I am speaking to Andy now. He’s speaking to the Northampton crisis center, right now, if you know what I mean. Catch my drift?

After my day in court, I contacted Tammy who says she’ll call Tracy. She’ll ask about the tapes and take care of the fees and the Chief.

That girl Judy hasn’t called, but this really funny psychic told me she would within 72 hours.

Now that I know for sure I’m moving on the 2nd of January, the phone remains free. Ever since I moved here I couldn’t “feel” myself here throughout the winter. Then, after Tammy said the move was off, I was ready to flip, but still felt it was on for the beginning of January. I broke down in tears but Tammy cheered me up and said she had to tell me something she shouldn’t tell me. She told me that for my birthday and Chanukah they got me projects to do. Paintings, arts & crafts and drawing stuff to keep me busy. She also asked me what I wanted. I just mentioned Gloria’s songbook, journals and those geometrical design coloring books with Crayola magic markers. She also said she’d call Ma to move me and not to worry, it was over, and she’d handle my stuff and call Tracy.

She had gotten pissed at Mom for trying to get out of moving me after she can afford to buy an extremely expensive car. First, she backed out of Phoenix and then began to railroad us with CT. She called today to tell me Greg from Greenfield Furniture (the ones who moved me) was gonna call for a visit here to get an estimate on what it’d cost to move my shit. She said it was a combination birthday/Chanukah present. Oh, the joy of having my b-day and Chanukah connected. I wish Chanukah was in the summer!

So, speaking of that girl Judy. She came up to me and asked if I had a spiral perm. I said it was natural and we began chatting. I could sense instantly she was gay or bi before she mentioned it but figured I’d never get her as I was attracted to her. She had nice long reddish hair. Her face was ok and she looked pretty good for 31 years old. She had a super nice leather jacket on and jeans. She seemed around 5‘2”-5‘4” in height and a little chunky, but well-proportioned and solid. She was taking an ex-boyfriend to court for harassment and yes, she had been through shit I’d gone through. She seemed “with it” though and these types which I always attract and used to avoid, I now seek out since all I want is sex. My standards are too high for someone like me anyway no matter what kind of relationship I want. I gave her my number and she says she has a car, but of course, those feelings came on. They really kicked in last night. Almost every man I’ve given my number to for whatever reason has always called. Women are so hard to catch. So, I was thinking what a bummer as I hope that maybe, just maybe, I could get some sex before I move.

Then I got bored, remembered my free phone service and called the psychic hotline. The girl who answered said she was gay too, and that I’m not alone and she’s ultra-feminine with full makeup on, long hair, heels and a dress (yeah, because she was on the other side of the country).

She asked why I wanted to get laid. I explained my feelings and she said I’ve got myself isolated and so negative and scared and to let my guard down. She said I was so scared that I had to control people to protect myself. She said why not let someone sweep me off my feet and take control and take care of me? I said that was just a fantasy and explained how all I get are Brenda, Fran or Nervous types. I don’t get people who are outspoken and that can take charge. The types I get don’t have the mentality to take care of me. An example is that if I have a fight with someone, it’s my fight and I’m on my own. They’re too shy, wimpy, geeky and stupid to fight with me. Not for me, but with me. I mean, I’d love to be wild, daring, brave, romantic, flirtatious and get swept off my feet for one night. A nice dinner, pampered with a nice bubble bath, a back rub, and adventurous sex.

Then she said, “You’ll die lonely and horny. Get your ass out of the house.”

I want to. I want to so bad, but I can’t. I’d never get anywhere. And where would I go? To the bars?

She told me I gotta go up to these people, grab them and say, “Let’s go.”

But it doesn’t work. I could be determined, confident or doubtful and it wouldn’t work.

Damn, I wish I could go to bed with ugly people! What’s the trick? How do people get turned on by people who they’re turned off by? Someone’s got to write a book, “How to turn yourself on to people you’re not turned on by sexually.”

Just one night, God, just one night, please! I am absolutely totally dying to lust with a drop-dead gorgeous woman. I mean, she doesn’t have to look like she just stepped off the cover of Vogue. Just not pitifully ugly or another spot on the wall.