Just when I thought things couldn’t get any worse, they have. Again, I try to tell myself anything’s better than jail, Valleyhead, Brattleboro, a roommate, a lover, being crippled or blind, a foster home or living with Mom and Dad. I guess it boils down to knowing you’re not in the worst possible situation, but at the same time, it’s bad enough. I feel as if I’ll always have my life controlled by so-called people who are “higher” than me. Or by whackos. Everything I want always is taken away or never achieved. I’ve gotten further into my shell just when I thought I couldn’t go any further. I thought I was in as deep as possible. Any confidence, self-esteem, and hope I’ve achieved since being on my own are gone. I feel like such a low-life that’ll never be good enough for anyone or anything. I used to feel not good enough all the time. Then I got confident and learned to say, “That’s your problem,” if someone didn’t care. How can I ever look ahead to the positive things like Tammy said? WHAT positive things? All I want to do now is crawl into a deep hole and never come out. I can’t talk anymore. I’ve retreated so deep, I feel there’s no way back this time. Now I feel I can’t live with myself as well as with this life.

I may not even be able to leave by Jan. 1st. They will transfer my probation, though. However, I thought it’d be unsupervised with therapy required and that I’d get all my stuff back. That’s what Tracy told me. Instead, I have two years of supervised probation with a $10 monthly fee I can’t afford, a $40 court fee, and I may only get some tapes back if any at all.

There’s just no fighting back whether I’m partially wrong or not. If someone burns me 5%, 25%, 50%, or 100% there’s no winning them. So from now on, if I get burned, too bad. Fighting back will never work. Am I ever gonna be able to take someone to court myself? Drag them through the mud? Never. Even if I’m totally right. I don’t ever want to talk to anyone again. Only my family, therapist, Andy and Kim for now.

Judy is this girl at court I spoke to only cuz we had common ground. Also, I thought she was attractive and she thought that of me. I’ll write about Judy later as right now I feel shittier than shitty.