I’m kind of depressed at the moment. It’s not like something’s happened to make me feel this way, but I guess I’m still struggling with the pros and cons of both staying and leaving here. I’m beginning to feel empty even when we don’t fight, and we haven’t for a week. I’m gonna miss never having one-nighters with women twice a year or so. I’ve come to accept this a long time ago and know I can’t be with women whether I tried to or not. It’s just not meant to be. I’m just not accepted by them and you know I’ve had no luck with the bars or placing ads. And when I would, it was only once a year or two.

Not having sex with Tom is no problem for me now. I’ve gotten used to it and I’m not gonna keep begging. It seems that 9 out of 10 good days when he’s in a good mood and well-rested he still never approaches me. The 10 times or so we’ve done it, I’m the one who started it. He only started it a couple of times and this was only after I told him it wasn’t fair if it were always me to start it. I’ve come to accept and do without and am now even a bit turned off by the idea. I think I’d refuse if he hit on me for sex. I’m also not gonna be easy. I’m gonna play hard to get. Yes, it’s my turn now to play hard to get. Only question is, will I get the chance? I doubt it. I think we’re now strictly platonic.

Here’s a list of the pros and cons of leaving/staying.

Pros of staying:

1. Happy and fun times with Tom
2. Living in a house
3. Private yard and pool
4. Can blast music all the time
5. Use the computer
6. Save money
7. Dancing’s not a must
8. Transportation when needed
9. The easiest place to sleep
10. No neighbors attached below, above, or next door
11. EC is healthier
12. His VCR and couch are nicer
13. Have washer/dryer

Cons of staying:

1. The stress of when we fight
2. Difficult compromises
3. Not being able to have a yearly or bi-yearly one-nighter with a woman
4. Missing our good times
5. Dealing with the barking dogs
6. Dealing with an older place (especially the kitchen), no dishwasher or garbage disposal
7. No year-round heated spa or pool
8. Accidentally leaving stuff around that I wish him not to see, like letters
9. Fear of him deciding not to help me move and throwing my stuff out (although I doubt this)

Pros of leaving:

1. No stress of any fights
2. No difficult compromises
3. Can have one-nighters with women
4. My own place to decorate with all my stuff only
5. No fear of him seeing personal stuff, like letters
6. Modern place with dishwasher and garbage disposal
7. Heated pool and spa year-round
8. Fewer dogs barking

Cons of leaving:

1. Probably couldn’t sleep
2. Couldn’t blast music at all hours
3. Connected neighbors
4. Probably many more kids screaming
5. Probably no washer/dryer in apartment
6. Weekly early-morning lawnmowers and blowers
7. No transportation
8. Must always dance
9. Probably less extra money
10. My VCR and couch sucks
11. No EC
12. No computer
13. No private yard and pool
14. Dealing with overall apartment living

Well, it looks like I oughta give it more time here according to those 4 lists. I know a lot of the stuff was materialistic, but that is a part of it, too.

Andy was over for a couple of hours. We both typed up a letter to Fran, then played about 6 games of Crazy 8’s, then he typed a letter to his cousin while I watched TV.

I have yet to write about his great idea, but I will when I get in the mood.