My show’s almost over, so I’ll be up writing for a while. I hope, though, that tomorrow I don’t sleep too late. It’s gonna be 72° so I want to lie out by the pool. I was in it today and it was like bath water and it was beautiful. Chilly, though, when I got out. It was 70º today, or now yesterday actually. Today 72°, then 55° the next two days and 53° the next two days after that. That’s a pretty quick and drastic change.

Later...

Now I’ve got a few things to say about Kara. A few nights ago she was over and we listened to tapes of convos and edits. We laughed our asses off and had a great time. Andy called at one point and the 3 of us spoke for a while. That was cool, but that’s as far as I can have them go. Andy’s friends are his friends and mine are mine. I don’t want him and Kara to talk on the phone or get together without me present. Even though Andy’s gotten better with coming in between me and my friends when he’s mad at me or someone or something else, and Kara has more of a spine than lots of others I’ve known, it’s still too risky. There are two reasons why it’s a little risky. One is cuz I notice that sometimes the more I’m against something, the more Andy’s driven to push it on me. Not always, but sometimes and it also depends on the situation. The second reason is cuz sometimes Andy’s extremely good at persuading people onto his side and pitting them against me. He does know he’s been wrong about doing this to me in the past and Kara certainly has way more of a mind of her own than Brenda and others I’ve known. Kara knows better, but here’s an example of Brenda and the many others like her I’ve known. Brenda and I are alone. I say to her, “Andy walks too hard and it’s annoying and unnecessary.” Brenda says to me, “You’re right. I agree and it’d annoy me too.” Now Brenda and I are with Andy and I say the same thing I said to her alone. But now Brenda says, “He’s a guy, so give him a break. Different people walk differently.” Kara’s much better than that.

Later...

Before the phone rings again, let me finish with what I have to say about Kara. I tried to decide whether or not I should settle. Well, let’s just say there’s no way I can settle for anything and everything. I also don’t intend to be doing this all the time. I couldn’t anyway unless I went to bars and went after butches only. I finally realized what I’ve been realizing for a very long time now. The ultimate attraction isn’t meant to be, otherwise, God would send it. I’m 200% sure I’ll never lust with a woman who’s not only feminine but to whom I am very attracted. So, now I’m gonna go “in between.” I’m not gonna stay celibate all my life and I’m not gonna settle for a man or an ugly woman. While Kara’s ugly, at the same time she isn’t. I like her personality and we share a lot of the same opinions and beliefs. I’ve gotten to know her and she’s very understanding of my situation and wouldn’t lose patience due to my not being used to being with a lover. She can go slowly and gently. We haven’t had sex yet, but she knows how I feel. I spoke with her and I was honest with her. I told her everything I just wrote down. But instead of, “You’re ugly, but you’re not,” I said, “You’re not my main preference, but you’re not a settlement either.” So, it’s her call now. I’ll let her make the move if she wants sex that bad. I’ll only initiate so much, then it’s the other person’s turn. I’m sure it will be a little scary, awkward and disappointing, but it gets a little easier to accept settling within reason. On the phone when we spoke she told me she was flattered. I didn’t expect differently, especially when God always sets it up to be one-sided. I just wish God would let someone I’m attracted to break down and say, “OK, I’m not attracted to you, Jodi. You’re not what I want, but all who’s available at the moment, so let’s just go for it till I can find a butch or whatever I want.” If having lust were meant to be in my life, then maybe this would happen more often, but all I know is that if it doesn’t turn me on, I can probably have it.

Kara may soon be calling.

Andy will be making us hamburgers later.

I chatted with Mary and while on my way back from the mailbox I got a Chanukah card from Fran. What a surprise, huh? The last time Andy and I were speaking with Fran, he asked the funniest question. Fran asked what is the difference between Hanukkah and Chanukah.