I am so pissed! Why oh, why can’t I fucking fall asleep? I know I’ll be up till 4:00 or 5:00. I used to like being a night person and now I hate it. If I absolutely had to get up at the same time every day, I’d only sleep for 4 hours or so. I am exhausted, though. I’m drop-dead tired. So then why can’t I sleep? I don’t want to take up sleeping pills. You need more and more of those to knock you out as time goes on, they’re addicting too, and you also need to take an upper to wake up in the morning. I’m so fucking pissed!

Later...

I had a bite to eat and listened to some tapes and CDs for a while. It is now time for me to try my damnedest to fall asleep. I know the main part of the problem is the Theodur besides being a night person. Perhaps I didn’t have enough coffee. You know how that is for a hyperactive person. It reverses more or less. Four cups a day helps a lot usually. A calmer person would only become more revved up by 4 coffees. Right now I’m not energetic or upset about anything in particular.

I sure as hell can’t write worth a damn when I’m exhausted. I hate being so tired yet unable to sleep, so if anything’s ticking me off at the moment, that’s it.

The only issue in my life right now besides singing or sex is my tapes. It’s like losing a very big and special part of me and my life. No one else could ever understand that for the life of them cuz they do not know me and my life. Or the people I know and the experiences I’ve had. I understand that, but it is not up to anyone else to judge me. Not cops or doctors or lawyers or teachers or the lowest of all low lives on the earth. If I heard the tapes and did not know anyone on the tapes, I too would think, are these people crazy? What are they talking about? What does all this gibberish mean? Nonetheless, it is a big part of my life they’ve snatched from me which is totally wrong and unfair with or without me making those phone calls. Other than making prank phone calls, I have a right to tape whoever the hell I want to in the privacy of my own home. No matter if I’ve done something wrong or I’m a sweet little angel, some kind of authority figure is always snatching away the things I love and are important to me. Either that or it gets stolen or broken. I no longer respect cops the way I used to. Some yes, but mainly I will always carry a huge resentment towards them in general. I will always feel anger.

Later...

I have only 6 minutes to write as I promised Andy I’d call him back. He ran out to grab a burger and some smokes. God, is he ever miserable! Even though PHX is much cheaper than New England, he’s having severe financial problems. He took a test for AT&T with 30 people. Only one passed the test and it wasn’t him. He may go apply at another Denny’s but he’s sick of the graveyard shift. He too, is getting fed up with being a night person.

As far as relationships go, our desires have completely changed.

Speaking of Andy, he just called saying that after we hung up, he checked his voicemail. He had 4 messages and had to call everyone back. So now, he’s gone out to get his burger and his pack of cigarettes. I told him that when he’s ready to call, let it ring once. I’ll call him back at that point.

Damn! With all the long-distance calls and the 900-number calls I’ve made, I better get the hell out of here in January!

Besides the boring, isolated no life I have here, I hope and pray I get a nice place and get out fast.

Besides Andy’s money problems and missing me, he’s so lonely. All his life he never wanted love but now he’s wanting a full-time lover. He’s now willing to share a bed every night with the right person and do all the things lovers do. All my life I thought I’d pretty much get someone and keep them and hang onto them for life or as long as possible. That was what I once wanted until I found out all I want, need and can handle is sex. We both are so picky and are attracted to straights. That is one desire I’m proud, relieved, happy and content with after all the desires I wish constantly I could change. Wanting only sex, I mean. Both of us have moved to places we thought we’d be happier in when in fact we’re a zillion times more miserable. The only plus for him is the cheaper and nicer apt. The only plus for me is this beautiful apt. and the area. At least I can go to the store without a drug dealer asking me to buy or sell drugs.

Later...

I just called Tammy to tell her how pissed off I am that I couldn’t fall asleep till 4:00 in the morning. I had set my alarm for 10:00 but didn’t get out of bed till almost 1:00. Even if I did get out of bed at 10:00, I’d still be up till 4:00 or 5:00.

Peter showed the apartment today to a young couple.

I’ve finally gotten my long-awaited letter from Andy. He sent 3 pictures of himself along with a coupon for my coffee. I got some cigarette coupons, too. Also, a concert review of Gloria’s from the concert Andy went to. Getting his letter was great and it was really thoughtful of him to send the other stuff, but what about my photos? I’m thinking, aw shit! Now I gotta wait another 6 months for those? I told him I’ve waited long enough. I didn’t give them to him, and other people want to see them. I’m never lending another thing of mine to anyone and I know now for sure, I’ll never get my bathing suits from Jessie. Fine. She can have them, but our friendship is over and she’s out of my life.

One other thing I forgot to mention that Andy sent me. An article on how Gloria should wear longer dresses to cover up her chunky legs. Then she was compared with some other girl who they said had a dynamite figure. The only thing negative in her concert review was the Bacardi Breezer commercial shown on the big screens. They said, who wants to pay to see commercials? Also that Whitney Houston has better pipes than Gloria.

Later...

My show Reasonable Doubts with the good-looking deaf actress Marlee Matlin, who uses sign language, is not on tonight due to a movie. Bummer. The movie’s boring, too.

Fran isn’t home and he hardly ever is lately. He spends a lot of time at that girl’s house. The one he works with.

Kim dropped off my refill for Alupent and Theodur as well as an antibiotic called Augmentin. I’ve heard of it before and I sure hope it isn’t one of the ones that played with my stomach. Tammy says she’s taken it before with no problems. Tammy also said that her niece, as well as a friend of hers, has that gas problem in their stomachs, too. It is common, the doctor and she told me. They just take these lactose tablets that look like little wafers. They do not cause side effects or counteract with any medicines.

A few days ago, I got my period and had annoying cramps. Not to the point where I thought I’d die, but Kim gave me two Advil and contrary to my doubts, it killed my cramps. It has Motrin in it. I’ve had that before.

Kim says she’ll see me later to read Andy’s letter. Right now Kim’s busy with her friend Michelle who’s pretty, and of course, straight.

Later...

I am so bored right now it makes me sick. I plucked my eyebrows a little bit but not too thoroughly. It’s harder than all hell to try to do it on yourself. I threw some Hydrocortisone cream on my face. It is absolutely the best stuff I have ever used for zits. Also, Dr. L said that that’s what I should be using on my ear when it gets all red and irritated. Not antibiotic cream. Why do I always have to go through so many different doctors and wait so long for correct answers? Using the hydrocortisone cream is helping a lot so far.

I’m getting horny again and wish once again, I could fulfill that dream of going to bed with someone I’m turned on by. I know it’ll never happen but I’m only human. It comes and goes in phases. The last 5 days or so I’ve really had no desires. Of course, coming home from a gay bar makes me lose my appetite for a while. It’s disappointing. Once you’ve seen one gay woman (butch) you’ve seen them all. And, of course, the few that are fairly decent looking aren’t interested in me. Lastly, the ones who are very good-looking are straight. Oh well. You just can’t change destiny. That’s why nowadays I don’t 100% believe in negative or positive. I believe more in meant to be or not meant to be. I’ve gone into situations before numerous times, be it a band or music-related or women-related with a positive, determined and confident attitude, and failed. Yes, I know that’s life and everyone goes through it, but too many times is too many times. I feel like such an ass for believing I was gonna make it as a singer someday. How wrong I was in believing connections would come easier once developing my voice. How wrong I was in believing that growing and maturing and working on my looks would make meeting a woman easier. Especially when you don’t want a relationship, and believe me most people don’t. Men don’t want relationships more so than women, but overall, male or female, sex is THEE thing. You just have to be a hell of a lot more careful and cautious cuz of AIDS.