I just checked Prodigy and still no message from Tammy. She must be very busy. I’ll need to call her soon to see how she’s been and to tell her my not-so-good news.

My pap didn’t go so well yesterday. She is almost sure that the discharges are normal for me and she couldn’t see any apparent infections. The bad and baffling news is that my cervix is inflamed and also that there’s scarring right inside the opening. No other GYNs have told me this before and half of them say I’m of average size down there and the others agree I’m too small. Tom and I know there’s no chance of him getting inside there without my being made bigger by surgery. He accepts this and this is no problem for him, but there are times when I just wish I could function sexually as most women that are with guys do. The doctor says it’s unusual to be as small as I am and she doesn’t know why I am. She doesn’t know if it’s due to the DES.

As for the scarring, well, there’s Tom’s idea about it and then there are mine and the doctor’s. The doctor says it’s probably the times when I tried to “get Tom in there.” She says it doesn’t take much and even though it was only 3 weeks ago that we last tried, scarring can be there. I agree that this is the only possibility and no other doctor ever mentioned this before. Tom says he thinks I was molested as a kid. No way. No one in my family would’ve done this to me and it would’ve been medically evident a long time ago. He even was upset, saying that I was blaming him and protecting someone. It’s no one’s fault and I am not protecting anyone. If anyone ever did anything to me, I’m sure I’d be fully aware of it, it’d be medically evident, and I’d also speak up about it. I wouldn’t feel ashamed or guilty, cuz it wouldn’t have been my fault.

I just wish there was some way to make me bigger and less sensitive. The exam wasn’t painful, but it was very uncomfortable. Thank God I don’t want kids, cuz how would I conceive or even have them?

I’m waiting for the office to call me with the name of a specialist GYN. I hope, though, that there’s a problem with my insurance approving it, cuz I really don’t want to go. I’m tired of one thing after another and it’s really hard for me to believe this isn’t a punishment. After I have sex, with a guy or a girl, there’s some problem. What have I done to deserve this? I haven’t been on the phone or in any other trouble. I just want to be healthy and function normally sexually. I hope nothing’s wrong if I do go to a GYN.

Other than all this bullshit, things have been very good.

Thank God my parents still haven’t tried to call. But last night there was a hang-up call and I know it was ma. I could tell by the mannerism in which she hung up the phone. I’ve had enough phone fights with her to know how she hangs up on me. She was definitely frustrated and angry. My good pitch also helps me.

I’m gonna hold off a little longer on writing about the great idea Andy came up with till we discuss it more.

Not much else is going on. I think I’ve covered all the big stuff.

The weather’s hanging in the 80s here and the 30s to upper 40s back east. Fran called his local weather line and I called mine. When he heard it he said, “You bitch!”

Can’t wait until Friday night. A movie called The Guardian will be on and it’s got this hot English lady in it. I’m gonna tape her, alright.

I may or may not still get a binder the size of my journals to type in. I’d put blank note pages in it for if I’m out somewhere. I’m not sure I’m gonna continue copying my journals. Typing and printing them, I mean. Perhaps I will when I’m totally bored with nothing better to do. I will very soon begin editing for sure.

Kim, Phil and Alex oughta be home now. I hope Alex writes to me and that they all send some pictures. I can only imagine the look on Alex’s face when he read my letter. Kim too, as I sent her a copy of the letter I sent Alex, although Alex will probably show it to her.

I’m gonna write to Kim, Alex, Fran, Nervous and Bob. Speaking of Bob, what the hell’s going on with him? To not get a letter from him in two weeks is weird. Or almost two weeks. I think the last letter I got from him came on the 15th, so yes, it’s just about two weeks. I’ll send a letter bugging him and begging him to write and I’m sure he will. I hope nothing’s wrong and I wish he could get out here and be done with his court case.

In half an hour, the movie I taped will be over, so I’ll do a letter till then.

Fran and Nerv got my topless pictures.

Later...

I thought I was gonna fall asleep, but I guess not.

I just cut my index fingernail and already I must do so again. It digs into my thumb when I write. My nails and hair grow very fast.

Tom came in at 7:30 and we chatted for about 20 minutes. He’s gone to sleep now. I may not be awake till after he’s gone to work.

I told him if he’s ever in for a boring night at work, he can take along and read my book of letters.