After I last copied in all my entry dates for each journal, I got sicker than a dog all night. I couldn’t stop sneezing and I had a fever. I fell asleep yesterday at 2:30 AM and awoke at 4:15 AM.

Before getting sick I spoke to Andy and did some redecorating.

Today there was a message to call my doctor for my GYN approval. I’ll call either today or Monday. I want to make sure I’m over this cold. At least I’ve had one flu and two colds since I came here and not 1000 of each.

Well now, if moving here to Arizona, becoming a dancer, and having a relationship (with a male), and living in that person’s house are the most shocking things throughout these journals - here’s another. I called Tammy yesterday morning and she tells me Larry’s been at Mom and Dad’s! This surely blew me off my feet. Tammy doesn’t know much to tell, other than he called them last Friday and has been with them for 3-4 days. I guess he was in the area. She said something about owning a truck and something about computers. He’s still with Sandy, living in Agawam and I guess he still has two kids, Larry Jr. and Jennifer. Who knows what the hell is going on, but he is only 38-39 years old. Not 43.

Tammy said they only spoke for two minutes. She reminded him that she and I were also victims of Mom and Dad and that we never did anything to him. He said maybe he’d call her. Whatever, but I wish for no contact with my parents or Larry. Having no contact with them isn’t what I want, it’s what I need. It’s too late and there’s no hope of ever having a positive relationship with these people. These people are never gonna take me at face value and have brainwashed themselves and others with too much bullshit about me. They have their own minds made up about me, and Larry will only judge me by my past. I don’t need to explain or defend myself to either of them as they’ll never buy anything I say if it’s not what they want to hear. They twist my words. Tammy did defend me all on her own about one thing, though. Dad bitched about my moving so much. Tammy said, “So what? It didn’t affect you or cost you any money. She’s been self-sufficient and has money in the bank.”

In other news, last night on Unsolved Mysteries they profiled the Lisa Zeighert case in Agawam. Tammy saw it, too. She was working in a gift shop when someone came and raped her and then dumped her in the woods.

Later...

I just pulled out every single bookmark I had in all my journals. When I lived in S Deerfield, Kim had given me these tiny colored ribbons which I taped in. The bookmarks were a pain in the ass, so I removed them. I also had a few regular ones with tassels hanging from them. These I kept. I put them on my desk out in the back room. This way if I continue typing journals, I can keep my page with these.

Except for 3 days when the people next door moved in and had extra company in that trailer, they’ve been very quiet. They don’t wake me up and I hope this is how it stays. The soundproofing stuff Tom put in helps a great deal. I am very glad he put it in. Imagine how great it’ll be when it’s complete. He still is planning on spraying the gaps with something that dries up to be Styrofoam.

Andy’s gonna shit when I tell him about Larry. In a way, I think he should have just stayed away, let dead dogs lay, and not come around after all these years.

Yesterday I fell asleep at about 9 AM and slept until 7 PM. I sure needed to, but I awoke with a hell of a nightmare. Well, in a couple of days, I’m supposed to be off my probation. I sent in my last report form yesterday. In my dream, it was only around June or July of ‘93. Tom wasn’t in the dream at all. I supposedly violated my probation and was ordered to return to MA. By whom and how - I don’t know. Some guy (I don’t know who) was helping me pack. I pulled out an old pair of gloves. He said it was a good thing I kept them, cuz I’d need them back east. The situation obviously hadn’t hit me. I can remember thinking to myself how there had to be a way to solve this problem, clear up the mistake, and stay here in PHX. I thought of calling my parents for help but still refused to talk to them.

The next thing I knew I was in some large, bright, crowded room. People gathered around a big TV where some show was discussing people on probation from other states. It was mentioning what we all did wrong. When I was mentioned, it named all these people I was supposed to have burned and that I was ordered back to MA. I think even Stacey was there. I walked a few steps away and there was Andy. I asked if he saw the thing on me on TV. He said no. I asked him to “foresee” if and when I’d return. He said August 31st. I assumed he meant of ‘93 and I was relieved, but then he shook his head and said, “Of ‘94.”

Panic ripped through me as the realization of losing this weather, my gorgeous apartment (guess I was still single), palm trees and cactuses were unbearable. Then I woke up.

Later...

Tom got home at 7:20 and things have been going great with us. At 7:00 I got a great idea. I said I’d like to tell him and that if he didn’t agree, I’d compromise somehow. I suggested staying committed, but if we were to ever marry - shoot for one year from now. Perhaps December of ‘94. This will give us both the time to get over any fears and doubts. This way he can see that I won’t be violent or anything like that. And I can see that he’ll love me unconditionally. Occasionally telling me to put off something is fine, but here’s an example. He tells me I can be with him and be a singer. (big time or small) I believe him and take him at face value, but if I can ever get my damn foot in the door and I see him keep his word, I’ll be even more of a believer. Here’s another example. He’s never said to choose between him and being friends with Andy. With each passing month, I believe he won’t change that. He agreed.

I called my doctor’s office. My test results haven’t come back yet, but I’ll be called either way. My referral is being mailed to me.

Speaking of mail, I never get any anymore. It’s good, yet funny and weird and different not getting and paying bills in my name. No letters from Bob since the 15th. I hope nothing’s wrong.

I took a Pre-Sym pill for water gain, bloating and other PMS symptoms. At least I’m not a bitch. I’m in a good mood and can’t wait to see that movie tonight. It’ll be on in 9 hours.

I found a way to use my perfume without it bothering me. I sprayed it inside the back cover of this book.