Tom just went to take a nap. Good. I love the guy, but too much together time gets to me after a while just like too much alone time. I need a good mix. The only time I don’t want to be alone is when I’m really anxious or really depressed.

I can’t figure out my sleep anymore. Yesterday I only slept for 5 hours and 35 minutes yet I had more energy than I do today after sleeping 7 hours and 44 minutes. I did get a higher sleep score yesterday, though, of 89. Today it was 83. I’m just tired of being tired! I slept with the breathing strip for the last two nights but last night I kept waking up, as usual. I’m not surprised. I didn’t really think that would make much of a difference in the end. I’m none the wiser as to whether or not it could be chronic fatigue or some type of sleep apnea but will hopefully find out after my gallbladder is taken care of. I can only handle so many things at once. As it is, my health has become more like a job than anything else because it seems there’s always someone I’ve got to call or forms I have to fill out. It’s literally become like a part-time job only no one pays me for it. It’s frustrating as fuck.

For now, we ordered an ECG tester for $80 from Amazon. If it doesn’t give me any bad readings, I’ll start with tackling the sleep issues next. If it does indicate anything shady going on with my heart, I’ll start with a cardiologist. Sooner or later I have to see one anyway because of my family history.

Yesterday turned out to be a pretty good day in the end. After a few hours, I perked up enough for golfing and working out. Then we even went to Denny’s. The food was great. They had a special deal on steak dinners. I had steak, eggs, and fries.

I have a little more energy now than I did during the first 5 hours of my day, but I don’t know if it’ll be enough to really hit the road like I’d like to. I’m not gonna hit my 20-mile goal. I don’t even know if I can get in 10 miles today, but we’ll see. So I’m writing instead. I have to respond to Kim and Margaret’s emails.

Helen and I mostly talked about my anger issues in our last session. I told her about what happened in Arizona. I get that forgiveness is supposed to help a person and that being angry only hurts us, but it’s just not that easy. I can’t reach into my brain and flick a switch. I know there are a lot of people who, if they tell themselves something often enough, they believe it. I wish I had this capability but I can’t fool myself. No matter how many times I try to tell myself my favorite color isn’t pink and I work toward it being something else, I’d only be kidding myself.

But yes, sometimes I still resent certain people for certain things that have happened to me in the past. Let’s just say it’s enough not to trust myself around them if they magically appeared before me.

What baffles me is why I hate that bitch in Arizona more than anyone else I’ve ever known or met in my life. Shouldn’t it be my mother and the termite I hate the most? God knows they put me through more hell than anyone else on this planet.

And yes, sometimes I get resentful over the fact that I’m different in many ways, most of which I don’t appreciate. When I compare what I know about Alyssa to myself, I can’t help but ask myself, why? Just why? She’s tall. She’s no doubt forever skinny. She can drive. She can keep a schedule. She’s got a great career and will always have money. She obviously has a husband who can perform. She has a family. She has no birth defects. She has it all from what I can see. I know no one’s life is perfect, but I have a feeling her toughest times in life don’t even compare to mine. I mean, what could she possibly have about her that’s so fluky?

I wouldn’t want everything she has. My husband and I are older, and like most long-term couples, we’re content to be just damn good friends. I don’t want a family or a demanding career either. I think what gets to me is the fact that she has options and abilities that were never open to me whether I wanted them or not. I know it’s silly to compare but sometimes we do anyway, don’t we?

The fact that she hasn’t changed cover or profile pictures in four years tells me that, yes, she is aware of my past messages, and that’s why there’s been no apparent activity. I wouldn’t be surprised if she created a new account under a bogus name. If this is true, it’s kind of sad. All she had to do was either block me or tell me not to contact her and I would have respected her wishes. She didn’t have to run scared. I’m not dangerous. Fine, though. I’ll just use our chat thread to back up journals when I remember to. The more places I have copies, the merrier.