Last night I couldn’t fall asleep till around 4 AM. I laid there for hours crying, so depressed and asking myself why am I up for 18 hours so much of the time. I had my alarm set for 9:30. When it went off I hit the snooze once or twice, then got up for a cigarette. Then I went back to bed and told myself I’d get up after hitting the snooze just a couple of more times. The next thing I knew, I opened my eyes to see that it was 12:30. I felt so depressed and like the biggest failure ever. I had been doing so well. All I could think about was how the hell was I going to get to my appointment and how in the world could I ever be a mother.

All I could do was lay around or watch TV, then finally I called Tammy. She said what I was crying over was so stupid and that if I and my husband had poor health or our house caught on fire, that’d be one thing. She said that if she were me she’d hang up and laugh and go get beautiful for my husband. She said I’m not alone, lots of people are just like me and I have accomplished a lot and become a lot. She said she gets up at the same time every day cuz of the kids, but she doesn’t go to bed at the same time every night. She said it depends on what’s going through her mind and how Bill feels, etc.

I’m going to get to my appointments one way or another. I don’t care if I’ve woken up at 4 PM the previous day and am awake till the appointment, or over 24 hours.

As for being a mother? Well, the more I thought about it, the more I began to realize things I’d never realized before. That is that for over a year, perhaps several, I couldn’t have a set schedule anyway. Meaning, that while I was pregnant, I’d be woken up at all hours anyway. By it kicking, me having to puke, fear of labor and delivery, etc. I read that that’s perfectly normal and expected. Also, after it was born, I couldn’t oversleep anyway and end up being a neglectful mom with it screaming like a police siren. Not even when it was 1-10 as it’d be running around screaming, banging, and throwing things. So there’s no way I could sleep through that. I should know that from the NHA. I’d only have to hope my heart and lungs could take it and that I could deal with my TD acting up more as it does with lack of sleep. I’d also have to deal with gas too, but that’s the milder side of it.

Tom came home just as I was finishing up this entry. As I knew he would, he reassured my mind and made me feel a whole lot better after discussing it with him.