. These days, if I were single and dating and happened to get with a man instead of a woman, the beating I’d give him would be so savage if he laid a hand on me that I’d not only end up in jail for a while but would never even THINK of forgiving him no matter how hot he was or what the bastard’s excuse was.

I try to tell myself that holding grudges against people like Bill all these years later is pointless, but as she pointed out about leaving abusive men… it’s not always that easy. It’s sort of like the guy whose rock flew out of his truck and smashed our windshield. Well, he may not have done it deliberately and chances are he never even knew about it, but you still want to slap the guy and make him pay for the damage, you know? So it’s sort of like that.

“Look at it from a logical standpoint,” I told myself. “You did threaten the guy over family drama that had nothing to do with you directly, and if you had any faith in the cops with all the corruption running around out there, you just may call them too, if someone left you a threatening message. Lastly, if you didn’t know there was a warrant out for your arrest, then how could he?”

BUT… and as even the cop himself that came to see me about the matter said, he would’ve been pissed off too, had someone abused his family. Also, I was 3000 miles away. A little too far to be any real threat, don’t you think? I think the call to the cops was just his way of “getting even,” so to speak. So let’s just say that my letter and threatening phone message were wrong and illegal and nothing I’d ever do again, but it’s not exactly something I regret. In other words, I don’t feel sorry for the guy, and no, I wouldn’t trust myself alone with him either. Still don’t know how the hell he found me, but I now believe it probably went down as she said – he called the pigs and they hunted me down. Back then I used to think they either called Tom’s family (those assholes would give out our info) or got my SIL’s # from mom, but looking back on it I can see how that probably wasn’t so. The worst Tammy might’ve told him is what town we moved to, cuz I’m pretty sure I mentioned that to her.

The stupid fucker went to her and Mark about my call, and she told him, “It’s your phone, so what the hell do you expect me to do about it?”

That is so, so typical of people too, to drag others into shit and not confront the source directly. Even before this incident I NEVER liked the guy. Worst guy she ever went with. I’m so glad she now has a good, loving, caring and compassionate guy like Mark in her life. I don’t like violence and I never want to have to raise my fist to anyone, but if anyone ever harmed my husband, me or our property…

Still, some things just ain’t that easy, as she knows. I’ll always despise Bill, pointless or not, and I’ll never forgive the people in Arizona. Not even if they came to me with a million dollars, got on their knees and said, “We’re so, so sorry we had our corrupt cop pal type a threatening letter to get your prints on in interrogation, then frame you with (if it wasn’t sent to us by someone else we pissed off). It’s true; we hate whites, we hate Jews, and we were just seeking revenge for your city complaint over our HORRENDOUS noise, trash and vandalism. We knew that because you had made a few threats for real in the past it would be easy to use against you, and all in a state that favors minorities and in a time when playing the race card is hip. We knew we would be the ones to be believed no matter what you said. We can never replace the time you lost to our vindictiveness, but here’s the money back you lost on account of us, and even more.”

I think that more often than not, people don’t realize the seriousness of their vengefulness when they spite others be it through the law or not. In the heat of the moment they lash out and that’s it for them, but it’s far from it for the people they abuse.

Some things may be possible in time, but they just ain’t so easy – quit smoking… not that easy. Lose 40 pounds… not that easy. Forgive and forget those who wronged the hell out of you… not that easy. Got a driving phobia? Just jump in a car and drive… not that easy. Smile if you’re depressed… not that easy. Tell yourself it’ll all be ok… not that easy. Set your alarm to keep a schedule… not that easy. Guy getting too physical? Just kick his ass and leave… not that easy.

Win a million dollars, Jodi… not that easy.

In my next entry, I’ll get into the health update she gave me.

Later…

Still stumped as to who my CH visitor is, but I’m now leaning toward it being a stranger. Whoever it is has a lot of time on their hands cuz they check in on and off throughout the day. That’s why I’ve ruled out the dentist. Unless she’s suddenly obsessed with my blog and checking it between patients, it’s not her. I agree with Tom that it’s probably a stranger as opposed to someone in the park.

If it’s me it’s counting, then it’s doing it in chunks and counting wrong. Hmm… maybe it’s counting whenever I ok the “this site contains adult content” notice that periodically comes up.

Went to GA’s site and excluded my IP which I thought was already filtered out since I told it right on Blogger to exclude me, but maybe it wasn’t on GA’s site. Time will tell.

I talked with Aly earlier who doesn’t doubt Kim’s having someone read my blog for her. But who are they? The only new regular that’s visible is that CH visitor yet I’ve never known Kim to have friends around here. She said she was surprised Kim never created a fake account on Ask to contact me. Come to think of it, so am I. Creating fake accounts is her specialty.

Alison says a part of her misses Molly because even though Molly was a crazy, lying bitch, she at least always knew where she stood with her. She’s done with both Kim and Kathy on the other hand. Kathy is just too two-faced and cannot accept people as they are. She never was a true friend. One minute she’s nice to your face, the next she’s either dumping you or making fun of you on her FB page. That’s what Aly said she was doing to both the “Crazy Rat Lady” and the “Crazy Cat Lady.” I guess when Kathy learned that Aly wouldn’t take a cheaper apartment that didn’t allow animals (though it made perfect sense not to take a cheaper place that wouldn’t allow her own mutts when she and Adam moved); she became the “Crazy Cat Lady.” As for me, I don’t care what I am to Kathy because she is nothing to me. I think she only stopped harassing me on Ask because she knows I know where she lives and where Adam works. Knowledge is power. :)

To finish up with my chat with Tammy, which lasted about an hour when she had to leave to go pick Peppy up from the groomer’s, Mark returns to his cardiologist on the 20th. They know he has to have surgery due to clogged arteries, but they don’t know what procedure they’re going to do. They may or may not do stints. They’re hoping that after surgery he’ll be as good as new again and able to get back to their side business which was the one making a lot of money. This was doing home improvements of various kinds. Why he bothered to keep his other job managing some company (I forgot what she said it was), beats me. For the benefits, I guess.

Here’s where the conversation took a surprising turn. Money is the one area in life I thought Tammy would be forever blessed in, but since Mark has been too ill to work the business, they’ve taken a huge loss. They spent something like 50K last year on their own home improvements and other things not knowing Mark would take ill. But then he started having symptoms of fatigue, poor circulation and trouble breathing.

He’s 63 and I asked if he could retire at 65 or 66, but she said they’d never make it. I was stunned to learn this, but as Tom later pointed out, it’s a common problem for those who own their own business. Tom, on the other hand, risks firings and layoffs, but we’d be ok if he retired at 66. We’d be better than ok if he retired at 70. It felt weird to think we’re better off in some monetary ways than she is since God always made sure I was the financial underdog of the family. He’s even worried about his other job cuz they’ve been talking budget cuts.

While it may be more practical for them to give up their 2600-square-foot place and the land/gardens they’ve been having trouble keeping up with lately, it’s not that easy. The whole cul-de-sac they live on has been in Mark’s family for ages. It’s where he grew up and all he’s ever really known.

Neither will seeing Mark in Yale-New Haven be easy on Tammy. First they have to come up with hotel money for who knows how long, and then she has to figure out how to get to him in her condition. It’s a huge area and she can only walk so far. That’s why she doesn’t groom Pep herself to save money. She can’t just groom a 90-pound dog.

As for her own lung issues, she’s postponed treatment till they know what’s up with Mark. He could be ok, he could not be ok, or he could not make it. The stress they’re under must be hell. Their lives may not be on the line to the degree that ours were, but I’m sure it’s scarily close enough or they at least feel that way. Tammy said they’ll eventually only be replacing one lung since doing both would be too risky.

Unfortunately, Tammy doesn’t get much on disability. They basically treat those on disability like welfare bums. I guess they want to pay so little to encourage those who aren’t truly disabled back to work. Lotta people would be injuring themselves if you could make a decent living off of it. At least she’s getting something. I’ll never get that simply because I didn’t work for many years and got married at the time I was last on it. This really pisses me off, too. Getting married didn’t cure me, and so what if a person didn’t work for many years? If they’re disabled, they’re disabled. Period.

She did tell me a funny story about Pep catching a possum and setting it free unharmed, so that’s nice. Meanwhile, since it seems unlikely things will stay the same for them, things are probably either going to get better or worse. Time can only tell which one it will be. If I had to guess (and hope), both their conditions will either be improved or stabilized.

She says Becky and Sarah are taller than her. Damn, that’s tall! Between that and their weight, no wonder I never hear talk of dating and boyfriends on FB. Men love youth but are rarely fans of tall girls or big girls. Hell, I could probably catch a guy easier and I look like shit. I feel bad for them, especially since they’re so young and are only human. They don’t seem to have many friends either. They have a good number of FB friends, but I doubt most of them are really “friends.” Anytime they post about hanging out with someone, it’s always either with each other or other family members. No girls’ night out. No hot dates.

I thought I couldn’t plug my oil warmer in the plug I wanted to use by my desk cuz it’d make the warmer face sideways. Then I noticed a circular groove around the warmer’s plug, twisted it, and now it’s upright! Woo-hoo!