Before I get backed up once again, I’m gonna mention today and then cover that 3-day fight.

Today was a good day, but I feel like I have a cold. I’ve been feeling this way for nearly a week.

Tom gave me some floppy disk labels that I’m using to cover the holes in my cassette tapes. It’s better than regular scotch tape. So, I spent a couple of hours reorganizing all my tapes and making their labels look a lot nicer. I’ve made them more understandable too, in a sense. Beside the number of each tape, I put either the letter E, M, or C (E-edits, M-music, C-convos). I still have to make Gloria’s medley as I said a few years ago.

I didn’t really do anything else today, so I guess I’ll get on with the fight. Well, let’s just say I was within inches of moving out. Again, let me first stress that there was no violence or anything like that. No one ever hurt anyone’s stuff either. We’re not like that.

It began the last night that my company stayed here. As I said, Tom knew damn well that they were. As I went to open the front door I noticed it was double-locked and I couldn’t get my key into the bottom lock. Alex used a credit card to pry open the laundry room door which was locked too, and I had left Tom a memo to please open it. When Alex got in he was able to go through the garage and open the front door.

I was fuming, and more so when I got Tom’s message on the voicemail. He said to let him know when he could have “his” house back, as he felt sick and tired and couldn’t sleep with the company there. He said he was gonna stay elsewhere (he wouldn’t say where not that I care).

I admit I jumped the gun on the lock issue but I wasn’t buying anything else we talked about when I called him at work. I called him at work as I was so mad and couldn’t wait. He insisted my key works both locks which he later proved to me. So there I was wrong and I didn’t give him the benefit of the doubt. He said he didn’t see the memo cuz he didn’t have time. That one I don’t buy, as he was busy with a million things that had nothing to do with me, so that wasn’t my fault.

So I told him they’d be leaving at noon on the 15th and he told me I needed to get another place to live. I was so pissed, cuz he knew this was coming, and I swore at him and hung up.

So when he came home after they left, I insisted that I couldn’t believe we woke him up when he’s slept through a lot of other noise. I believe he was jealous and felt left out cuz he had to work.

I asked him if he dumps all his girlfriends as soon as he has a beef with them and he said that I was dumping him. Well, it wasn’t me who thought of moving out. He brought it up first. Then he went on and on saying that whether I did this intentionally or not, I was killing him and abusing him. This really pissed me off and he said that I must truly feel guilty or else I wouldn’t be pissed or hurt. I explained to him the reason why I was pissed and hurt was cuz these words were coming from someone that’s supposed to love me and care for me and know me and my intentions a whole lot better. My mother, for example, said some pretty vicious things about me as a kid which wasn’t true and it hurt like hell as this was coming from my own mother. I also was fed up with him going back on his word. He said that he’d never suggest I move out. That fights and disagreements were part of relationships and that you stick together when you love someone and try to work it out.

Then he said he couldn’t remember any good times, I wasn’t helpful, and was using him. He did take that back, as we all say things we don’t mean when we’re angry. I have always paid my fair share and I do a lot of helpful things around the house that save him time. We also have had plenty of good times, as I wouldn’t have moved in here if we hadn’t.

So we agreed to make a list of things, as I won’t have him (or anyone) deny things I know I or they said. I also hate those that go back on their word without legit reasons. He’s gone back on his word about it being up to me whether or not to go back to dancing. He says that due to the risks being higher of me doing my type of work, he can’t handle the additional stress. This is cuz if he had to leave his job if I got hurt, he’d be fired. Shit can happen to anyone anywhere although his fears are acceptable and understandable. He fears me taking cabs. I’ve been lucky to have regular drivers, but you do never know and most cabbies carry guns. Of course, I’d prefer for him to take me to and from work if he could. Like if we worked at home. I’d also prefer to make money by working on the computer than by getting sore feet and having to give too much of my money away to the DJ, bouncers and bartenders, as much as I do love to dance. I’m sick of being used by the bar’s owners to support other employees.

So, he told me he can’t stop me from dancing as I’m an adult and he’s not my daddy, but that if I loved him enough, I’d have to move out if I wanted to dance. I still feel that a person should stand by the one they love no matter what they choose to do unless it’s illegal or harming people. But then he says it’s just as easy for him to say if I loved him enough, I wouldn’t put him under that kind of stress and worry. I guess I see it two ways. His way and mine both make sense. He said that if he’s working at home or has a different job, things may be different as far as that goes.

Well, I can’t say I’ll be here forever, but right now I still do want us to work out and learn to communicate better. I do admit I have my faults too and can sometimes jump the gun defensively. I also come from another part of the country and some of our words mean different things to one another. Just like Spanish words and signs vary in different areas. He told me I was attractive and gorgeous. I thought these words meant the same, but he relates attractive to the inside of a person and gorgeous to the outside. I’ve always considered them both to mean the outside of a person.

So, for now, the dancing and how long I’m here are up in the air. I certainly hope it all can be worked out somehow as I don’t want to have to give him up any more than I’d want to give my sister up just cuz I have a dream. I want to have my cake and eat it too.

How’s my dream tied into this? Well, Andy has an idea for him and Donna and me. If we decide to put the idea into action, then I’ll need to make more money by dancing. That’d mean moving out too. I hope it doesn’t come down to this, but Tom insists I should go for my dream. I want to do this with him, though, and I hope there’ll be a way to make any extra money I’ll need in a way we both can agree on and deal with. Only time will tell this. I’ll write about Andy’s idea another time, which I think is a great one and probably is the only chance the 3 of us are ever gonna have at this day and time.

The reason why I took offense to Tom’s saying my house is cuz for a while there I felt like I was living with him in his house, not our house. I don’t legally want my name on this house, but I want it to be our house in both of our hearts.

When things get really bad between a couple, it’s good to involve someone you can trust. So, Tammy, who has lots of experience was a great help to me. Again, she knows I’d never call her if we couldn’t agree on a movie or something of that petty nature.

There are a bunch of other little things here and there, but I forgot them.

Oh, here’s one. Tom saw me put a picture of Kim and I hugging into my photo album. Later he said he had doubts and wondered if I fooled around. Yeah, right! I think I know why he said this. Cuz at first I asked him about him and Wendy. I don’t believe they ever fool around, but if they ever do - more power to them. It’s their bodies and their lives.

I don’t think Tom would ever be a bad father in the way I’d be a bad mom, but it’s a good thing there’ll never be any kids. I really don’t think he could handle the lack of sleep any more than I could. I told him this and he said if he knew it was coming he could be prepared for it. Right. He knew my company was coming.

He mentioned getting his hair cut and that Wendy could do it, but said that I won’t let her come over. I never said that. Hell, I’d be her friend as long as she didn’t try to pit one of us against the other.

So, this is what we agreed on… No overnight company. Our friends can come over (even though he doesn’t allow his over), but only if one of us isn’t here or is at least up for it. Meaning Andy can come over while he’s working and while he’s home as long as he’s not sick or tired. This is all very fair to me.

We’ll probably never partially or totally agree on some things, but we are trying and it has been a lot better since last Sunday.

To make it easier though, and cut down on time, Andy has some promising ads on apartments at nearby complexes. This way if I ever do leave, I’ll have some apartment ideas, rather than be like - where do I begin?

When I told Andy I was leaving when we both thought I would (mainly him), he was unhappy for me. He shocked me by saying he was hoping I was gonna tell him we were getting married. I wish I wanted to as much as I was once starting to, but in truth, I don’t. We still have doubts and need to learn more so we can flourish together. The flame’s burned out for me, too, although I’m sure that’d happen even if I lusted for him sexually the way I have with some women.

A couple of days ago we were out on the bench swing and he said something that really touched me. He said that he was aware he needs to change too. This was great, cuz for a while there I felt as if he was pinning it all on me.

Well, I’m gonna go grab a bite to eat and maybe edit some stuff.

Later...

This still blows my mind! It’s late October and hot out. Today is beyond warm. It’s hot, probably near the mid-90s. I just took a break to go rub-a-dub-dub this beautiful weather into Tam. She tells me it’s in the 40s there.