I was reading someone’s blog about how they get frustrated with “correct” terms changing constantly and how ex-cons are now referred to as parolees, the word “racist” is overused, and people are too sensitive. I can relate to this frustration at times. Now we can’t refer to an older woman as “old” or “elderly.” No, now she must be “mature.” But how long will it be before “mature” becomes the new dirty word? When will “curvy” be offensive? Colored people, black people, people of color, African American, not white… Well, like it or not, I prefer to stick with what I was originally taught. So, for someone who’s 53, I’m getting old. Oh, and I have about 30 lb. of fat on me and I’m not black. :-)

We took the car to be washed yesterday morning and got some things from Walmart.

Went walking together, and in case I didn’t already say so, I felt borderline anxious a couple of days ago, fine yesterday, and slightly wound up for a couple of hours this morning. I know it’s mostly because it’s Monday morning. As long as I keep busy, I’m fine. If I don’t, then I’m going to start worrying about the experiment blowing up in my face and turning out to be a bust and worried about getting anxious, which can actually make me feel a little anxious. So, trying to stay aware but not dwell.

I’ll probably be going to the lab on the 6th and a few days before that I’ll message Doc A, so she knows what’s going on, not that I expect her to understand or be too happy about it. But hey, my body, my life, my choice. :-) I’m always going to do what makes me feel best and not what makes the numbers look good.

We’ve been on different versions of a diet called Mary’s Mini. He’s losing weight, but as expected, I’m not able to lose weight which is fine because that’s not why I’m on this diet. It’s to lower my cholesterol and sodium intake which helps my BP. The nice side effects are money savings and no threat of gaining weight.

My diet is based on potatoes, fruits and veggies and just a little bit of dairy and nuts. It’s amazing how filling and nutritious potatoes are! I haven’t had meat in a while now and I’m not craving it either, even though it’s not like I’ll never have it again. I’ll probably have some fish after labs. I’m surprised at how well this diet curbs hunger. Sometimes I get hungry, but for the most part, it hasn’t been bad at all. I should be averaging about 1200 calories a day, maybe slightly more.

I had this weird dream that I got sentenced to one week in jail, although I don’t know what for. I didn’t know Tom, but my father and brother were alive. I guess you could get calls in this jail because I received a call in which this guy asked if I knew who he was. He sounded familiar to me, and I was desperate to talk to Larry once I heard his voice in the background because I had totally forgotten Dad’s number and needed to call him to arrange a time to be picked up once I was released.

I was admitted into jail on a Friday and by Monday morning I realized I could no longer say I had a week, but 5 days instead.

I wished I could get up earlier so I could be more awake for breakfast, but even though I got up later one day, I was still able to go to this cafeteria where bacon and eggs were being served.

Tammy has her second surgery today and hopefully she’ll have a health and home-hunting update from me once she has a chance to recover.

95% of the coding is done, according to Tom, for his next app. It looks like he will have to get a website, though, for legal purposes.

I don’t think Tom will make a few hundred bucks a month with his apps no matter how good he may be just because of the odds and it doesn’t seem like anything that would be “allowed” by above.

However, this place has been “acting” like the end times. Things always seem to be better for us not too long before we move. Like within a year or two if even that. Well, not only am I better but the place itself suggests the end of our time here is near. Like that car disappearing. It’s still noisy as hell here, but words can’t describe how utterly annoying hearing that thing coming and going was. It was like 10 loud cars in one. Plus, I make a friend in Dixie, and these are the kinds of things that would happen as the end gets closer. There still isn’t anything to say we’re going to make it out of here in a year or two, though, so I still have to assume we won’t be out until he’s at least 66 and that the fucking car will eventually return.

Dixie sent me, along with her famous niece and a few others, some funny jokes. “My stomach is flat, but the L is silent,” LOL.

Later…

April: 1 anxious day
May: 3 anxious days
June: 2 anxious days
July: 5 anxious days
Aug: 5 anxious days

Today is turning out to be my worst day in a while even if I’ve had worse. Above are the total number of anxious days I’ve had so far since the beginning of the experiment: 16 anxious days out of 140 days, which is an average of every 8.5 days.

I don’t like how the anxiety has been picking up these last two months and August isn’t even done. I didn’t jump to two full doses a week until August, but I still don’t know if the dose is a factor at this point or not. I wish I did! If it continues to pick up maybe I should just go back to 50s and stay there indefinitely. For now, I think I’ll drop back to one full dose a week. I didn’t keep track of every single pill cut I made, but I think it’s pretty safe to say I was cutting closer to 50 during April and May and closer to 60 after June. If it’s something in the filler, then I wonder if I should ask Dr. A if there’s a liquid form of this medication. I mean I can’t believe they have everyone who has a problem with the filler turn to Armour. If there is, bet I can guess what her answer will be… Go to Dr. O.

I’m really starting to believe I just may not be meant to fully treat my thyroid. It’s like something up there doesn’t want me treating it all the way.

I can’t help but think about and analyze the situation and I just want to cry. I feel so defeated and frustrated. If this isn’t the peri, then it’s either the filler or the medication itself. It can’t be the dose because even though I take a full pill every now and then, it’s not up to the full 75-dose in my bloodstream. That kind of rules out the dose at the moment and hopefully we’ll soon be able to rule out peri once I get into the menopausal zone.

Another thing it could be is that Dr. A is right about how anyone can be anxious at times. Maybe I really did develop an anxiety disorder for no reason, although the way I worsened on off-brands couldn’t have been a coincidence. Plus, there’s no doubt when I first went on 75s and then 88s that it was the medication, and I totally believe all the reports I’ve read online. This shit does cause anxiety for some people. I just wish I knew if it was the filler or the medication itself! I also wish I knew if I really could have developed an anxiety disorder but that one has always struck me as the least likely. Just something in my gut still says it’s on the medication for the most part.

Okay, but what part of the medication??? The filler or the drug itself? And why does it only affect me sometimes? Lastly, how much is the peri? Flares?

I just can’t see myself running to the shrink since they’ve never helped me yet. Prozac backfired, the blood pressure medicine didn’t do anything but make me exhausted, beta-blockers make me cold as hell and exhausted, and then there are other side effects. The only thing that was helpful for a while until I got too used to it was the Lorazepam but that wasn’t for this kind of anxiety. There are different kinds of anxieties that feel different and the Lorazepam was more for panic attack symptoms. These are waves of adrenaline that come and go on and off throughout the day in the center of my chest. The more I feel it, the more it fucks with my emotions. Since SSRI drugs make me suicidal, I just don’t see what a shrink can do for me. So why spend the time and money to go to some expat I may or may not understand just to get nowhere? I just don’t like to take medication. Too many side effects, and like Stacey said, one can still feel symptoms of anxiety even medicated. The last shrink I saw mentioned that as well. I’m not saying there’s anything wrong with an anxious person seeing a shrink, I just don’t think I could benefit from one personally.

So much for those “end” signs. When I went through all the reasons in my mind why a shrink would be a waste of time and money, I realized that it may not be wise to say “never” where they’re concerned. Look at Amy. At first it didn’t seem like she was going to be able to do me any good and that I would be stuck suffering from a burning, itching crotch for the rest of my life. Then one day she worked miracles for me. So maybe after SSRI drugs backfiring, me getting too used to Lorazepam, BP meds being worthless, there is something else I don’t know about. Not going to call and schedule an appointment just yet, though. I’m going to wait until I’m postmenopausal because if I’m still getting “stabbed” at that point, then we’ve gone from 4 possibilities to 3 which would be the filler, the meds or me just becoming this way. I wonder if flares could be a factor. Dr. O didn’t seem to think so and if she was willing to admit what other doctors wouldn’t (except for my GYN), I would think she would admit that too.

I feel like I’m back to square one…questions, questions, questions…but never any answers. Tom assures me I’m not back to square one. I’m just having a bad day after many good days. I’d like to see it that way but it’s hard to. This is worrisome. It can only be one or more of four things…peri, and anxiety disorder separate from anything else, the filler or the meds.

I suppose that even though I’m now only 42 days away from menopause if I can hot flash, I can still have anxiety, but I realize that these symptoms aren’t magically going to stop at midnight on October 7th. Some of the symptoms can linger even after a year without periods, and I’m also older and heavier and that can make me have warm spells right there. Plus, I’ve always been temperature sensitive where I get too cold or too hot easily, especially cold.

I’m back to voice blogging on VoiceSpice which saves a nice neat little index of my posts, even though there are no guarantees they’ll remain there. Instead of worrying about something permanent and guaranteed, however, I’ll just use it while I can. If they don’t kick them off their server, fine. If they do, oh well.