I watched a movie I taped on Cinemax, typed a letter to Fran and shortly I’ll be off to bed.

I really like my next two journals, but I sure hope I can find more like this one. Numbers 50, 55, and 59 have some of the ugliest covers. It’s the big colorful pages with fat lines that I love. I’m more and more into hardcovers these days. They pull out off the shelves easier, whereas two cloth ones side by side stick and you pull out more than one at a time. Also, if I were to drop a drop of coffee or something on a cloth cover, it’d be harder to wipe off.

On and off all night I’ve felt as if my period began, but no sign of it. I’ll probably wake up with it tomorrow. That’s how it usually works.

Well, one more smoke, then bedtime.

Later...

Well, I am outside now and it is a beautiful day. I mean beautiful! They say it’s 80º today. It’s perfect with a slight breeze and fairly cloudy too. This way the sun’s not blinding me and these pages aren’t glaring.

I’m still not sure if I have my period, but I feel like I do. Once again, I’m spotting. Today’s spot, though, was a little bigger than yesterday’s spot and the spot the day before yesterday’s. It was about the size of two quarters.

Later...

I didn’t lay out for as long as I should’ve. It’s just that it’s sooo boring!

I kind of got my period. It’s a case of way more cramps for the period or the period that doesn’t fit the cramps. It’s a very half-assed one, but I hope next month is different. I had to take 2 Ibuprofen instead of 1 and I began bloating and pre-cramping a whole fucking 2 weeks ago. Tammy says this happens to her, too, sometimes, but she never skips.

At least I know, as it’s only logical, that I’m sterile. Aside from my gut feeling and woman’s intuition, the research makes it logical. Tom read how DES girls have extra tissue that looks like lacerations, inflamed services, and painful intercourse. I have all that, therefore, it’s only logical that I also have a sure case of sterility. How do I feel about this? Sometimes sad, but grateful for the most part, as I could never handle a kid. I can’t be a constant, everyday day person, be woken up a million times, deal with the pain and damage it would do to my body, give up my peace and freedom, and I certainly have no patience or tolerance and would only be another Dureen. Tom says he doesn’t believe it’d be a financial struggle or come between us. I strongly disagree.

Speaking of good old Dureen, well, she has another bad cold. Oh well, at least Dad’s okay.

Tom will be home any minute. Another thing I have mixed emotions about. We both mutually love each other very much and want to always be together, but I sometimes wonder if he knows just how much I really really do love him. It’s not that I feel I’m not good enough for him, but I don’t want to say the wrong thing and have him feel hurt or disappointed. Or find out today that I said something two months ago that hurt him, but I didn’t think it did.