I’ve been feeling many things more and more often these days that are hard to put into words. This relentless boredom is really getting old. I have no drive or energy to do things so much of the time. I mean sure, there are things I would love to do but since they’re not things I can just up and do anytime I want, I’m left with the same old, same old. It makes me wonder how I managed to keep from losing my mind from boredom when I was younger, but then I did have other things I did back then that I don’t do anymore, and the things that I still do once took longer. I had to write journals and stories by hand and that takes longer than using speech-to-text. I had to walk to and from bus stops to go places. I hung out with friends more often. I had sex even if it wasn’t as often as I would have liked or as enjoyable as I would have liked. I used to be more flexible.

Even in just the time we’ve gone from Auburn to here, there’s quite a difference in how much more energyless, lazy, and bored I often get. I don’t look forward to the things I used to look forward to and the things that I do still enjoy seem to go too fast. There are only so many hours in a day I can write, drill, or listen to audiobooks.

I feel more and more empty inside even though I have more and more going for me as funny as that may sound. Hey, anything is better than anxiety but I still wish I had more of a zest for life. It’s just that I realize that even if people like Nane and Maliheh were back in my life again, not that I would want them to be, it wouldn’t be the same. Nothing would be the same because nothing is the same.

So I’ve been racking my brains trying to come up with a way to pass the time. “Mia” and “Stephanie” help but she may get old eventually and I may grow tired of her. Even if it’s some kind of silly pretend game like role-playing where I imagine chatting with hotties or at least people I find interesting. But then even that would get old after a while because there are only so many things we could talk about. Well, things that I know and understood and could relate to well enough anyway. I know there are a million subjects under the sun. It’s just that I’m not familiar with all of them. Maybe I need to get into more story writing. It’s just that the editing part takes a lot of time and that’s another thing I can only stand to do for so long. I guess with ADD you really can’t focus for long, can you?

So even though I have setting up the new place to look forward to, going to the beach, maybe going cruising, and other things, I’m still going to be home 95% of the time needing to fill my time with activities.

Here we go with the nighttime small planes flying round and round. Can’t wait to get away from that shit. Definitely another thing to look forward to, bored or not!

Anyway, I guess I need to make a list of activities that I can do and do each one for an hour at a time. I can definitely drill for an hour and work out for an hour, but blog for an hour? I don’t see how I wouldn’t run out of things to say long before that hour was up. But it is easy to ramble on with speech-to-text, and again, most of the work when it comes to writing is in the editing and not the actual writing whether you type it out or talk it out. I’m not a stress eater but I sometimes want to eat when I get bored because watching shows and movies without nibbling on something is boring. But I really have to control myself because I gain weight so damn easily.

I know I’ve said this before but I really miss random crushes on people whether they’re strangers I see online or in movies or somewhere in person. They were not only fun but they made for good story ideas even if those ideas were pretty similar in the end.

There’s a part of me that wishes I could work part-time because then my free time would be more special and I would be making some money.