As far as my prescriptions go, I should be all set till I get the CT cards. If only my other apartment I had in S. Deerfield was here! In this state, it would’ve been made affordable by both the state and the city without my parent’s help. In MA it is all done by the state. Just as soon as the cards are approved and I get them, I must make a very serious attempt to quit smoking and get that Habitrol prescription. If I cannot quit after really giving it everything I’ve got, then gonna seriously think I’m fated to die. I must do my best ever to try and quit permanently as I may very well have the beginnings of emphysema. I’m completely cornered and am running out of choices as far as making any more compromises. There is no more compromising as I’ve gotten so bad.

I spoke to my mom who was encouraging as well as Tammy who also needs to try and quit. She’s getting worse too, and is gonna try the Habitrol. It’s a patch you stick on yourself all day as nicotine is released through the skin. It sounds better than the gum. The gum gives you these chest palpitations and kills your jaw totally unlike ordinary gum. At first, my attitude was whatever’s meant to be will be. I have no real obligation holding me back such as kids, a job or a lover. I’ll only live for second best. Never be able to live my dreams, but not being able to breathe is a slow, painful way to go. I’d much rather fill up my bathtub and toss in my hairdryer if I had to go. Personally, I think I’m mad enough now as it’s been 4 years I’ve gone through this shit. At first, you’re a little annoyed, then scared and frustrated, then mad as you become completely trapped. I don’t want to waste this voice I never thought I’d have. It does me no good to sing well yet always have to cough and hack up phlegm.

I just stopped for a moment to call dad since I know mom won’t be back till tomorrow. She’s at Disneyworld and I was shocked to hear from dad just who she’s with. She’s with Ronnie, and dad says they haven’t seen each other for a few years. I thought they’d completely cut each other out like with Larry.

Later...

I took another break cuz Jenny from next door just came over. I polished her nails and played her songs by the Judds, then she left.

Shadow’s here pigging out. I just let him in. He goes in and out all day.

When Jenny was here she asked me to measure her waist with the tape measure. She’s 9 years old and her waist is only 4” smaller.

Tammy may be calling any second.

I got a book of 20 stamps and mailed out tons of letters. A 24-page letter to Andy as well as another 8-page letter with different colors of paper I just bought. Some to Fran, Nervous, Bob, Kim and one to Emily. She’ll be quite confused. It’s all mumbo jumbo and as far as I know, she’s not aware of my moving here. I haven’t seen or talked to her since before moving to S. Dfld. I also wrote to Cassandra.

I bought a nice pair of pants for sale for $6 when Ann Marie was here. Size 14 in girls. They’re purple with big black polka dots. Today I bought 2 nice shirts. They’re too hard to describe but I must sort out all my clothes.

Tammy tells me Lisa needs jeans desperately and I know I have some for her as well as some I’m gonna cut into shorts. I also want to reorganize my drawers and closets now that I’m moved in and settled as much as I dislike this place. I need to go through and sort out my hair accessories, jewelry and makeup.

It’s pouring out yet it sounds like a zoo outside with all the kids out playing till 8:00 or so. In the summer they’ll be out there until midnight.

Jenny tells me she and her family are going to Disneyworld for two weeks when school’s over. That’d make things a lot more peaceful, except for outside. Better outside than next door with all their banging around and sliding around furniture. Voices, TV and the radio, I can deal with.

Things went well with Ann Marie even though I did feel awkward here and there as I’m so used to being alone. When you’re 26 it’s impossible to adjust to and handle unless it’s only a one-nighter here and there. Any more than that I feel like a trapped caged animal with no independence.

For $3.49, I got hot oil treatments for my hair at Price Rite and it really helps. It comes with 2 per box and it’s a weekly treatment. It’s well worth the $7 a month.

Tammy shocked me by saying she’s gonna let her hair grow. I thought the day she’d do that would be the day I cut my hair short and keep it that way.