Sometimes I miss my more human and creative side. But I just can’t bring back old feelings, desires and interests that I wish I hadn’t lost. I can’t remember the last time I got to enjoy the fun of having a crush on someone and throwing them in one of my stories.

I almost never get horny, though I guess that’s a good thing with a husband who also never gets horny and couldn’t perform if he wanted to due to his age and weight. But I at least found some enjoyment in the damn vibrators when he wasn’t around or in the mood, yet that is a thing of the past as is my flexibility and much more.

I really wish that if I had to lose my libido I at least didn’t have to lose my creativity right along with it. Lately, unless I get some idea from a dream, which doesn’t happen very often, I find myself experiencing the ultimate writer’s block. I have such great tools for cranking out all kinds of stories but can’t think of a damn thing I haven’t already written about in some form or another.

So then I move on in my mind to what else I could possibly write about, and absolutely nothing comes to mind. I mean I could do writing prompts but even that would be old news because most of the prompts ask me things I’ve already written about. I don’t know, maybe I should at least do that and expand on certain subjects in more detail. It’s just that many questions are repetitive, just phrased differently. How much detail could I possibly go into when asked about who made me smile today anyway? I just can’t always come up with some grand reason and long explanation. Instead, a quick sentence or two would be all it takes to answer many of the prompts.

Then I thought of writing a list of the experiences I’ve had in life and people that pop into mind, and again…already been written about. So I think, well, I could probably write about it better these days because my writing improves with time. While this is true, I just don’t want to. I have no desire to once again discuss the ups and downs of my childhood, what a bitch my mother was, and all about the teachers in school. Nothing I care to say about friends, lovers and neighbors that I haven’t already said.

While one can find so many things to do online alone to keep busy, I feel like it’s going to be a real struggle to keep myself entertained for another two or three decades.

I want change. The problem is that change usually means something bad happened and whatever things change into don’t last forever either. Plus, I wouldn’t want them to if they could because then I’d be bored all over again.

I’m still doing the same old things every single day and that would be just fine if I had something new once a week or so to sprinkle into the mix and break up the routine, but what? What can I do? Play pretend? Write similar versions of stories I’ve already written with similar characters? I just don’t know what to do to fill those last few hours of my day when I’ve completed my regular routine. Okay, I haven’t painted today and I haven’t done any puzzles. The problem is I don’t feel like doing either one of those things right now. So what do I do when I don’t feel like doing what I could be doing?

I guess I could talk to Alyssa, LOL, in the freak chance that she actually reads my messages. No way to ever know. She could opt to ignore messages without me knowing it in which case she’d never even know they were there.

It was 48 and sunny on my walk, and with my gray sweatshirt, pink hoodie, and pink knit gloves, I was comfy. Had I been hypo I’d have been utterly freezing.

Tom says some of the airplane noise I’m hearing is practice for an airshow. Said he saw them on his way home from work yesterday. But at 5:40 in the morning?