Watch out! I have pages and pages of some pretty wild news. Which one shall I start with? The baby or Bob? No, I’m not pregnant. It’s just that some of the time, although very seldom, I find myself wanting one. Tom got me to see that it’s okay to want something at the same time you don’t want it. I want to be with Tom and I want to be a singer more than anything else. He also got me to see that it’s okay to want something I can’t and won’t have. Yeah, I know this and I’ve walked this road many many times before. It sure does get frustrating, though. I guess I sometimes feel this way cuz my singing hasn’t happened yet and I have a lot of free time on my hands. A good 80% of it I spend well occupied, but the other 20% I get bored and this is when these feelings I don’t like tend to creep up on me. Yes, I know it’s not wrong, but it can be a bitch. When this does happen I try to remind myself of my real purpose and destiny in this life. I look at the reality of if I had a kid. That’s a huge list. I am sterile, but if I weren’t, I just couldn’t take it physically and mentally and while we’re not poor, we’re not rich, either. There are many negatives to look at in each of the 3 groups (physical, mental and financial), so that is what I remind myself of when these feelings come on and then I ask myself if I really want to deal with it and live like that. No!

I was at first afraid to talk to Tom as I didn’t want to scare him or turn him off, but he was glad I talked about it and faced it and he was very understanding. I love him for this.

It’d sure be nice to be like he is with the subject of kids; he can live either with or without a child.

Shortly, I’ll be back with news #2 of the day.

Later...

I got a message from Minnie, Bob’s friend, who said it was a very important message she had for me about Bob and to please call her. I figured he was in the hospital with a minor stroke, a nervous breakdown, a suicide attempt, or a bad flu. Well, I tried to call her back at the Northfield number she left me, but I got no answer. Therefore, I took a shot at calling Kim who I figured wouldn’t be home, but she was. She told me that Minnie called her to get my number. She’s seen parts of my letters and could see how much I love Bob. He’s like a grandfather to me.

So, Kim asked her why she wanted my number and then she started explaining.

Bob’s in jail! We can’t fucking believe it! She’s not sure where he is but thinks he’s in Walpole. Kim’s going to check into things and see what she can find out, but from what she hears, he can’t get or send letters. She and I talked about it and so did me and Tom. Now, I can see him having a house full of all kinds of people. Some of them minors that get ahold of booze. Then, I can see him unable to control them, cuz he doesn’t know how to put his foot down. He’s just very non-aggressive and would rather look the other way, whereas I would speak up about it and try to do something about getting the booze away from the kid. This guy, though, doesn’t want to argue or have to reason with anyone. I can also see him being dumb enough to let a minor or someone with no license drive his car as he can’t see too well. But the rape charge? Give me a break! Tom and I think it is possible, though, that maybe a 15-year-old who could’ve looked 18 and said she was 18 hit on Bob and he went for it. What I can’t see, is him knowingly messing with a minor. It just isn’t his style. While you never do know, I doubt very much he did this. Especially by force. The guy’s just too damn weak. A little kid could fight their way away from him. I’ve known him for years and he’s a lot like Nervous. He may drive you crazy with his mouth and express his feelings towards you, but never force anything on you. I can’t see it any more than I can see Tom robbing a bank, highjacking a plane, or raping anyone.

Kim said the newspaper fucked up on a lot of things. Yeah, I can buy that one. They did the same thing to me. She’s going to be sending me an article anyway, and cuz I’ve known him for years, I’ll know the truth from the bullshit.

She also says that Minnie says he got 10-14 years!

You gotta be kidding! And just when his life was beginning to look up for a change. He got a nice new apartment with that girl April and really wanted to get out here. He should’ve split, but he, Kim, and I thought there’d be no reason for him to have to. We figured it was a simple misunderstanding that would be taken care of and cleared up. Even he said he didn’t want to split cuz that’d make him look guilty and they’d follow his SS checks.

Kim, being an EMT, had a call in Sunderland once. A typical male got fed up with the wife and kids, so what did he do? Killed them and burned them and she had to testify in court. Well, she’s afraid of running into this guy at Walpole. They have some serious offenders there.

Another thing about it is, is that he told me that this girl claimed she never called or wrote to him, but his lawyer has got letters and phone bills as proof. Plus, this girl wrote and called before, during and after this incident from out of state.

I think it’s just another case of our beautiful justice system walking all over a naïve, desperate, defenseless old guy for the boost of their ego and power. Typical courts - get the women, children, disabled, minorities and the elderly, but let the abled white man walk. Put the drug dealer away for life, but let the murderer walk.

Well, she’s going to keep me posted as she finds things out. She said she just mailed me off another letter. Yeah, Book of Letters #7 is certainly going to be slow in the making. I’ll miss his letters. I also feel that I’ll never see him again. I feel as if he died. He probably feels the same and that he’ll die in there. He won’t have to commit suicide, he’ll either be killed or curl up and die of depression or a heart attack. This may be sick to say, but if he has to be there for years, maybe he would be better off dead. I only hope that if he does go, he goes quickly and painlessly. Maybe he really was born cursed. Way more so than I ever was. Makes me wonder what will happen to all his stuff, too. Where will all the tapes and letters I’ve sent him go?

It’s almost too scary to think about how it could’ve been me going away for a while. Neither I nor anyone else ever thought I’d go to jail, but I see now, that that’s where I could’ve easily gone. I am a woman with no connections in that area.

Later...

Late last night I did program 2 on one of my workout videos. I could do the whole thing. There were exercises I’d never seen before but they’re cool.

A few minutes ago I taped my pig squeaking and played it back. He looked thoroughly confused when he heard himself.

Also, I fell asleep around 11:00, and Tom said he could hear them playing ball next door from 1:00 - 6:00. I slept beautifully! Thank fucking God for this fan. If it were just the radio I had on, I’d have been woken up for sure.